About this blog

Ramblings, thoughts, facts and opinions about political things - starting point council tenant participation with my land-lord Camden council and council tenant reps plus other housing issues, and whatever.


The Battle for Wellbeing

Friday 10 March 2017

According to the NHS website HERE Well being  is:

" Feeling happy is a part of mental well being. But it’s far from the whole.
Feelings of contentment, enjoyment, confidence and engagement with the world are all a part of mental well being.
 Self-esteem and self-confidence are, too.
So is a feeling that you can do the things you want to do. And so are good relationships, which bring joy to you and those around you."

The thing is that when one been disconnected from people (all, some, most) but then reaches a point in their life existence  for connection with the right people, the earth, nature, other beings, the universe it does come with its problems  as well as its benefits.

Opening up can start with taking in the beauty around you like the trees, flowers, etc, like looking up to the sky on a clear night and seeing the stars, the moon, or in the day the sun, and feeling, seeing them as the wondrous things they are. Learning that everything is connected, or has the potential of being connected. Learning how the human brain works, atoms, particles, etc, exploring the mind, the soul, trying to function as a whole instead of fractured parts.

I'm not going mad, i'm really not, just moving to a different frequency (i think) to try and make this existence bearable. Its a slow process and some times it feels like one step forward, 3 steps back, but its happening.

Being connected means seeing/knowing/feeling others pain. Feeling others joy? Knowing its all one. Its spiritual, intangible. At times I can feel myself lifting up towards the light and i feel my heart fire up and my brain fire up but then the pain drags me back down again.

I had a glorious mighty experience. It was also a mighty painful one. Still is. It had a profound affect on me. I need good sleep. I have various battles to fight. 

I will probably change my mind later on and take this post down as I'm really tired and need to sleep and don't  know what point i'm trying make. I'm sure i started of with a point in mind but ive lost it now or maybe i have made the point and don't realise it yet.

13 March 2017
sometimes its like the pain doesn't can't really belong to me. not sure the ups are really mine either.

Thank you for being open but ...... Shall I close myself up again?

Some NHS services should come with a health warning I reckon.

14 March 2017
Am feeling the warm glow inside of me this evening - but its a struggle to keep hold of it continuously but I'm trying.

17 March 2017
Am trying a new technique: replacing the pain feeling with the warm glow feeling. It seems to have worked a bit this late eve but was hard - or maybe it was the magic dust that I came across that did it - who knows.

18 March 2017
Came down a bit (crashed) from the warm glow and sleep isn't too good. Need good sleep.

19 March 2017
Am sure that at least some of the pain I feel in my neck and shoulders and which I was receiving NHS treatment for (but wasn't able to continue with), is to do with stress, anxiety etc.


22 March 2017
Pain in my right shoulder is fierce today. What doesn't kill ya makes you stronger [in some ways] apparently.

The Battle has shifted onto a higher level.

With love.

27 March 2017
Have been finding it harder and harder to go outside even to the front gate without feeling strange inside, without anxiety over what I'm not really sure about. Its like I feel vulnerable to something I can't yet work out and I want to go back inside but inside isn't safe not entirely.

I know I haven't gone back inside myself as before and closed up but instead of feeling like I am blending into the outside [being invisible maybe] I am so very aware of being held in a body [container]  that won't loosen its grip on me not even a bit to let me expand as I need to.

30 march 2017
am a bit lifted at present and think I may at some point go find a [little] hill and go sit down on it and meditate [for a few minutes] - not forgetting to hug an old [wise?]  tree on my way down. But I might not even have to go out just imagine it in my mind.

1 April 2017
I feel as if I was given something magical but then it was snatched away from me and has caused a deep painful wound in my soul. I need to mend. I am alive existing. I will find a way.

updated
am like a water fountain that keeps switching on and off. i feel dehydrated. im turning into a sun dried prune. ffs. and if I go out in the sun I might just combust as well. sleep. sleep. sleep. I laugh. Is this a test?

With love.

2 April 2017
Tears for Fears. Tears for Love.
I think I'm processing things better than I used to. I don't have the usual self loathing thoughts [though I know they are there lurking, rising but falling back]. The blame. The weakness. Shifting. They are no use to me anymore. I will heal. Believe. Patience.

I weep again.  Am I being cleansed, unblocked? My questioning mind. Always. It is what it is.

Ascend.

back again.....
I was listening to some relaxing celtic music on utube HERE - 
it helped a bit for a little while - i was imagining at first being at the seaside, not many people about, a warm slighly breezy day, i was alone, and that was okay. I looked out to the sea and looked around to take more of it in, and I lifted up off the ground and I could rise higher. Its not quite perfected though, I need to control it. I went to the cliff edge, lifted, I went to look at volanco, a vast river, forrest, mountains, lakes, wildlife in natural habit, birds, I was in the sky when snow fell, when lightening struck, when the wind was fierce, when the rain poured down. Magnetic shield around me. My friends. Thank you. I forgot to look up at the sun.

I was on the earth and I looked at the creatures who lived within it and I thanked them. I went down into the earth, deep down, through its natural resources and I came to the centre - 'metal/iron' - i kissed it. I love you. I must go up now.

I rise up through the earth and surface and its nightime and I look up and I see so many stars, overwhelming. So many. I rise up and I remember the magnetic shield around the earth and I think how can I be rising, floating up  when gravity is supposed to keep me down. Then I remembered I just can. I didn't  get up to far though as I got distracted. For a little while I felt such joy, saw such beauty I weep.

I think i'm starting to freak myself out a bit.

emotions, sometimes its like I don't really want to let them go, the pain. as if I do I will be letting go of something I am afraid to let go off.  Damned if I do damned if i don't?  My eyes are opened with a glow of brightness.

Really i'm not going mad [i keep telling myself]

I nearly forgot the moon, respect always.

3 March 2017
I can't sleep for more than a few hours without waking up. I need good sleep. I weep again. am trying not to feel hate, anger, not to feel the scream in my head destroy what is left of me.

I feel sad.

But you are human, not a supernatural all powerful god.but I am. I am. eck wasn't it the royals who had the slogan "I am" in their invector games.

Lord of the rings. Good v bad. Why am talking such bs? because im expunging this poison from my body, mind, spirit. Nuclear waste.radioactive waste.  Know thy enemy. sleep.

4 April 2017
feel deflated today and don't have enough energy to do much. Feel like my body keeps going to sleep while i'm awake. would like to start swimming again one day. Why are some things so difficult to do, seemingly easy things on the face of it, such hurdles to get over, or around depending on how you look at it.

I feel I don't have enough time left - that life has passed me by [or i let it pass me by] - what if this really is the only existence we have? but I won't care/know when I die, so why do I care whilst living? afraid of living and afraid of dying. feel disconnected again on some levels.

6 April 2017
Didn't feel too bad for a while yesterday but later deflated quite a bit. Am sleeping a lot now but sleep still interrupted. Fell asleep at one point listening to radio - subject was genes and sleep disorders or something like that.

7 April 2017
Fight or flight - both. Lots of tears and acknowledging uncomfortable thoughts that need to be processed properly - apologies to anyone caught in the crossfire between my conscious and unconscious state.  Some things seem to take a while to filter through, for me to really see understand them.


Update
was ok for a few hours earlier today then mini brake down again [the pain, the tears] i wish I could go 1 whole day without the pain hurting so much it reduces me to tears.  even every other day would be progress. My neck and shoulders are playing me up today. I  feel weak but I know I am stronger than before. Believe.

Think I need to meditate again [can't do it everyday takes so much energy and have to be in right frame of mind] especially the trip I had the other day. I will get there. I will get there.

Does my pain repel you?  Is it your pain? the universe?


9 April 2017
wish i would stfu and stop writing this bs on here making a show of myself.  buck up your ideas, pull yourself together as some would say. Sometimes I can't read this stuff without feeling repelled or repulsed. Do xxxx off.

You know when some of the feelings/thoughts you have that you still find you are too ashamed  afraid to say to anyone else. Nothing bad about doing harm to anyone or anything like that just being human things. When at times you feel lonely and long to connect with the right being/s and be able to build on it. Or maybe the feeling is about a longing to properly connect with oneself and the universe in general but not feeling that you are. Patience. But there's not enough time. Patience.

When you have to keep people, even friends and family at a distance because you can't not do so. Maybe they aren't the right people to properly connect with or maybe you have a phobia of getting too close to any being.  To be free from oneself.  Rewind and start again.

From Camden with love.

12 April 2017
Saw GP today who was very supportive, which I appreciate a lot.

14 April 2017
put on the relaxation music and lay down and went for a journey inside my mind. It wasn't as intense as the last one - haven't been able to do deep [for me it is - small steps] meditation that often.

I saw things I needed to realise before I can ascend past the earths magnetic rings. I saw I had to get past my fear of heights. I also saw that the built up city I live in is like a barrier around me that stops the higher frequencies from freely flowing through. I need space. The open countryside, the sea, lakes, mountains, open unobstructed space.

I am in the ocean and I see the biggest creature on earth - the blue whale, magnificent in its sheer size, I am beside it I see into its eyes. We are one. I see the tiniest of ocean creatures, we are one. Thank you my friends. Know I love you.

I am on the top of the Post Office tower and I look out and I see more of whats around me. Don't look down, look ahead and above. Don't look down and see height, see a floor, a secure floor. The top of the tower opens up to look out side. I hesitate. Believe. I am afraid. Believe. I step out of the tower and its a floor. Its secure.

But what do i do now?

I go down and look at the creatures who live in the skies, on the wind, eagles, other birds. Creatures who live in the trees, on mountains. I see the creatures who live on the earths surface and it is the human creatures that disappoint and hurt me, who cause so much pain, why is that so? There are good humans but so much damage is done.

I go down through the earth and I get to the core. At first there is nothing just a space and after a little wait I hear it speaking to me. I am you and you are me. I am afraid, don't be. I love you and you love me. Yes. Know it. I smile. Thank you.

I swirl around like a switched on power drill [on reflection it probably was a bit slower swirl] and I rise back up through the earth and arrive on the surface.

Journey ends for now. Not sure where I am going. I feel fear. Thats ok.
Am sleeping for longer periods now. But it might change again, just have to wait and see.

