I had a Heart Attack [HA] a week ago today [Mon 16 March 2020].
It could have been a lot worse- the attack was mild compared to some HA's.
My heart is damaged physically now [i guess to match the emotional damage] and I have to take it easy for a while, not get upset etc but I am finding that hard.
I am very upset about the HA, about those who I believe [and with good cause] who are part responsible for me having a HA.
I wasn't in hospital for longer than necessary, and that's only because I was determined to get out for reasons: A] being there in the first place [how did things get like this for me I at times wondered] and B] about having had to basically leave my cat on his own, and him possibly thinking I had abandoned him - this may sound silly but that was my only real concern.
By being in the H I was forced to stop smoking tobacco, so for a week now I have officially been a non-smoker and I want to keep it that way, but as I expected since leaving the H its hard despite the patches, but I can't go back to smoking tobacco. I have to do this. Plus other changes.
Reaching for another fag/smoke when stressed, eating a whole packet of biscuits etc - for comfort, the sugar rush, I think many people know the story.
Though it did cross my mind that I might die, I wasn't frightened by what was happening - more distressed and in physical pain than anything.
Though I was/am so very much thankful for the help/care I received from various people across the board of our glorious NHS, the Hospital felt like a prison to me, somewhere I had been held against my will. I was very distressed and upset, up and down, through out my stay.
I didn't really want to come back to this house conversion I live in, not with the 2 other tenants living there, me having to hear them, see them even. I didn't want to have come back to being a tenant of Camden Council[CC] but I have no where else to go so for now I have to somehow not get upset when I hear the 2 other tenants and about Camden councils housing department [specifically the housing repairs team for my area/ward as well as the housing officer for my ward/area}
But I know its not only them: but the culture that still prevails within Camden Councils Housing Department regardless of any ' reassurances' [we have learned..., blah blah, you get the drift?]
I'm off to have a lay down now, maybe add more to this later on.
Tues 24 March 2020
Someone from CC phoned me at 1pm today to say 'the job has been cancelled due to the corona virus' then the phone went dead.
I wondered 'what job' she on about and then I thought 'do I give a 4X' to which the answer is 'no I don't'. She sounded quite nice though.
Wed 25 Mar 2020
The below is part of the discharge papers I was given by the Royal Free Hospital [RFH]
Thurs 26 Mar 2020
I'm finding it hard to stay calm at present - as tenant below is in the back garden and I can see and hear her at times. As well as part blaming CC for what happened I also part-blame the 2 other tenants who I share the property with.
Fri 27 Mar 2020
The tenant in flat above me came out of her flat earlier on - on the phone with speaker on and stood there for a while outside my door so - I could hear her and the person she was speaking to. This has happened a few times before and I think its rude/bad manners. When tenant had finished on the phone tenant went downstairs and while in the d/s communal hallway she started shouting and swearing.
I strongly suspect she was referring to and directing her verbal abuse at me [though she didn't say a name] but I took it that it was me.
Some of the stuff she shouted up at me:
'I'm gonna get you thrown out of here'
'You're pathetic'
'a lowlife,
'hurry up and die'
'you're a c*nt'.
update
and btw I did record it, like I recorded the tenant below me when I knocked on her door early Feb 2020 after someone from CC had again phoned me up and left a message saying tenant had reported a leak [again] and that they wanted to get in my flat. I knocked on tenants door, asked if I could come in and she said yes - no sign of a water leak, 'did you not take a photo' I asked - 'no i'll wait till next time' she replied.
Sat 28 Mar 2020
The lights in the communal area of the property aren't working.
I don't have much energy [excuse the pun] today and at times the urge to roll a fag/joint is strong but I've resisted so far - hopefully I can keep it up. I don't think its sank it yet that I had a HA. I had 2 procedures done on my heart and was quite overwhelmed by them and had a cry, which I was okay with.
Sun 29 Mar 2020
I find myself feeling quite upset tonight - the depression - about a few personal things. Thinking about what the neighbour said about 'hurry up and die' and feeling that I might as well considering. I hate my l
Tues 31 Mar 2020
I'm not feeling too bad today - the emotions are like a roller coaster at times, which I guess is to be expected considering. I found it a traumatic experience in ways [regardless of how chirpy folk in you-tube video's may look and sound] its a major thing to happen plus the procedures are very intrusive and at one point I could feel my heart being prodded or whatever was going on, it was strange. Plus I came out in a rash/had an allergic reaction to one of the medications I was given and that resulted in me being turned up side down in the hospital bed and another procedure done on my heart.