15 April 2017
The feeling of fighting for my life is surfacing again, like I'm drowning in rough waters in the middle of nowhere, and keep coming up for air to take into my lungs.

I know how to swim, not brilliantly though, but I need to find something to hold onto or I will go under for sure. I will conquer up a swimming ring to put around me and hold me steady[ish] until the fog clears and I can really see where I am.

Not got me yet.

With love.

17 April 2017
Felling quite anxious today but I know what it may be about.
Without tempting fate, I have managed to go 2 whole days without the water works. I have struggled a lot with loosening the grip a bit.

Am feeling spiritual today. I see not what was snatched [so cruelly it seemed] from me but what was given - and I still have it. It was a gift. Thank you. With love.

18 April 2017
have had a piece of the tune from the Waltz of the Roses HERE playing in my head on and off since I woke up. I had to listen to it again. It is most beautiful, caressing piece. Felt like a violin bow was literally playing the tune on my heart and I could picture it in my mind.  Very deep tune. Takes my breath away ..... then I deflated.

Wonders where I go from here.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't here, that I no longer existed, that I never had existed. What was the point in my birth? Having to search for reasons for this existence when it should be known from the start - I think. 

I'm not suicidal, just questioning the reasons for my existence on this planet, an existential crisis.

Where do you go after your nervous system has broken down a bit and brought out so much pain at times thought you would fully  breakdown, but you just can't let that happen, you won't let that happen.

When not long before this you are triggered so close to breaking point it frightens the bejesus out of you and have to 'reach out man' and contact mental health crisis team who provided some support which i am grateful for, but it wasn't on going. I was discarded discharged without being informed. Do they think people don't find it hard enough at times to 'reach out', admit their problems, their difficulties that stops them from functioning properly? Seems that in patients are also having to battle with the problem of not enough help being provided by the NHS.

It could have been a lot worse I think and I am thankful for the support I appear to be currently receiving from GP and Camden councils housing officer. It may all have an illusion playing tricks with my mind though.

I thought back to the days when I couldn't speak at all about what was going on. I was mute, I really couldn't get words out, didn't know the words, didn't know what was happening other then I had to escape from this existence, that I had to pull away, retreat.

Where do you go? 

With love always. 


21 April 2017
Anyway, thank goodness there are many good people still around and that love really does have healing powers. Its a mighty force.

I'm tired must get some sleep soon.

23 April 2017
Other peoples love - and pain - attracts and repels  - sometimes at the same time or there about I think.


26 April 2017
I'm not sure meditation is supposed to make me cry but it does at times as I battle with trying to let go of the pain, the hurt, feels like there is so much of it inside me. Where are the happy feelings, the contentment feelings? I can only remember feeling happy on a few past occasions for a  few fleeting moments - where I actually thought "I feel happy".

I am probably my worst enemy in many ways. I never believed I had the strength, the know how to live instead of existing.

Yesterday as I was cycling down a nearby leafy street, I looked around at the trees, and I soaked them up and I felt good for a little while. I found myself telling the trees I loved them. Another time when I was cycling down a road where the autumn leaves where on the ground and a gust of wind blew the leaves up and around me as I cycled. It was magical.

Why is it so hard to hold onto the magical?

Update
I've got the magical back - don't know how long it will last thought. I need to discipline myself a lot more as I have become very sluggish in many ways. I can do it. I can do it.

1 May 2017
Bad day yesterday - not much energy, lots of crying. feeling a great need for a meaningful connection, feeling needy which I hate. What do you not understand?

Feeling I have no control over the pain, the tears - up and down round and round. At least though the anti depressants seem to control the depression to a large degree, though it does seep through at times. They don't help with the anxiety, the obsessive [not total obsessive] thinking, the pain, the tears, the fear. This has been going on now for 4 months,and I'm feeling annoyed with myself for not being strong enough to have moved on from this. Can I have lots of strong drugs please? Can I have a different existence please?

2 May 2017
I am trying a new technique for dealing with my negative emotions: instead of wanting the pain to go away, telling it to go away, I am now trying to accept unconditionally what ever feelings arise and not push them aside. To 'listen' to them with love, without judgement, without putting a name to them, for however long them need to talk. They are me - all one energy. I know I also have to believe in my self, change and believe - the narrative in my head that tells me how disgusting, horrible, etc etc etc I am - challenge it always. This is a journey in which I am learning, realising, awakening. I am impatient at times.

If this doesn't work after a period of time I will find something else.
With love.

update
chemical bonds or spiritual bonds? is it all down to chemicals i wonder.

Nature and nurture all the same thing - chemical reactions? maybe we can change the chemical reactions by using our minds?  wow what a thought. Has there been studies? am I stoned and does it really matter?

6 may 2017
I had to agree to have one of cats [sister/twin of remaining cat 6 y/o] put to sleep yesterday - vet couldn't save her, they tried over a number of days but couldn't find out the cause of why she was so poorly - they think she may have been poisoned when outside. Love you always sweetheart xxx.

                              Bonny [sitting up] and Jack when kittens


update
the pain is fierce tonight.

9 May 2017
Have been feeling a bit more lifted, high but not too high. My senses are heightened and I feel the love. It keeps coming back to me like it can't not filling my whole being and no amount of pain is going to stop it.  The connection I felt I had lost with some others changed into the connection with myself. We are taught we only have have 5 senses: smell, sight, taste, hearing, touch but we are not taught that many other senses flows from them, or along side them. Wow I really must go sit on a hill in the sun and meditate.

10 May 2017
Find that my moods don't stay constant for more than 2 days. In some way its like living with lots of different beings, but they are all one.

I was making connections, I could feel them, thought they where positive, then wallop - the hadron collider thing happens and its wtf is this. Why did this happen, why has it caused so much pain. It feels like there will be no further connecting. Is this the end of the line? I hope not.

My brain, my mind, my soul, my existence, my whole being stares at me in the face, up close - looking into my eyes, daring me to stare back and really look, see, understand what is inside.

The reason I keep equating what happened, to atoms, and charged particles etc to is because it is what happened. Surely I can't be the only person in whole world that has had this experience? Hello earth, am I really a creature from outer space? I come in peace, but have 'stolen' this human body for experimental purposes but I don't know what state I will leave it in.

12 may 2017
I miss my little furry one. Sometimes I'd wonder which of the 2 would go first - now I know but wish I didn't.

Will chase psych referral up soon which the Tavistock and Portman - assessment at GP practice.

update
not so long ago I had a strange feeling inside  [I think it was my heart] or that area, had actually moved/shifted like it had tried to leave my body but couldn't.

I've felt lonely on and off today. Its a discomforting feeling even if it only lasts a  few seconds at a time. Thankfully its not a problem as such as I don't feel it most days but it may be tied into needing to feel connected to [some] other people and fear of intimacy. I keep forgetting not to put labels on feelings as good or bad and just accept them without judgement. But how can i really do that?

Chemicals, hormones. I need good sleep. I sometimes have re-occurring themed dreams that i remember most of, that I need to figure out what they mean but i can't. I don't have feelings and sensations in my dreams. I wish I could understand them and control them and feel I am actually alive in them. Control control control. Life but not as we know it.

But we can't control everything.

Getting tired of all this mental health awareness malarky - its like by bringing it to the fore of public awareness = things/people are going to change for the better and we are all going to be 'healed' and live fluffy lives or something. BS. But one has to pretend to try and make it through the day.

Happy, smiley people = don't ya just 'hate' them?

Anyway, positive thoughts, positive feelings, positive energy and healing.

Bring on the robots I'm getting fed up with all this emotional stuff.

back again
lots of intense feelings and tears. I was triggered - delayed reaction. will sleep soon. having trouble making sense of some things that I feel I need to make sense of. I have to make sense of. Is that rational? Sometimes I think I know. Other times I don't know. sleep.

With love from Camden.

13 May 2017
feel like I am going backwards again instead of forward - lots of intense feelings again - its like they are attacking me, stabbing at me, daring/willing me to break under their force. Testing me.

On a positive note, I do have days where I feel lifted, more confident, able etc and I have to keep remembering those days and build on them and know/believe I can overcome this and recover from it. I do have a degree of  support around me. That helps.

16 May 2016
 I came a cross a website called Emotional Processing HERE, set up by  the Clinical Research Unit, part of the NHS and Bournemouth University, Dorset.

18 May 2017
Twitter can be really depressing at times. Various people in pain trying to get help or justice, supporters, all trying to make something happen - to 'kill the beasts', somehow. Thinking that i wish I could help them but I can't do much.  Other people doing really horrible things to others, children, babies, animals. Inflicting pain. The Scream. Think I'm still going backwards and I don't know how to stop it.Twitter makes me laugh as well which is a positive plus who can live without the cute animal pic's/video's cheering them up?

I'm fighting for my life again, fighting against the brutal pain and the feelings of wanting to cut my skin with a blade and see the blood trickle out and the stinging sensation afterwards. Its not about bringing about my death[suicide] but bringing some relief. But I won't ever do it again. I can't do it again. Losing this battle isn't an option for me. I roar.  fcuk you. Spread the word I'm coming out so you better get this party started.

Attract, come closer. Repel, don't look at me. stop looking at me.

The tears. They are mine. This is me. This is what I know.

Its what others know.
Regulate those emotions. Can't have them taking control.

20 May 2017
Received word from the Tavi - referral from GP accepted and waiting time is approx 8-10 weeks for assessment.

update
lots of tears today.  love from Camden.

22 May 2017
have been thinking about Belief and 'Magic' - wanting to believe in a particular thing or things but not wanting to believe if not obtainable sort of thing, because i don't want to waste my thoughts, energy, feelings for years and years on a dream and die knowing it was just a wasted dream. Faith in something that continuously tests you and is not obtainable.

I want to believe in magic I really do but I fear the disappointment it would bring. Its fear again always getting in the way. I have to let go of a lot of my fears - but they are part of me and its like i don't want to let them go. Its changing them into positives and keeping them changed. Creating illusions from dis-illusions.

26 May 2017
I've not really taken in the Manchester arena bombing that happened on 22 May 2017 resulting in around 22 dead and many injured apparently by a suicide bomber who was a Muslim fanatic. Not sure what to believe anymore when it comes to acts of terrorism and other stuff to do with government and wars so I mainly watch from the sidelines, listen to views from lots of different people and try and keep calm.

I hope the conservatives don't win again when we have the general election on 8 June 2017. I've had enough of them now.

27 May 2017
I realized that my confidence and self esteem had/s taken a bit of a bashing - not that it was that great in some area's to start with but I'm working on it - small steps.

30 May 2017
I'm not experiencing the highs like I used to. I miss them. The pain is till there and reducing me to tears most days but in some way it feels different. Its like I still can't let go of it yet but I have times when it isn't there and all what has happened feels like a far away dream world.

Going out is still an issue of having to fight the anxiety, the resistance to being exposed to  - what I don't know.

I remembered some of the dream I had last night - the same theme - trying to make my way 'home' to flat in kentish town via the tube but never making it. I tried to remember more [there was a lot more] but it was like my memory didn't want me to.

On a positive note I was able to make a few connections for a short time with some people when out today, but I want [or need] to be able to feel the connections more if that makes sense - I'm not even sure what i mean. Maybe my hopes are to high to achieve. Time will tell.

I realised another thing about myself that i really need to work on. It relates to the confidence and self esteem I mentioned above in that when trying to do one of the tasks I came across on line re writing down positive things about myself, which I found difficult to do [maybe I was starting to high up instead of starting at the more simple things] I realised that I also found it difficult to do with people, even with family/friends. Its a barrier I think I put up many years ago and that i need to break down.

1 June 2017
Was thinking about how over the years people come into and go out of our lives, some regretfully so others not so. How missing those who only after they were gone it is realised how much they are missed [valued] even  years later, and even more recently.

3 June 2017
Sleep hasn't been to good of late ie waking up every few hours or so and never feeling like I've had enough sleep. Oh to jump out of bed after a good sleep fully revitalised and raring to go ......

On second thoughts its just not me really, I'm part sloth I think.

On a positive note and I hope I 'm note tempting fate, but I haven't had the tears for 3 whole days. 3 days and nights. Thank you.

I need to fly high in the sky but i'm not too sure of late whether out there in space is where I'm heading. Who knows, I will arrive at where i arrive and for once i will trust myself to know [without knowing if that makes sense] that where I am heading is the right place for me. Feel it. Know it. Love will win.

4 June 2017
There has been another 'terrorist' incident, this time in London again - London Bridge and  Borough Market - 3 men in a van drove into  people and then got out of van and started stabbing people.
More than one dead.

Apparently 2 of the men shot dead by police the other is in custody.

 Love and warm hugs to all affected by such acts of brutality.

Update
apparently, 6 people killed and the 3 men shot dead by police and over 30 injured. maybe the 1 man taken into custody was to do with the unrelated incident in Vauxhall.

Update
Then 3 men shot apparently wore fake suicide bomb jackets. One member of the public shot [accidently] when 8 armed police fired 50 shots. Police arrived at scene within 8 minutes of the call. 

5 June 2017
Woke up and the pain in neck and shoulders was as firece as it was last night. Had to meditate. The pain has lessoned  bit.

Had thoughts of not  wanting to be here anymore. Thoughts of cutting myself deep and watching the blood roll down my arm. Thinking of the fag burn scars on my forearm from 30 years ago. Faded but still there. A faded scar on other forearm. Thankfully not as many scars as there could of been. Like tattoo's. Like many others the scars are mainly on the inside.

I wish the Tavi would hurry up with my appointment.

Yours Truly the Black Hole. There is life Jim but not as we know it.

6 June 2017
 positive energy, positive thoughts and ..... fuck it I can't be arsed.

You know when you have days where you just want to cuss and swear and not give a 4xxx about anything.

I was reminded the other day of when some 'squirrely fcuker' from holborn cid arrested me and when in custody stole my keys from the 'secure' bag and snuck round here entered and stole property. He broke the law. He knew he was breaking the law. I had written somestuff on this site and others that some 'old tarts' to do with Camden council objected to - I found out it was really to do with proper council people and not the tenent reps - but they used it to their advantage, scratched backs - as they do, and acted the innocent victims set upon for no reason at all. Some are still around, still at it I imagine.

Anyway, standing near him at the front desk when he came back from breaking the law, I at first thought he had kicked my door in, but he hadn't and I pointed my finger at him and said something and next thing I knew 2/3 coppers where next to me and somehow lifted me up off the floor [without me feeling them doing it] and maneoved me into the cell and closed the door.

I lost it big time and started kicking the door and shouting every swear word I could think of to describe him and then realised what i was doing and calmed down.

Oh yeah and the time 2 coppers from holborn came and threatened to break down my door - there wasn't any need to make threats I would have opened the door without the threats, but there you go.

And the woman copper who said they can break the law/ or something like that.

I know there are good coppers but some of them are the pits, and they get away with it because as I observed when in custody, other coppers don't say anything to them. The IPCC upheld my complaint about dodgy dc, apologized and I was sign posted to the department where they give money as compensation but I didn't want money and I didn't put in a claim. I would have preferred an apology from said copper and said practices to cease, but that wasn't going to happen.

For some time after this I couldn't bear to even see a copper without the anger, the disappointment, the disgust rising within me. As far as I'm concerned if you are a 'law enforcer' and arrest someone you shouldn't then knowingly go do something in relation to the arrest that breaks the law.

But then ignorance of the law is no defence - apparently. Ah I just remembered one of excuses given was his ignorance of the law. Really. They take the P at times.

But saying this I really do believe and know there are good coppers its just that the 'system' seems stacked in favour of the squirrely ones.

PS i don't actually know what 'squirrely' means but i saw it in a cartoon some years back and thought it was funny. No offence to actual squirrels who I love and wish no harm upon.

My experience of some coppers, being charged, going through the courts, lies, more lies, bs. play acting, being outnumbered - left  me open to anything happening to me -  in the system - they really can do what they like. I didn't run away I looked the fuckers straight in the eyes, do your worst you bastards I thought. Didn't get me imprisoned though did you david - as threatened at the dmc. They didn't break me, that was never going to happen.

I guess I was lucky in some ways as it really could have been a lot worse and I did learn from it but I was able to get through it because I had detached myself from it, I had closed down, I was closed down when still involved in all this bs, my mother was dying and then died.

Then years later I was broken down by a 'professional' in the NHS and then its having to battle with the same bs to try breaking through the system 'they' hide within when they have messed up, to get some answers, the truth. 

Anyway, I will probably go back to my 'new and improved' charming, gorgeous meditation inspired, love is king, tree hugger [on occasions] self after I've had a kip.

Its the way things are.

The many faces of eve.

9 June 2017
Oh well the 'murdering lying bast'ds' of poorly folk [sorry for the cussing again but sometimes its best let out then kept in] have gotten back in. More time for them to 'kill off' more disabled people before they are eventually kicked out in 5 years time. 

Anyway, that said I have to fill in another form and send it back to DWP as an assessment is due - WCA - limited capacity for work. Job centre didn't know what to do with me when I was called in a little while back - I gave them the brief about me mini breakdown and how I'm still recovering and whatnot and I await another call in at some point to sample the new and improved, compassionate, tailored to the individual scheme the DWP [via local government] have come up with. Can't wait. Ok I'm being sarky.

I think the highs have come back, not too high, but fired up high. I changed tactic, and am letting go of the pain, its ok to let it go. Its been a learning curve for sure.

I'm not over worrying about the assessment - if it comes down to it I will have to sell off some body parts or something like that to maintain my high, medium low standard of living. I don't require much.

11 June 2017
I'm doing the meditation thing every day now, not sure if its working though in regards to somethings, but may be working in regards to others. Not really sure what I am wanting to happen - some noticiable transformation within me I guess, but it slow going, patience.

Was thinking of tidying up the last few posts so they don't read so much like a crazy person having a crisis, but it is what it is, and I won't tidy it up. I'm coming out of the 'thing' from the last few months but the pain still surfaces everyday, it creeps up on me and stabs at my heart [its the gut area  - its like a mini brain with millions of nerve endings that are fired up by messages from the brain and thats why it literally feels like your heart is being stabbed/broken].  So much to learn and so little time [feels like it]


23 June 2017
Sleep is still bad - getting about 3/4 hrs at most then waking up and then if I get back to sleep waking up again every 2 hrs and having whole days when I feel really tired and sleepy and if able to stay up for  few hrs at most then back to bed and try and sleep. I did have a day a couple of days back though  when I felt quite high and quite good which was great. Wish more days where like that.

Going out is still difficult. Because of sleeping pattern I wake really early and sometimes sit out on doorstep for a bit with Jack but I always feel shaky and uneasy. Am trying to figure out what the anxiety is about and can only think that its too built up here - so many houses with windows that someone could be having a look, so many people. I try and concentrate of the greenery and the birds tweeting and the wind etc but am still anxious. Its nice though to see the animals, dogs being taken for a walk. The sky. Back to sleep soon as very tired.

25 June 2017
Talk about synchronicity and signs,  be aware, be awake, we as humans are I believe so much more then the physical, what we can see with our physical eyes, its awesome. It is within us, around us, above us, below us, its truly beautiful. Once seen never forgotten.

29 June 2017
Sleep still bad getting 3/4hrs at most before waking up and then if I can back to sleep waking up every few hrs. Got lower teeth guard from dentist to wear when I go too sleep as I grind my teeth[lots of people do I think]  and am wearing them down and it may be having an affect on my neck/shoulder pain. Will see.  Sometimes feel like I will crack up big time but I will carry on trying not to, carry on with the meditation, carry on as one does.

2 July 2017
Have felt quite unstable in some area's of late and the stuff with the neighbours visitors cycle has triggered anxiety about going down and seeing the cycle there[and sparking me off] - more anxiety i don't need but its there and I have to manage it without kicking off. I can't go through the rest of my life with this anxiety after anxiety taking over and stopping me from doing things I need to do. I have appointment with pyschologist next week for assessment. Maybe all whats happened in last year [particularly] is because I am now able to deal with things I haven't dealt with. Its taken so long though and I have regrets over that, wasting so much time.