Since being out of the H, I was expecting a letter for an appointment at the RFH for another blood test, but not received anything to do with that but have received a letter for an over the phone psychology appointment - attached to the Cardiology Department. My weekly talking group therapy at another H has been cancelled due to the COVID-19 virus, whether it will start up again I don't know. I hope all my fellow 'groupies' are/will be ok.
Sun 4 April 2020
Tenant below is about today in back garden. I can hear and see tenant from my kitchen and sometimes elsewhere in my flat. I noticed tenant hasn't been living in flat for over a week, since before tenant did the back lawn last Sunday.
update
as well as stopping smoking, which I'm still managing to do, I have to improve my diet, which though it wasn't the worst of diets I did have a problem with 'comfort' snacking and getting enough physical exercise which seem to be harder for me to do than it has been to stop [and continue to keep with it] smoking. My energy level before the HA wasn't so great and its still not so great. I've been trying with the diet thing to cut out or cut down on the 'comfort' foods but i'm not doing so well these last few days as I've felt stressed out by the housing situation. I really do hope I don't start smoking again, i'm really trying not to but its difficult. The tenant upstairs has been noisy the last few days and its stressing me out. The tenant can be reasonably quiet at times but this doesn't last.
If I can get to see or have a chat with my GP soon I will have to tell them about the housing situation, not that I'm expecting it to make a difference because nothing I say to whoever, seems to make a [good] difference] - that's how things feel anyway. Sorry to seem on a downer of late but i'm not ready to die yet and especially not because of a bunch of 'A holes' connected Camden Council.
Tues 7 April 2020
As well as having to come to terms with having had a heart attack, etc I also have to come to terms with the fact that someone I love and care for very much doesn't feel the same towards me, not even to ask how i am after having had a HA.
I've tried not to let it but it hurts me a lot - like my heart has been damaged again, and i have to get over it and a few other things, to mend, to move on in any significant way but I don't know if I can.
I'll be ok, I get over tired and over emotional, and its like it really is the end of the world. I have to write it down, let it out, - the tears they are cleansing aren't they? the pain, is it in vain? - oh that rhymed: was it all in vain - the pain, - the blocked veins, to my heart?
Sun 12 April 2020
Earlier, tenant above was hanging about in the communal stairs area doing something, and having a chat with someone on her phone who was on speakerphone - i could hear both quite clearly from my main living areas. As I find it annoying and intrusive I put my little radio on at my flat door to drown the noisy intrusion out.
Thursday 30 April 2020
Since the HA when ever i get pains inside - around the area where my heart is - i start thinking 'oh no, is it something to worry about' sort of thing. It could be my stomach I don't know. Will have to wait and speak with Dr at RFH when I have my first follow up appointment, sometime within the next few weeks, as far as I am aware.
Sun 3 May 2020
In regards to me giving up smoking tobacco: the hospital started me on the patches [i agreed to] and I had some when I came out of hospital [1 month supply in total.]
I didn't notice anything different inside of me about what the patches where supposed to be doing, so I stopped taking them after about a week when the patches no longer sucked up the toxic chemicals from the fag smoking, so in all I think I took them for 2 weeks.
At first though, in the hospital I did notice the patches having seemly drained out the nicotine etc as I noticed stains on the patches when I changed them every day and I asked a nurse what they where and who told me then stain is nicotine.
I chose to live, why I did so I really don't know, but I do know [I keep forgetting] - half the time I don't want to be here, be alive, well not in this existance anymore I don't. Some people are badly affected by other peoples behaviour and are if I'm correct, saying they don't want it anymore, it must stop sort of thing. Under-stand.
Thurs 7 May 2020
These last 2 night i've been experiencing electrical shock sensations in the lower back area of my head. Tonights not so bad but the night before they felt quite strong - it even felt like the electrical currant had travelled down to my heart.
Its 12. 15am and the tenant above who has been reasonably quiet all night, has started stomping about above me. This sort of thing is common and adds to the anxiety and anticipation I feel every night. She has stopped now. See how it works?
Sat 9 May 2020
Tenant A hasn't been living at flat but comes up to pick up post etc. The 2 empty pots in garden moved again.
Quiet so far from upstairs since I woke up. Tenant C did the thing again last night where C comes out of flat on the phone and I can hear C and person on speakerphone. This was around nearly 11pm. and comes back after 11pm still on the phone.
update
When I came back in from getting some supplies nearby, the tenant above had started making the noise again. Its like somehow the tenant knows where I am in my flat and follows me about and makes noise. Most noise today was coming from patio above me when I was in my kitchen doing stuff, then when I went back into living room, I could hear noise above me.
Friday 15 May 2020
I have to go with this to try and work through it:
I've been thinking that I should have died when I had the heart attack, that I was supposed to die but I didn't.
2 months on [early days still I guess] and I think 'it was my time to leave this existence, this body and go [where?] but it didn't happen'. I'm torn between wanting to have gone but choosing to stay. and now ive stayed its like why did I bother'.
I came back for my cat - that's the only reason I had in my head when in the hospital, I had no other reason that came to mind.
Medication that I'm taking:
Atorvastinstatin 80mg 1 a day - used to lower bad [LDL or Non -HDL] cholesterol
Bisoprolol 2.5mg 1 a day - slows heart rate to make it easier for heart to pump blood around body
Candesartan 4mg 1 a day - lowers blood pressure to make it easier for heart to pump blood around body
Asprin 75mg 1 a day - anti-platelet therapy - thins blood
Lansoprazole 30mg 1 a day [Proton Pump Inhibitor PPI] to prevent gastro bleeds - asprin
Clopidogrel 75mg 1 a day - until 16-3-2021 - another blood thinner
I was also taking-
Nicotin Patches 21mg - stopped 2 weeks after discharge.
Chlorphenamine 4mg OD - for 2 wks after discharge because of rash/allergy to one of the drugs I was first given.
Lastly I have a stent in my heart, which I don't like and will be asking when/if it can be removed.
Sunday 17 May 2020
Will need to go to the Heath Centre tomorrow as wasn't called on Friday as said via the online report I submitted. Still not received the results of the blood test and appointment for follow up at the RFH. Plus chemists assistant may be a problem.
Tuesday 19 May 2020
neighbour unusually quiet yesterday but today early pm I can hear her in her living room - think she has window open - i have my window open as well, doing some sort of exercise class ie can her her instructing and at time stomping on floor.
Sat 23 May 2020
I went to the A&E last night about the pains in my heart - I had been getting them on and off, since I came out of hospital following the HA. They where significantly worse yesterday as I looked it up on line and thought maybe I had Pericarditis HERE as I had some, though not all of the signs.
I didn't have to wait long to to see at the hospital, first by a couple of nurses then later on a Dr and nurses and the service and people were great. They did 2 ECG,s an X-Ray and 2 blood tests - Dr had a look and check of me and they couldn't as far as I am aware find anything serious and I didn't need any further treatment. I was there in all about 4 hrs I think.
The Dr read my notes etc, said the Cardiology department at the hospital had been given a nudge about making an appointment for me to see someone - following my heart attack 2 months earlier.
Apparently they don't send you out a letter letting you know when the appointment is, sort of thing - they phone you up out of the blue and if you miss the call you have to get back to them.
Sunday 24 May 2020
I still don't know what the pains are - the Dr mentioned spicy foods and fizzy drinks which I said I didnt eat/drink then later on I remembered I had put some mild spices in a meal I had made. Think ill have to cut out the spices, and just have the herbs as flavouring.
29 May 2020
I was feeling a bit better today after yesterday but found myself getting upset again by neighbour upstairs - i have to keep hearing her if not seeing her and I think she may think im not serious about taking her to court as ive not received any word from her about the Letter before court action I sent her and which the time is up - replaying the recordings of her and the venom directed at me still upsets me and having to live so closely to her still upsets me at times.
27 March 2020 - Hurry up and die HERE
29 April 2020 - i'm a loony, pyscho etc etc HERE
I'm really taken back by the sheer hatred and venom from her towards me.
Some people may think im a snowflake ie someone that gets upset and outraged by the smallest things, is upset by everything. I'm not really im not its just somethings [understandly I think] do upset me and I do try to not be but i find it difficult at times.