6 July 2017
Its been 2 months since my little cat Bonny was put to sleep - I still miss her and see her in my mind around the place, her little face, I  wonder if her brother Jack misses her does as well, its hard to tell. He doesn't go out as much now - hes been 'warned' to not die for at least another ten years longer even. Breaks your heart when a pet dies, being part of the family.

I feel a bit more stable and I have an appointment tomorrow for an assessment with a TAP person at GP practice. Not sure whats going on with my sleep pattern as have not been able to sleep for more than the occassion 4 hrs without waking up and then its usually 2 hrs sleep at most. Have found that doing the mediation seems to work for easing physical pain[tension in body] a bit, its amazing really.

7 July 2017
Went for TAP appointment this morning but it hadn't been booked  - but have got new appointment for next week and letter to be sent to me confirming it. It happens - I'm not upset about it. Lady at GP practice was very apologetic.

I have though found myself getting upset/afraid of an issue I need to stop being so afraid of and is one of the issues I need to work on is that of making friends - and keeping them. I think the handful of friends I have are slipping away of late or maybe i'm letting them go, I don't know, but I have to stop being so afraid of losing people [maybe not compatible, or its just ment to be] In the past I have let friends go - I guess because I didn't really know how to hold onto them and I think i was to judgemental ie if we had an arguement, that sort of thing, and didn't keep in contact with because of this. Have lost 2/3 few friends in the past I wish I hadn't lost and regret it.

Some of the friends I'm losing now I'm not really sure I want to hold onto if I'm honest, but maybe the problem is that we don't really talk about things that we should ie there is a problem, though I have gotten better at it, I think. I don't even now if I'm agood friend as I can be still unsociable and I try to explain this but I hope I am, but who nows. I don't needs loads of friends, just a few[/2/3 even I don't need loads]  genuine ones that understand and accept me and visa versa.

I just want/need to make genuine [and long term] connections with some people, but I don't know if I am doing things the right way, its still so difficult for me. Those I do know past and present I know but accident or whatever, not because I have met someone and liked them and said to them how about meeting for a coffee that sort of thing. I have to stop being so afraid, and build my confidence/self esteem and take the plunge and if I like someone male or female, to try and get to now them - its so scary for me - fear of rejection [and other things to do with it] I guess with possible friends and lovers.

I don't really socialise but have been going again to public meetings but this time to do with health, but I still find that when the meetings are over, or it there a break I don't mingle, as I don't like the being in those situations where lots of people are there and one 'has to' speak to others, much rather it happened by chance I guess, but thats my issue and i need to work on it. It seems so easy for many others but I'm sure lots also in my position. Doesn't make us horrible, boring etc, just 'damaged' I guess.

update
am feeling like shte tonight and I can't shake it - feeling disconnected from everyone and everything - feeling alone. hello is there anybody out there? yes I know there are  i'm just not connected right now. Slipped into the darkness within myself I think. Bring me light. Depress-ed. Expand, expand, slowly slowly. Will I ever get there? Sleep is still bad, have to keep lying down and go to sleep but don't always get to sleep.

Sometimes I think I know things then I don't know them. I'm so tired of all of this. Patience.

Am I repelling or attracting?

10 July 2017
Have been waking up with headaches a lot this week and feeling really tired - it may be the weather - hopefully it is and I don't need to go see GP again. Feeling like most of my energy has drained  away from me and i want it back [give it back whoever has taken it] am still meditating everday and it helps with reliefing the tension within my body - i focus [imagine the body parts in my mind] that i feel pain/tension and instruct [my brain/mind] to let go of the tensions/pain/fear and it seems to work - for a while, till the tension comes back again later on. I think though the teeth guard dentist had made for me is helping ease the pain in shoulders/neck a bit, which is positive.

11 July 2017
I was listening to a guided meditation video on you tube - its a hr long but I stopped at  20 minutes I think as I really needed to write down what I was experiencing. It wasn't the usual meditation video I listen to, it was to do with being in space amoungst the stars and has music to go with it and a nice voice saying stuff at intervals about returning home, being safe, atomic level, everything that has ever been and ever will be is there. Letting go of thoughts and worries and expectations.

I found myself putting up some resistence as I didn't feel I was ready for the experience - its a tall order and I have to take things slowly. I felt worried about losing connections with my heart and brain as how can I actually have the feeling sensation in order  to really experience the universe if I can't connect to the part sof me that enables me to feel things ie brain, mind, electrical chemical connections inside my body and my heart, the organ that pumps blood around my body and which gives me life. As I see it to expand and become one with the universe I would have to somehow control the magnetic field around the atoms that forms things so I expanded by extending the axoms to the major parts.

I couldn't open my eyes to look at all the stars its just too bright. Fear, holding on to fear.

I was with him back in time and he was sitting on chair left hand palm upwards. I kneel down in front of him and In a gentle voice I say close your eyes, don't be afraid, breath deeply, etc etc, let go of the fear, then I remember my hand positioned slighty above his, and my palm touches his, feel the energy flow through you, from me to you, from you to me, I touch his wrist with my fingertips, feel me, let go.

 I'm not afraid anymore. I will help you, guide you.

But I am afraid. I am petrfied. I am frozen. I am trying to thaw because he is worth it. I will change you will change, change isn't a bad thing.

This is what I feel.

12 July 2017
Am I talking a load of bolix again - who knows? I ain't bothered.

update
Managed somehow to see 3 actual pictures/objects in my mind when meditating, [with eyes closed] I can't remember though if I fell asleep as its usually when I am near sleep that I can sometimes see the object and its usually only one with no background or foreground. By pictures I mean a clear picture of a face [usually a face but not always sometimes a persons whole body]  in my mind as oposed to something you imagine in your mind and can sort of hazily see/imagine it but its not like an actual photo. This is exciting progress I think.

Recieved letter from TAP with confirmation of my assessment appointment end of week.

14 July 2017
My moods seem to be stabilizing a bit more from before when at first  I never knew how I would be feeling as it kept changing from one day to the next and throughout the day/night, to every other day, now its a bit longer  and seems more back to 'normal' but I'm so tired at times and physically feel like things inside have slowed me down, have zapped my energy [more so than usual]

Have not been feeling so weird of late when I am outside, which is progress - at its worst I couldn't even make it to the high st nearby and back without the tension rising and then having to hold on until I got back inside before the tears came again.

update
saw pyschotherapist for assessment - go back again in 3 weeks for another then its about 6-7 month wait.

Bit despaired at such a long wait - in all 8/9 or longer on NHS. So many people in this position. Non urgent treatments are supposed to have  a maximum of 18 weeks waiting time - 4 months and 2 weeks.

update
felt a bit high as well, some senses heightened. Wonders sometimes if when I feel connected [connected to what exactly i don't know] any other being is feeling connected to me.
 Sometimes when I need to feel a postive connection [because the connection feeling comes and go's]it isn't there, I'm not picking it up and it can be a wretched feeling. Others times when a connection is made it can feel magical.

Spiritual connection. Senses awakening. Its scary as well. Bonds formed that can't be easily broken.
With love always.

17 July 2017
Feeling like shte physically all day, having to keep lying down and then waiting until I feel better to gte back up and then the feeling likes shte again. Its inside my gut/stomach/intestines area. Something doesn't feel right, I hope its not ongoing. Not felt right in this area on and off for couple of weeks. Going for soak in bath and hope it helps.

18/19 July 2017
haven't felt to bad through out the day and night. has been thunder and lightening and rain. energy. In my mind I  could stand outside in it and hold my arms up and out and feel it, connect with it, making me stronger, better or just sit here near open window and feel it. Then I felt connected to myself, then i felt the cool breeze come through the open window and brush again my skin, it felt good. 

was asked if I felt isolated and I said no I don't which seemed to surprise the person. I don't feel isolated but at times I do feel disconnected/alone and its not a nice feeling- like connections have been turned off. I must be patient, I must take it slow. I hear the thunder again outside, rumbling, pressure building up, energy - but does it erode?

Update
not feeling so great - from bored, to I don't know, to physically unwell, to not wanting to be here. Thinking about what woman said as she sounded surprised that I said I didn't feel isolated. Well i don't not in the sense that I'm shipwretched on a dessertted island and theres no one else around.. Theres plenty of people/beings around heither and dither, its just I don't always feel connected when I need to, and then when I do developing deeper connections.  Is that the same as feeling isolated? maybe it does. Oh well she gave me something to think about anyway. Its not comfortable though. I want to scream. feeling needy. like the need for deep connection will never be met.

I wondered whether it was a physical thing - touching, hugging, that sort of thing but I don't know, feels more spiritual a lot of the time. This is horrible. I haven't the energy to do much today, hope I feel better late on tomorrow as I wanted to go to meeting - I know me being sociable, well sort of.

22 July 2017
felt really tired yesrday after waking up after the longer period of sleeping [think its up to 4/5 hrs now without waking up, which could be worse] but had to keep going back to bed to sleep again [usually woke up after an hr].

 Feel like I'm losing faith and I have come to a halt with the meditation and don't really know what I'm doing. I get impatient I guess. Will have have to find a guided mediation that I can really feel something happening when I listen to it. Its like I felt so much, been on a few journeys and now they are slipping away from me and want it back.  I think what person said about feeling isolated has triggered something in me - that I will have to wait months and months to start treatment for so I will have to try and do it myself and hope I can get through this. Oh magic wand come and wave yourself over me. Weary, tired. Scream.

25 July 2017
Have felt bad last few days - the disconnection thing, the tiredness, sleeping still not great. I have to try and get to a park with not so many people around - the forrest - the coast, lakes, animals, creatures, I need to feel/see them close by, the space, the magic, need to feel at peace with meself and maybe then I will feel properly connected to some others and not this on and off and off thing.  I don't even like humans generally speaking, but know there are good ones, I need a few of them, the right ones and they need me - kindred souls. Maybe we just haven't met yet, or are so blocked we can't connect properly.

Its a spirtual thing, it has to be, like a sci fi film, like ET needing to go home.
 One day I will escape from the chains that hold me back and then ..........