31 May 2020
Woke up this morning to banging about above me which continued intermittantly - couldn't get back to sleep so got up came in living room - turned mini music/radio system on to drown out the noise - the noise follows me from room to room which is annoying. I can't escape it unless i go out and I can't go out unless I need to. Its either tenant banging about or loud voice on the phone. A bit of a restbite last night as tenant went out for a few hours.
bad start to my waking day and its only now 12 noon. I could scream - deep breaths.
I need to get some sort of recording device that will pick up the noise from above [and the pipes] and give decibel readings.
Will go to PO in the week and get the [20 odd pages of ]the Legal Aid financial assistance form sent off. I think if i get it I will be sent a certificate or something to show my entitlement and I can then put application into HMCS.
I have to force myself to do things at times - to keep fighting against the urge to go back to bed, pull the duvet up and over me, the room in darkness and try go to sleep or at least gather my thoughts - i have to deal with things that come up even if its slowly at times and takes such considerable effort. I may have a few short lie downs though.
4 June 2020
I've not been feeling very well physically these last few days - tues eve was quite bad after id eaten and I felt pains and uncomfortable around stomach, heart area. Wed wasnt so bad but today has been awful - everything I eat has a bad affect on me physically ie sweating, pains in/around heart, lungs, back area, i don't know whats going on and hoping it will ease tomorrow and today is the worst of it. Maybe i caught something when I was out on Monday 1 June 2020. Ive been trying to eat more healthly but even having mainly veg earlier brought on me feeling ill, maybe i need to have really small portions at a time.
I don't know if its the meds i'm on, or what and going to the A&E didnt help establish what the problem was even though I had tests done.
I was sent a letter last week for an appoint at the RFH next week to see a Cardiology Dr, so I hope I can get a clear picture as to what the state of my heart is and other things like the pains and discomfort ive been feeling after eating. I'm trying not to unduly worry but sometimes I think maybe i have another blockage somewhere and ..... anyway I'm still alive for now, for how much longer i don't know.
Tuesday 9 June 2020
The tenant below me and the landlords housing repairs team have started again.
The tenant hasn't been living in the flat since the virus lock-down started but comes up and collects her post, mows the garden lawn sort of thing but lives somewhere else and all of a sudden its the reporting of alleged leaks, causing damage and another council plumber is backing up the tenant.
I can't wait to see the evidence.
I could get upset but i'm not going to anymore, rather i'm going to laugh out loud at them and if i see any of them i'll just point at them and laugh and laugh. I think this approach is better for my wel-being since my heart attack in March 2020.
you see the below photo - is from the very first time around Oct 2017 I think [yes its been going on since then - on and off] the tenant reported a leak that was supposed to be coming from my bathroom - the leak was supposed to be coming down the wall, down the tiles and onto the towel - there was no leak, no water on tiles, no water on the wall or ceiling from where the leak was supposed to be coming from. Yet people in the council went along with this and they continue to do so over 2 years later.
Tuesday 23 June 2020
Its a funny thing is coincidences - 2 weeks ago as I'm going out to go to the hospital for an appointment - that didn't exist, there just so happens to be a card/notice on the communal bookcase from the landlords in-house plumber [un-named] indicating that the #leakgate saga has started up again, after a 3 month break.
Today I notice that tenant below has moved back into the flat and I just so happen to receive a letter from the hospital - back dated, covering their 'ar*es' so to speak, which I sort of understand but as a former in-patient and now, well at some point maybe this year, I hope to be an actual out-patient, its annoying, upsetting etc etc - hello I had an actual heart attack, I nearly died, for real.
Excuse me if I get a bit upset every now and again at any shenanigans that may be going on with health care professionals. I have experienced shenanigans before, which is a shame really and though I am thankful/greatful etc for the help I have been given so far, I can't pretend im thankful/greatful for everything ive experienced.
Monday 13 July 2020
Diane Douglin - Case Management Officer. DD was supposed to be a Mediator from the Housing Repairs department, she turned out not to be a Mediator, as in Neutral and on 11 March 2020 sent me an email where she openly took sides and said "We are also concerned for the welbeing of your neighbour, who understandably is quite distressed about the recurring leaks and damage to her home and contents"
I never got to find out who the "We" was/is, but I guessed the tenant was hoping for compensation for the 'distress and damage' allegedly caused to her home and contents' and she had the 'royal We' on her side, despite there not being leaks and no damage done that I could see that was caused by the 1 leak that I did see and which was fixed.