26 July 2017
Was a good day today in regards to mood plus was a good day for connections with a few beings on my way to get supplies and coming back - 3 people and 2 dogs, lots of trees and I keep wanting to hug one but can't do it as am a bit shy doing it if people can see me - I know I shouldn't give a 4X what people think, but for some reason I do in some situtions - anyway next time I hug a tree I want to do it without feeling ackward and give it a proper hug and try and see if I can sense anything from it. I love you.

28 July 2017
I think some/many people including myself need lessons on How to Love. I don't mean loving everybody, for many [including myself] thats a very tall order [impossible even] but people/beings in your life who mean something, but its not always easy, baggage and all that, can be very scary, but i'm personally trying to get there. Learning to love myself [not in an egoist way] is a big struggle but I am trying, but its a slow thing after many many years of hate and fear.

How to Love: Legendary Zen Buddhist Teacher Thich Nhat Hanh on Mastering the Art of “Interbeing” HERE

29 July 2017
I hugged 2 tree's today whilst going with my cat for a bit of a walk earlier morning as the sun was starting to rise up and down a few nearby streets, the wind was up as well and it felt good- find I really enjoy these walks with my cat and Jack seems to enjoy them bless him - he helps me and I help him[I hope] as he can be a bit nervous. seen the same cat again who was following Jack - this time the cat ran up to jack as we turned a corner and I was standing there and cat stopped in his tracks and turned the over way as busy doing something else I laughed - cheeky little rascal, and Jack in his ready for action pose. Cats can be so funny. The trees and bushes and plants in front gardens and streets are so lovely. Jack looking at me like thinking 'what the feck is she doing' when I hugged the trees hahaha. I still miss Jacks sister Bonny bless her.

30 July 2017
I haven't been feeling too bad the last 3 days, then I was having a shower, the pain struck me,  almost as soon as I started showering with the at first hotish water on my shoulders, pain points, then as the water was cooler for washing. A scream, came from my mouth but it was a quiet scream [can't have the neighbours hearing my screams can I] and the deep pain still within me showed itself again. The lose.

The person said something about me believing I fell in love, and I immediately said "I did fall in love" [as opposed to believing I did but it wasn't real, as I sometimes think some others believe] and she didn't push it and I didn't elaborate on it, but did mention later on that I missed XX.

Well some may ask - if XX also fell in love - with you - why hasn't anything come of it? have you not read and taken in any of what I've previously written?

No - thing  is going to take this away from. It was given to me - freely - because it was safe to do so. I was wrong about being wrong about the safe feeling - I was safe, so was XX. Better with me I guess then someone who could never understand. Better with you then someone who .......

I see more and more. If not being in person with XX is the price I have to pay, then I shall pay it. I have no choice.
Am I being rational?

Thank you for being open. No thank you.


5 August 2017
Felt flat the other day then next day a bit down and slept a lot on and off for a couple of hours at a time. Still feel  a bit down today. After now having had the  2 part assessment with TAP I have been referred to see one of their psychiatrists [in a few weeks time] for a diagnosis and whatever after that. They haven't as yet put me on their waiting list for psychotherapy.


6 Aug 2017
slept for 5 hrs without waking up - thats the longest now, its progress of sorts.

7 August 2017
I am reading through a Case Review of the suicide of a 15 y/o male child named Child F. Its a hard read and has brought up lots of empathy towards this child - who was severely sexualy abused from a very very young age up until around 6 yrs. He didn't stand a chance really. Given only limited theraptic help ie art therapy.


8 Aug  2017
still feeling flat. am not feeling much though theres still some feelings there that have been evoked ie anger and empathy  - generally not up or down just in the middle where even meditation doesn't do much for me.  Tired though a lot of the time and on a positive have had 2 times when I slept 5/6 hrs without waking up.


10 August 2017
I felt bored today and then started thinking that I wanted to get into some work that pays but I'm at a loss at what I could do - with my history - then I was thinking I am going to sign up for one or even 2 of the courses at the Camden Recovery College HERE. I really need to keep moving forward. I have come so far is managing the mini breakdown thing and know I am stronger than I thought I was, and I want to start really working on other issues I have. I really must do the RC course though and will  register when it opens on 21 Aug 2017 for registration. I have to do this and no more of letting the thoughts and feelings that keep me from doing it, get the upper hand. I can do this. Contact with my family is practically nil now - none have contacted me to ask how I am or anything and I'm not really sure if I care that much.I haven't contacted them either.I know I said I would ask for help if I needed it but come on asking how I am every now and the is too much for them I think, and maybe its the same with me as well. Its a mess. Works both ways. I don't really know them and they don't really know me. I don't really know what to do about it as it does bother me to a degree but I can't think of a happy solution.


13 August 2017
Brother called me about my b/d and bringing some cards up. Had a small chat then goodbyes. I really don't know what to do about family relationhips  - they will have to be put on hold whilst I try and sort out other things to try and get 'better'.

Did the guided  meditation thing recently and its so hard the trying to control thoughts thing or even trying to concerntrate on one thing ie the music/voice or ones breathing.  At times I think I've managed the control thing a little better then when I first started, but its so hard and can be frustrating, but I will carry on with it as I now start to need to do it.

Am starting to have body reactions sometimes when meditating where without me thinking about it [at least I think I'm not thinking about it] I feel my body moving about [as in not being still when meditating] I have been going with it and its sort of amazing but I don't if I'm doing the right thing, but its about learning [even from mistakes] and progressing, slowly, patiently, belief, confidence. Sometimes I get this amazing feeling, very fleeting feeling when I have managed to totally clear my mind for a very short time but I can't right now describe or even remember the feeling. Its like if I could keep with the feeling by keeping with the clearing, something magical may happen.

Not so long ago I saw in my mind my face, it was a reasonably clearish picture, not a big picture but from a distance [and no background or anything else] and I remember when I first saw it I was repelled by the ugly thing before me then my face changed a few times into a beautiful face and I was more comfortable with that. Weird eh. Not that I am vain or anything, quite the opposite at times, but this to me was a positive sign.


15 August 2017
Had a bad day yestrday and really bad night but after managing to get about 5/6 hrs without waking up and then a couple of hrs after that I feel better this evening but who knows how I will be later on.


16 August 2017
birthday came and went and the whats become the  usual emotional disturbances that lead up to them and other such dates and celebrations. I don't do celebrations, really I don't. Rituals, paying homage, I stopped with them when I decided years ago that I would no longer do the easter thing [being ex catholic] then when that was out of the way came no longer doing the xmas thing. How liberating not to conform to such bs anymore. My own personal revolution, no fanfares, just doing.

I think things started years before then. For so many years I didn't even know myself or others only that some things weren't as they should be and pain and confusion and feeling powerless.

I have come home -  to what I am destined to become.

17 Aug 2017
dwp have stopped my benefit payment again without  letting me know before hand or even why.  I haven't had the re-assessment yet. Its lucky I have small savings otherwise I would be fcuked. They did this a few times last year - excuse given about me having moved when I hadn't,  then they did it again but I don't know what the excuse was that time as advisor at JCP helped me out with it and she couldn't even get to speak to manager at the other end - it was done their end.

Former advisor I had wasn't too bad and helped me a bit with such things whilst some of the JCP people aren't very helpful, but I was lucky with this advisor which I did appreciate. I will go down JCP again and try and get it sorted out. Things like this can be very trying and testing of people who have problems, I wish they would understand this and show some empathy and stop the 'just following orders' marlarky. For many this is their only income - a degree of security - what litlle some now get and they still try to pull the rug right from under your feet.They can be very cruel at times. It really is sink or swim. I know lots of people don't care about such things I am not deluded about that.

Polishing up my DWP battle armour - again - which reminds me the DWP haven't replied yet to my Mandatory Reconsideration of  their decision to stop the megre dla I was getting. I already had to go to the Tribunal late last year before I even got to have an assessment because  according to atos I hadn't turned up for it when I had and hadn't given a good enough reason-  me and another bloke were sent away because of claimed staff shortage. I informed the dwp twice of what happened and they still stopped my dla and wouldn't transfer me to PIP. serious swearing can occur when treated with such contempt on behalf of the gov. I won the Tribunal hearing but the whole thing was exhausting and right now I'm struggling with chasing them up about the PIP MR what with other things going on and most of my energy still being used on recovery from the breakdown thing and physical problems.

Am feeling tense as the night draws on and will meditate later and then try and get some sleep afterwards before day break, if  I can.


25 Aug 2017
felt  high then low then high again then quite high then slept a lot  on and off and don't know how I feel now but its a nice day outside. Thankfully I don't go too low or high and not for long periods - could be the anti-depressants and weed stops the extremes, who knows.
ran into old 'friend' and we chatted a bit and who unusually hugged me when I was going and I think i hugged back. Not sure what to make of this encounter.
Not sure what to make of another situation I've got myself in as its a bit surreal/crazy but considering what Ive experienced these last 7 months 'crazy' could become my new norm.


29 Aug 2017
will have to chase up the tavi as word about P appointment hasn't arrived yet and I was told 2/3 weeks and its past that now.


30 Aug 2017
The crazy thing that happened recently ...... was me being offered financial .....
My neck is hurting, tension.

1 Sept 2017
I got there in the end - managed to enrol at the RC for one of their longer courses [6 sessions] - its further away then I would have liked [they don't say on course guide where venues are until you enrol - because people not enrolled turn up at the courses apparently] but I'll give it a go.

update
some reading before attempting snooze time HERE - i shouldnt really as i get over excited and want to soak it all up at once but i can't.  Magnetism and electricity are always connected. arrggg i better stop soon and wind down with a journey amongst the stars guided meditation. I feel high [not too high though] right now and its great. Bring it on.

update
Can't sleep yet and getting over tired. Soon, soon.
This is a sweet story I think: The Heart and the Bottle HERE
 
2 Sept 2017
up and down up and down, tired. I feel the pain again, fear, the love again, acceptance. I am still connected. thinking.

update
managed to get some sleep though woke up at 2 and 3 hrs and didn't feel too bad when I got up but after a few hrs the tiredness is creeping up on me again. I couldn't switch my brain off, got over tired and then the ups and downs. I know its not doing me any good and i'm not sure if i know how to get the sleep back to a normal level. lots more to work on I think. 

Sleep was getting longer but the recent crazy thing and how it ended has upset me I guess. It ties into the mini breakdown thing.

4 Sept 2017
am overtired again due to noise from neighbours when I was nearly getting there and the pain comes up again, and I have to try and talk myself through it, write it down, get rid of it somehow because I ain't staying silent, I can't, with it seeping deeper and deeper into my body trying to destroy me again. Deep breaths, I can do this. I am not alone but I am on my own with this and until I recognise this say it out loud and then feel and see the spirit arms spread out like wings and wrap themselves around me and let me know it will be okay. It will be okay. This is so fcuked up. There was a connection there but it was so confusing to me - like in some ways I had become trapped again but it was nice as well, comforting, I could feel it, sense it. I needed more time to work it out but I wasn't allowed that.

5 Sept 2017
After yesterdays horrible day of over tiredness and not being able to sleep I managed to get 3 of 3hrs sleep which isn't great but feels a lot better then yesterday. Am still feeling tired though - can feel it in my eyes [feeling strained] and energy level in my body.

6 Sept 2017
sleeping a lot but still waking up every 3 hrs and its annoying me now and am now feeling a bit depressed  -this latest episode/drama has set me back a bit and its like all that I have learnt over the last 10 months really hasn't amounted to much.

update
What a day emotions changing, depressed, sorry, guilty, angry, hopeless, then fcuk it bring it on you bastrads Im still fighting for my life and I ain't ready to give up yet.I keep forgetting that just because someone may be going through hard times or been through them doesn't mean they understand the same struggle in others. Sometimes I even forget it myself.


7 Sept 2017
can't sleep again and feeling over tired and the upset has come up again and I'm tearful but I know its the over tiredness and that I will be okay once Ive had some sleep. I will be ok.


8 Sept 2017
Regulating ones emotions - easier said then done.

DWP sent me a letter about my entitlement to wrag esa and whatever, no mention of the due assessment, - mention of 2 payments they made - [but not all the payments last I checked] only because I phoned them up about them stopping them without informing me, or any reason I can think of that is in line with 'following the rules'. I will have to go to JCP again. Letters that aren't always clear about what is going on. Is it too much to ask for clarity? an email contact even? shall we flip a coin about it?

Had another one of those leaflets through main door about the NHS on-line talking therapy service in Camden. Its at https://uk.iesohealth.com/our-service/why-use-written-conversation/ and its the CBT again which I already had last year and which at the time I wasn't paying that much attention to as I wasn't having CBT because I wanted it but because I felt I had to because of the government and fear of losing my meagre dwp benefits if i didn't - yes i have complied but which I wasn't that clear on and you are pretty much left to get on with things after a short while. Thats all great and I have been getting on with things, trying to help myself best i can but I think I also need to talk about things with a professional, as in weekly sessions which is proving a lot harder to get than it used to be considering how much easier it is to get treatment for physical problems and which I am greatful for the treatment [bar the connect health episode] I have been getting.


10 Sept 2017
Still waking up every 2/3 hrs - sleeping was getting longer before I got bannished again to the naughty chair thing happened. I don't think he knew what exactly he was offering when he offered it,[everything and nothing]and we clashed big time and so the story ends.

Like i said it did upset me and still does a little [disconnected our connection]  because I am still trying to recover from the hadron collider thing [he is connected to it in a way] and trying to get some professional help with what it was all about and try and fix it.

Interesting case study I think if one is into that sort of thing.

 And he reckons he wasn't old enough when thatcher got into power [1979] to vote but he remembers her snatching his milk, which would make him still at primary school in 1979. ffs and who believes this nonsense? 

How did I fall into this one, oh yeah I felt drawn towards him because he reminded me [in some ways] of someone I fell in love with and then worked his way up to being more daring with what he said to me in public, in front of others- reeling me in. Wow. Smooth. Mr lover, lover laffin @veniviedivici

Like I said crazy stuff happening is becoming my norm and crazy angry people who turn on ya like mad dogs can fcuk the fuck off. 

12 Sept 2017
Don't feel too bad today after yesterdays tension[neck/shoulder]  filled day and night of not being able to sleep for about 23hrs and then getting 3 hrs and not feeling too bad on it. This will settle down at some point soonish [I hope].

Whilst meditating I remembered the love and it flowed within me around my heart. I can feel it now thinking about it. It reaches my eyes and they see so much, yet unsure of what is seen. If anything I am blessed to have experienced this and it that which I am holding onto and never letting go of. Thank you.

15 Sept 2017
Have my WCA assessment soon. Went to RC session 1 of course which I quite enjoyed - 5 more to go. There was more people there than I expected.
Still not sleeping longer than 3 hrs without waking up.

17 Sept 2017
 Feel like I have had another emotional upheavel and it is still upsetting/unsettling me but I am working on it and won't let it keep me down.
Generally haven't felt so great since the being banished in anger thing happened. I am swinging between feeling I did something wrong and feeling sorry for laffin  then thinking fook him I didn't say anything bad.

Anyway I am getting there in letting it go and its not like I am in love with him or anything like that is just that it was a connection I valued  in some ways and it has been disconnected and it has brought up various feelings and questions.

I have also been feeling like I am in limbo and I don't know what follows this phase - its like I hope that the journey has a flow that can't/won't be stopped and only a giant dam will do that and seeing as the giant dam that was there has already been broken down and out flowed  crashed, banged, violent, fast, urgent, what was being held back, then what else is there but for the flow to carry on its journey.

Update
had a very testing time earlier on with a relative and I failed in some ways. No excuses. I was put in the position where my space was to be invaded for quite some hours and it really annoyed me as it is something i do have an issue with and I couldn't hide my annoyance and after a while person went off in a huff and wouldn't come back. Again for some reason I thought person could handle it but not so. Then later on i thought of my deceased mother and how she could also make you feel unwelcome if imposed upon in a way she didn't like and it could be hurtful if in a vulnerable emotional state.


19 Sept 2017
Thing with relative has been resolved. sleeping is still a mess and am trying to get it back to a more normal [for me] routine [meditation and instructing my brain] but its proving hard to do and I don't want to go to GP and ask about sleeping pills as I don't want to use them. when i am overtired it feels like i am high in someway [more talkative, hyper aroused] as well as tired but i can't feel which part of my brain the high is coming from [for example if normally high I can feel it in my mind, in my eyes]

21 Sept 2017
Didn't feel too bad un till a few hours ago then felt very needy, like all connections had been severed and its such a horrible feeling and sometimes there really is no one who will reach out their hand to you and you just have to grin and bare it until it passes. It will pass as I've been here before, many times but till then i am heavy with feelings so wretched I want to die to escape them.

The last time I felt like this I mentioned such like on twitter and someone did reach out their hand to me and I welcomed it as I felt strongly drawn to the person and it felt comforting. What a huge mistake that turned out to be for both of us. The blind leading the blind.

Anyway, I don't cry so much these days as I used to when the dam first burst open due to the falling in love thing happening. Its not even like we where dating or anything.

Falling in love can break down ones defences - and in my case every pain and heartache came rushing out like it wanted to kill me, tear me apart and leave me for dead.

Then I start feeling drawn to someone on twitter who reminded me in some ways of XX and I get sucked in again and then he makes me a stupid crazy offer that even he didn't know what it actually was and that I dared question and then I get bannished - again - in anger and I am left feeling like shte. I getting good at this aint I? [being sarky].

I do feel angry and hurt, most times though its below the surface but I can feel it there, but I don't like anger, its ugly and I try not to let it consume me, not to hit out but then not to let in go inwards and cause me further tension. I have to channel it to where it won't cause me permanent harm. Talking about it with said person would have helped but thats not going to happen so I will have to find other ways.

Another test. How many more?

I think I'm more attracted to and attract wounded souls which can be a problem [not always] and not a very healthy place to be, but how can I not be? I need a few deep connections yet I fear them greatly, like they will break me down and I will never get up and there will be no one to help me, the person looking down at me like I am nothing. I will lye  there in agony and I will die knowing my existance has been a waste. The deepest intimacy was falling in love andlook what happened.

How can something so beautiful be so cruel?

I don't know if I can pass this test. Yet I know other wounded souls and I can feel them and I want to comfort them but I can't do much, I know what they feel yet its so hard. Sometimes they are robots, they don't have feelings, we are not kins. I must find my kins and they must know that I love them, and I must know they love me.

How did I come to this? writing all this love, pain bolix on here? I have no shame it left me a while ago.But I do have shame. See what i mean?

23 Sept 2017

I don't feel like this every minute of every hour or even everyday but it creeps up at times when I am at my most vulnerable I guess and it tries to consume me and sometimes it does for a while but I don't know how to fight it, or maybe its about understanding it better and letting destiny take its course. A natural flow, a clensing river that flows along and sometimes meets rocks etc it has to flow over or around to continue on its way.

24 Sept 2017
Shaved my hair today, number 4 - feels liberating and arggg what have I done. It will grow back quick enough - have to find a hat to wear for a few weeks when out till then as its so short. so much easier to wash and condition. Dare i be brave and go out without a hat? maybe maybe we shall see.

update
decided i must wear a hat for a few weeks at least as I look like a convict and I think too many people will stare at me and I couldn't handle that.

worked on some stuff i need more work on and the tears came.


25 Sept 2017
Saw P today. I didn't agree with diagnosis and said I would challenge it, which i did a bit at the meeting and will do so further.


27 Sept 2017
Had my ESA WCA assessment today. Will have to wait a few weeks for word from the DWP on what the results are.

28 Sept 2017
I won't let the recent shock keep me down, if anything I will learn from it. I can feel the love flowing within me and though I have a long way to go and much to learn I will get there. Believe. Patience.

update
not a bad day in regards to how I have been feeling, quite high, lifted, confident, but am feeling a bit anxious now as I can't help thinking that something bad is going to happen again and my resilence is going to be tested again, overload, overload. Short circuiting.

So many stresses about everyday living for many people, input and output, processing things, emotions, feelings, senses. mis-information, contradictory information. What is my truth and what is your truth. Computer malfunction. The matrix. Ying and Yang.