The We has never shown let alone put in writting any concern for my welbeing despite all the distress this has caused me and continued to caused me. No concern even when I had a heart attack.
Marlene James - Housing Officer, Kentish Town. Who decided she wasn't going to inform/involve me in knowing about her decision to have the communal lights changed from easy to use switches to not so easy to use and they don't stay on long timers buttons. The other 2 tenants knew about this, they where in when the switches where changed, yet I was excluded when I am the tenant who is the most adversely affected by her decision re my difficulties in getting up and down the stairs and the lights going.
Fri 17 July 2020
Tenant in flat C above me has been making a racket since around 11am this morning til around 11.30pm this eve - banging things about, talking loudly above my living room at her window, hoovering late at night and banging into everything sort of thing - i've had my radio on all this time to drown out her noise, and it doesn't always work unless i have the radio very loud and I don't like having to do that as it hurts my ears and head and isn't comfortable really for too long. always sounded like jumping up and down in her living room on and off.
She always does this where she will be quiet for a few days and then wham the noise that goes on for hours, half the day sometimes longer.
Tenant below in flat A still isnt living in her flat - she was living somewhere else when the lock down started around 23 March 2020.
Sun 9 Aug 2020
Tenant below still isn't living in flat below but comes up to pick up letters etc and makes a big noisy exit - i guess to let me know. I can't help but feel agitated when I see/hear her and in some ways its a good thing she isn't living here as I really don't know how I would be if she was. I know I have to work on my reactions to her and to tenant above and not let them get to me so much - its very difficult for me, its like im being poked in an open wound and it really hurts and its instinctive to react by feeling angry/upset.
Mon 17 Aug 2020
I have been sent another letter with an appointment on it for a phone appointment with a Cardiologist as an out-patient, for the beginning of Nov 2020. I phoned up and checked the appointment was real as the letter i had received previously was for an appointment that didnt exist. The appointment is real apparently which is good. Its been over 7 months since I came out of hospital.
Sat 22 Aug 2020
Tenant came up and let me know she was there by making the noise when she left. She still isn't living in flat.
Wed 4 Nov 2020I had my phone appointment with the Cardiologist y/d - bar 1 of the medications, I will be on the 5 others for life and the Stent stays in for life. I will be sent an appointment to go to the hospital for another ECHOcardio-gram [ultra-sound] to see how the heart is re the systolic dysfunction.
I think it was the 80mg dosage that was responsible for the pains in/around my heart as since the reduction to 40mg I haven't been experiencing them, other than occasionally, this im greatful for. I am also coming to the end of being prescribed Clopiodgrel 75mg 1 a day - until 16/3/2012, blood thinner, but will continue with taking 75mg Asprin everyday for ever apparently and the other 4 meds each day for life or until I hear otherwise from Cardiologist.
Ah I nearly forgot: I still haven't received the results of the Nov 2020 ECHOcardio-gram [ultra-sound] and ECG of my heart - yes i know, the hospital is busy with all the Covid-19 stuff and whatnot so out-patients 'have to' be a bit more patient about such stuff - excuse the pun
3 March 2021
I feel like I want to die, i don't want to be me, to feel these feelings, make them go away - the tears again. i have to comfort myself, 'its ok its ok' till the next time.
Sat 7 March 2021
Im not feeling too bad today. I have stopped with the talking therapy -which continued via zoom when things where locked down back in March 2020 due to covid 19 virus. It helped at times to have the group there and for that I'm thankful for, but it wasn't the right set-up for me to explore much in-depth things I needed/wanted to explore, maybe i'll be okay though.
I've done a lot of work on myself over the last few years and I can say that without ego or banging any drums, I know I am stronger mentally than I thought I was, thought it hasn't always seemed that way and has taken lots of ups and downs, pain and tears as well as nice feeling and thoughts [yes i have them on occasions].