1 Oct 2017
haven't been able to do much - sleeping a lot on and off. still only getting 3 hrs sleep at most before waking.  just got up [again] and am so tired again.

3 Oct 2017
another battle, seems to be lots of them these last few years. will mediate later but feel stuck, like wft is it i'm actually supposed to get out of this - ok it helps a bit with some of the tension in neck/shoulders but it doesn't last and the tension keeps coming back.
Am tired of trying to be positive about things and trying to believe in things that may or maybe exist.

Mindfulness. Ha. Is the outside and inside supposed to merge into one? what if I don't want to merge with some of the things on the outside -  what if i don't want to be connected to everything?

What if there really is nothing except what our minds think there is? which I don't believe as lots of things are real that many see and know - mass perception - mass  delusion?

5 Oct 2017
I have another appointment to see P.

10 Oct 2017
mood has been a bit flat of late, not feeling much and sleeping a lot but still waking every 2/3 hours. neck hurts.

12 Oct 2017
the problem with the noise where I live is getting bad again. I hate having such close by neighbours at times [above and below me]. They both take the P at times. Am trying not to let them get me down but its hard at times particularly the noise from flat above

15 Oct 2017
Slept a lot on and off for around 19 hrs and have been having lots of dreams I remember [not all of the dream/s but seemingly salient points].Latest dream to do with being on train to go to airport to the USA [maybe to do with ex-b/f] - lots of people swimming alongside the train [for the exerise before the long flight] and I started to cheer them on then lots of people waiting at the finish for the swimmers. The rest is a bit hazy.

other previous dream - lion mosiac in a cleared patch in a garden/grass area - shoes, 2 pregant women, one to abort, the other was eastenders actress.

- no longer being welcome at the threaputic residential home I keep going to back to in my dreams [a resident didn't want me there and worker wouldn't give me key to room] - family member was outside and I was walking along with him telling him about what happened.

Was feeling a bit upset earlier about having drifted away from my sisters - the drift isn't to do with anything bad that happened, its me mainly I think, drifting away because......... thats what i do i guess.

I expect tangible things to happen when meditating so have stopped with the expectations and just do it, though haven't been meditating for long periods as I used to - maybe I don't need to anymore, I don't know. I've gotten to a point when meditating where I just stop trying so hard and let things be and let the stillness/quietness come naturally but it doesn't last for more than a second if that but in that moment it feels like something inside my mind is going to experience something significent - I still can't describe it properly for some reason other than its like a cloudlike formation in my mind.

17 Oct 2017
Went to see P again hoping that P had maybe had a rethink of diagnois but P didn't so for now the diagnosis stays which I'm not happy about but for now can't do much about.

I tried to put forward an argument but I hadn't researched it enough to do so confidently. I quite liked P as P did seem nice but I still disagree with diagnosis for various reasons and will like I said put a note along side P's letter to my GP and will at some point ask for a second opinion from another P at place I am being referred to.

I know i'm not a professional or anything like that in the field [or any field come to think of it] but how P came to the conclusion seemed to me to be based on a narrow point of view or criteria as seems to be the case.  I also think that P came to conclusion based on some assumptions put forward as facts. What a eye opener.  To be clear the P is a Freudian Psychoanalysist Psychiatrist and I think a little of Jung thrown in but I'm so clear about that.

Can't do much right now as since first meeting with P I have been 'out of sorts' or whatever and I need to get fired up again so it will be slow going for a while.

Will also try the medication suggested to see if it helps with my sleep and moods. At the moment have been trying to get my head around the diagnosis and what it means to me and why it has upset me. I need to do some serious thinking [and research] which I haven't been doing a great deal of lately compared to when the Thing happened and it sent my brain into thinking [and researching] like I had never done before and where at one point I could actually feel my brain firing up. The journey, the experience. The learning.


18 Oct 2017
Have managed to sleep for about 5 hrs these last 2 nights without waking up which is the longest for a while. I wish I knew what was going on in my subconscious and I wish I had more energy.

I've started to feel more connected/drawn to someone on twitter and at times let my imagination get the better of me [which in itself isn't a problem] but I think I have control of it to feel/know when I need to 'get a grip'. I wonder if lots of people go through the same thing - i imagine so and it can be exciting at times as well as painful.

The control thing again, why must we seek to control everything? Personally I don't mind not having control of many things, not being in control of many things but some things need to be controlled, and others let run free. Feel who you are and don't keep running from it - can be good and bad - can cause harm or create beauty. Odd how sometimes its like I can see so much yet know so little.

For a while I thought I had lost touch with the spiritual - I couldn't feel it as intensely as before but its still with me, and the longing to connect and stay connected with my kin however it may be will aways be with me. Sometimes living out ones life in ones head is the only option.

19 oct 2017
I wonder if it was my father I had/have an unresolved  issue with and not so much my mother. Both dead now. When i found out M was dying I forgave her for all or imagined wrongs and even told her I loved her but she didn't reply which was okay because I know in her way she loved all 5 of us. Her mother died when she was very young and I dont know much about her - only her brother still alive [as far I am aware]. 2 brothers and I think 3/4 sisters.

In regards to F, apparently I was very close to him at one time when little but we drifted apart and as an adult the distance only got further and further so when he died it didn't really mean much to me  or maybe it did I don't know.

I felt again as if I have taken on the pain of some others or at least could feel their pain and I wished I could ease this for them, take it all on and off them but I don't know if I am brave/strong enough to do that only that sometimes its like a caged wounded thing is inside of me trying to claw its way out of this body and be free.

update
I don't really know what is happening to me and it feels like I am moving along trying to figure things out and sometimes I am filled with energy which feels like a warm glow inside of me [around my heart/gut and my eyes] but I don't know how to draw it out, to nurture it, understand it, but I am trying to understand and I do a little bit.

I'm glad you stayed Mr Jingles.

20 Oct 2017
Some good news for a change from the DWP - I have been put in the ESA support group which is a relief. I wasn't expecting it - at best was expecting still being in the wrag [limited capacity for work] and at worst being found fit for work and put on JSA. Thank you.

22 Oct 2017
Feel upset again about the diagnosis and not sure I want to take the suggested medication but I may not have much choice. Very tired the last few days, body feels like it has gone to sleep while I'm awake and makes physical things very hard to do so really have to force myself to do stuff. Been thinking about XX and acknowleded I'm stll not 100% over this but its a lot better than it was so at least thats something. I wrap my 'spirit wings' around XX as an invisible shield to keep him safe.  I will be okay this will pass. Am I an embarassment? haha. I wrap my wings around some others as well to [try to] keep them safe. Connect, connections, feel them.

Wow I feel a bit more lifted just writing this - love really is a mighty force and with each action there is a re-action.

update
left shoulder has been hurting a lot of day/night I must be tense about something but don't know what it is - the intrusive noise from tenant above doesn't help - same old same old. More drugs please then I probably won't give a 4xxx and won't feel a thing...... but I want to feel lots of things. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. One day I will fly away.

25 Oct 2017
Was meditating earlier and out of the blue the area on the [metaparasal bones] sole of my left foot that has been giving me the problem started to throb.  I could feel the nerves pounding, screaming for attention so I imagined the area in my mind and instructed the neuro transmitters to stop sending messages of pain to the area - and after a few repetations of this it worked - no more pain there.

However, it didn't last though when I got up and went about my business.

26 Oct 2017
I seem to be having attachment problems with someone on twitter I started to feel more drawn to. Twice its happened. I feel pain, aching pain inside and it has reduced me to tears. I've had to log off twitter until I can get a grip on this and work it through a bit.

Last night I felt like I was feeling the persons pain, deep pain and that my heart would break now I'm feeling my pain and I don't know why it hurts so much, where I am, what point in time I am in. Bonds, unbreakable made across time and space. My pain is your pain, your pain is my pain. a river flowing.

I felt love and it filled me up and then the pain comes and its like I can't get break through the barrier around me, can't connect properly without the pain.

update
had a shower, and more tears, saying things out loud, working on it a bit and I don't feel to bad now.

update
I think i'm in the third phase of the 'thing' and I am afraid as well as excited. I will deal with whatever I need to deal with and I will keep moving foreward. No hurry. I feel the love.

28 Oct 2017
Think at times that I would like to give up smoking weed, or at least cut it down to a few days a week but I can't. Give up smoking tobacco and weed but can't do either yet. I'm not stoned all the time like totally out of my head, its not like that mostly, usually just to take the edge off and sometimes I do feel high or even at times spaced out but ...... am I kidding myself? I don't feel i have the will power/strength to do it now what with everything else i've had to battle with, its too much. I remember not so long ago a GP actually 'told me off' and said something about me going about spaced out all the time or something. well excuse me for being a fcuk up - it could be worse.

31 Oct 2017
Person I started to feel more drawn to also interracted with me for a short while and it was nice but now person has withdrawn and at times I have felt a lot of pain because of this. Think the love 'thing' has brought to the fore the attachment 'problem' I have. At one point it felt like I had taken on this persons pain. I felt such compassion, empathy of wanting to help and now a wall has gone up and i don't really know what to do with someone who won't let you through on any meaningful level. I am trying to not crowd the person, not put pressure on, still be there but at the distance they want but its hard for me as it brings up my issues.

Also though I felt a relief when DWP recently informed me of being put in the support group I feel in limbo again about it - like but happens now - oh yeah the day centre thing I am being referred to that who know how long the wait and the treatment isn't for that long.

Have been feeling more depressed of late, more thoughts of why am bothering with all this meditation, mindful etc when it feels like I've not progressed at all with trying to get myself a life.

Feeling fat, ugly etc etc. Sleeping still bad. Sleep a lot on and off for about 18 hours. Tearful at times and crying.

update
sleep on and off fore more than 18 hours plus everytime I woke up a had a head ache.
feel like shte now, the depression keeps coming at me, though it doesn't keep me down its still such a horrible feeling. 

4 Nov 2017
Feel a bit better now but can't sleep more than 2hrs without waking up and then haven't been able to get back to sleep. Feeling knackered at moment after 2 failed attempts at trying to get some more sleep. I need to get my sleep pattern back as this is doing my head in.