Sunday 14 March 2021
I'm supposed to decide where abouts I want to move to and try and get a move somehow to the area, with some help from a family member - but i can't decide where I want to go, really i'm so indecisive about this and have been for years. I know I want to get away from here - the tenant upstairs is still making noise, i can still hear her everyday - except y/d for some reason she was as quite as a mouse for at least 24hrs and it was bliss but as usual, i get lulled into a false sense of security and then noise starts again, over my bedroom and it carries on, off and on through out today.
I don't want to move thats the thing as in ways I don't mind the flat [its not fancy or anything] or the area but I can't live in here till the day I die with Camden Council as landlord and the property with no insulation of any type, let alone noise and with the 2 other tenants around the place.
The next move if it ever happens will have to be the last, I ain't no good at moving around so much.
Tues 20 April 2021
Recent word from the DWP is that I am still in the same WRAG that they put me in months before the 23 March 2020 covid19 lock down and which I was in the process of querying [this was my last assessment late 2019] but as many will know dealing with the DWP isn't a nice/easy experience even at the best of times, so come lockdown and heart attack I let the issue slip - though I did sent them in stuff about the HA but didnt hear back from them.
I recently phoned up DWP and managed to actually get through to someone - who told me words along the lines of 'I had been sent a letter from them about my last assessment review and that I had been turned down -even after my heart attack] well I hadn't received anything and said that but didnt push it as I knew it would be pointless.
On top of the word about this I also received a letter from DWP about a charge Camden Council had put on my ESA sick payments [yes i am actually sick and haven't been pretending, though im not in a coma and can do some stuff, i can't do what i used to be able to do, physically/emotionally] The DWP didnt say what the charge was about other than housing [could be rent, service charge etc] or how much it was only the weekly amount to be deducted.
I am in the process of querying this - after all the council has done they pull this on me. Im guessing what the charge is about but I d like the DWP to tell me what it is etc and I will challenge and the way the DWP operates though they will probably find some way to drag it out for so long that I forget about it/lose the will to carry on with it, or some other reason so they dont have to get me a proper answer etc.
Sunday 30 May 2021
GP sent me a text saying something about rheumatoid markers being raised and i have an appointment with Rheumatology at local hospital in 2 months time.
Thursday 17 Feb 2022
recent phone appointment with cardiologist seemed to go okay though I didnt say all i wanted to say[like about the coughing] but i don't suppose it matters - though the wrong side of my heart that has the stent in was noted in a letter I was cc-ed into cardio sent to GP.
The breathlessness and coughing seems to be because my heart doesn't pump enough oxygenated blood to my lungs [ejection fraction at 41% - could be lower now 2 years on]. The depression and though mainly suppressed by the anti-depressants, is deep within me and I can feel it and the hopelessness i feel about life in general still persists.
The not getting good sleep is still a problem for me - i can get to sleep but usually only for 2/3 hrs at a time. Hearing/reading about the links that bad sleep has to developing dementia doesn't help things [my father now deceased, had vascular dementia] I know I should put some real effort into trying to sort out the sleep thing but I don't seem to have that much motivation or will to do so. These last few years battling with this that and the other has taken so much out of me.
Are there any positives in my life one may wonder - yes there are like my cat Jack, like things could be a lot worse than they are, that I can still at times laugh and see the beauty of the flowers, trees etc around me and the good some people do and I still feel in awe of some things far greater and beautiful than I.
I can still feel love and empathy/compassion - though relationships aren't easy for me.
30 March 2022
3 of my meds have been changed [ dosage increased]
I keep thinking that I wish I was brave/strong or stupid enough [depending on how you look at it] to stop taking all the heart meds and wait and see what happens but i don't want to have another heart attack - as it wasn't a nice feeling at all, and not knowing at first what was happening inside of my body that was making me feel so ill, and that I had no control over it and then the physical pain and the breathlessness that I didn't realise what it was as my voice became so low and quiet i could only speak in barely a whisper.
Im depressed - still - but it doesnt come out like it would if i wasn't taking the anti-depressants. i can feel it though, i sense it. the hopelessness, sadness, i try not to think of it too much, i don't in general THINK too much, not like id did when the Thing happened and my mind/brain went into overdrive, my friend i have neglected you for too long i thought, and I had.
2 June 2022
I went to the hospital y/day for a echocardiogram [ultrasound] scan of my heart. I won't know results until I see cardiologist at August 2022 appointment - the first face-to-face appointment since heart attack on monday 16 march 2020.
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