Was thinking that its my emotional moods that are upsetting my sleeping.

3 weeks now and still waiting from word from P or GP about my diagnosis and seeing GP about the new meds - will have to chase it up. Will ask GP for a few sleeping pills so I can at least get a few good nights sleep without keep waking up. I don't want to have to reply on them but I'm struggling a lot with my sleep.

7 Nov 2017
still working on the attachment issues and why some cause me some much pain, fear, etc etc and trying to let go of the fear but realise my self esteem is still low with some issues. Trying not to take the more recent rejection to heart but it does hurt at times despite me trying to be understanding, telling myself its not a reflection on me etc etc.Its life ain't it-knockbacks, rejections as well as good things, affirmitations,  and its how you handle them.

fireworks still being let off - its supposed to be 1 night not 2, 3, 4 or more/

10 Nov 2017
I have found myself in a situation again where I am battling with thoughts, emotions/feelings/senses in regards to another person on twitter.
since the 'love thing' happened this is the second time this has happened on twitter. I even felt that I believed in this person, that something wasn't as it seemed and I was being pulled into it. Doesn't mean though I believe everything person says or believe in everything person believes in. It brings up things in me I still need to sort out. I even felt love towards this person.

I feel this connection and it excites me and it scares me, Like 2 minds connecting. its a dance, like ghostly spirits floating next to one another, then away. the pain. the pleasure.
Will it end in sorrow? I am anticipating it will, but hoping it won't. Why can't I know for sure?

Do I scare you? do you scare me?

update
had to go out again and I hated it - i felt like I was going to break down and scream and by the time I neared 'home' again I thought of myself breaking down into a heap on the floor and everyone walking past me and I was nothing. I am nothing.xx. The tears. I am nothing. But I have to keep telling myself I am something, I am worth it, I am loved and I love. Love will win. Thank you for being open. Its times like this that I feel very alone, not lonely, not isolated, alone.

I think many/most people are afraid of others pain afraid of their joy, of being part of it. Cowards? they see themselves in it and are recoiled.

Earlier I thought that I would have like dto have asked my birth mother why she cheated on my dna father with his best mate and had a child with him. we never spoke about these things, I can'r remember if I even thought about them.  Was the marriage a bad one, was she not content with him? lots of things I don't know. Why did you screw his best mate and have a child with him and then they break up and she moves the bloke in. and then he goes. then its another married man and another married man she is 'getting intimate with'. I don't want to see them shagging or walking around the place in the nude.

update
I set the bin in the living room on fire. I set the big metal bin in the playground of primary school [after school time] on fire and i went home and police came to door and I was scared, but it was okay, I wasn't arrested. Primary school age. I remember being in the playground at lesson break, being on the play thing and boy asked if I wanted to see his willy and I said no, and he went and told teacher I had showed him my privates. Teacher believed him but not me and I felt so ashamed.

I threw fork at my older brother and it cut his lip and I was afraid and ran into bathroom and wouldn't come out, but it was okay.

Big sister accidently pushed me down the stairs when she shoved me [was standing at top of stairss], all the way down with a few bangs into the stairs I fell but I was okay.

I fell of a chair when at sink in kitchen and banged my head - I was okay.

I got ran over in the flats, I think someone warned me car was coming [it should have stopped] and it ran into me and the arm off the door went into my arm and my sisters father brought me to hospital on a bus. I don't if driver got into trouble.

Once when home alone I empted out the kitchen cubboards by send food down to the kids below on a string - I think i got in trouble for that. I also enticed friend to come into the flat to keep me company I suppose - i remember i wouldn't let the friend back out of the flat when they wanted to go - I don't know what happened with that. Nothing probably. Mother stuck me outside the flat door at night [when I was naughty i guess] and I was scared.

Mum bought me a second hand chopper bike from local older kid and I was so pleased, I loved it but had 2 accidents - went head first over handle bars and another time when playing a dare game down down the hill and not using the breaks to stop - ended up on pavement, big bleeding hole in leg, brought to hospital next day but didn't have it stitched as Dr said the wound was starting to heal [skin over aready]

went to holiday camp a few times with mum and younger sister. remember going on last year of primary school holiday to butlins haha butlins. great stuff.

update
think I was reeled in again on twitter by a vampire - the all seeing eye - its all within you. You are blind - its your choice.

12 Nov 2017
Had a strange thought the other day that person on twitter is protecting me from something and that is why they have retreated. I thought why would anyone do that for me?

I don't need protecting. I don't want protecting, I want to help. 

Think i was wrong about this but thats okay.


13 Nov 2017
7.30am
my right shoulder is hurting since getting up from having a longish period of on and off sleeping.  had to sleep in part with radio on loud cos of noise above. yeah camden council come and take me to court for water charge arrears - do I look like I give a xxxx?

update
I havent been able to properly meditate the last 3 days, my mind has been think think thinking [obessive thoughts again] and not knowing for sure what I am sensing, what I know. The flow has changed now and I need to meditate properly - my heart pounded. I need to stay more grounded, which is a bit of a problem considering I am trying to fly. I will find the answer.

15 Nov 2017
Have been doing some work last 3 days which I'm finding hard to do and its slow going and need to get started again but am stalling I quess as I try to gather enough strength to carry on. I am trying not to let my pain get in the way of what I have to do, but my pain is your pain and your pain is my pain. I am not as disciplned as some. Know I love you XX

update
feeling really tired now need to sleep soon - the creepying tiredness has made me feel a bit grumpty, feeling annoyed, questioning why am I bothering with this. Thinking I don't owe him anything and he doesn't owe me anything - its only emotions. they be up or down or in the middle. if we didn't have them then what? we wouldn't feel things. To feel or not to feel that is the question.

Some people can't be reached?

The point is to try isn't it?

I don't want him to die with so much pain inside his body but its not up to me. I want to take it from him but where does it go if not into me?  think Ive been doing this wrong its not the Green Mile. Thinking I would offer myself up as a sacrifice to take away the pain hahaha - this isn't the bible ffs. 

His human body died for our [he took on our sins] sins and then he came back briefly as a spirit. Well it didn't work did it this taking on of ours sins. You came you went you came back again briefly and then you went again and promised to come back and you expect people to wait and wait and wait and wait, how long to you expect to keep people waiting?

Blind trust. In a fiction.

There must be another way.

Replace the brutal with the magical.

What happens when you die Mr Jingles - do you see it before it happens? do you see what you have left behind? Noble, honourable. Take a few down or at least try to - what have you got to lose? nothing - it has all been taken from you. Hate, disgust, pain, anger, fear is all you have left?  Understandable.

Love, joy, contentment, happiness, security, trust - all taken from you?

Focus on the job at hand. No distractions. Noble. You are of spirit not a robot, not a number. Its driving you crazy. You are crazy. Welcome to the club.

What Rights do you claim? What law will win?  Questions questions you know how it is.

18 Nov 2017
Have received letter from P that was sent to GP. Will try the meds but have reservations about what affect them will have but will wait and see.

Slept on and off for about 12 hrs - felt low before the period.

19 Nov 2017
Feeling inadequate again. I was listening to the interview person on twitter did, the life the person has lived and I felt inadequate, I listened a while to other stuff and I felt small, insignificant, a nobody and I thought wtf have i been doing. I got sucked in again - this time by someone telling a horror story and I felt deep compassion for what the person had been through is still going through , for it truly is a horror story and one that I believe though part of me still finds it hard to believe but I felt like I believed in the person and wanted to help but didn't know how to. Then we connect for a little while and the person retreats and won't speak, won't reply and I have been trying to reach the person but I can't and am feeling like I have done this all wrong, I have got this all wrong.

But other times I have felt like I sense things, know things, see things about the person and I am more confident, but its like the person won't acknowledge anything I say anymore. I was intriqued by the person, their mind, their brain, what they said they could see before it even happened, their training, everything. I wanted to learn and for some crazy reason I wanted this person to teach me but its the retreating. Feel like I was reeled in again - are you dancing - yeah the liver birds great. Killing me softly with his song - responded to that as well and then a little while later cuts me dead - actually not totally but enough.

Im not doing this for me, Im doing it because its the right thing to do, but you don't need anyone else right, so you say, but you do, have always been on your own - but you haven't been and your not. Noble, brave, strong and respectable. And I get sucked in when I should have run a mile but I couldn't do that. The tears again. Are they mine or are they yours? Do you cry?

I am still here and I always will be and I will get through this and will get done what i said i am doing and it doesn't really matter whether you speak again or not because you have had your journies, lived your life, loved your animals, and now its horror time and the noble knight will go out fighting and others will be left behind to try and carry on, make a life, and the world will not stand still, Nothing stands still.

20 Nov 2017
felt a lot better after having a sleep, did some more of the work but had to stop after a few hrs as neck/shoulder is really painful. will have to meditate for a while later [if i can without intrusions] the spritual. love - a mighty force.  believe.

update
had body reactions again when meditating - quite strong ones - was like something out of the exorcist for a little while - ha. be gone be gone demons. do i call for a shrink or a priest as backup?

update
feeling a bit flat since having sleep -then a bit upset again over diagnosis.

22 Nov 2017
been having dreams again which I should take more notice of and try and work out what they mean but i'm not at the moment as I have other stuff to do. I don't spend my time watching tv all day - thats when i'm awake that is. I have to try and attend to everyday problems etc, interactions with officials, health professionals etc, food shopping etc. No one else to do it for me, not that I would want them to - just saying. Everyday life goes on regardless and as best I can I will also carry on. I still need to try and sort out [once and for all] the problem with the tenant above. Its been going on for so long. The housing officer who came here and promised to help didn't help - probably had no intention of doing so. I haven't made a complaint about her to the council, don't know why, guess what with everything else it wasn't a priority, but I haven't forgotten it. Its not on what she did. If I need to contact housing manager again I will ask for another housing officer and will explain why.

24 Nov 2017
have been feeling lots of pain tonight whilst reading through the stuff - some times are better than others for doing so, but not tonight, lots of tears. I will get there soonish. xx

25 Nov 2017
still having trouble with the connection I feel towards the twitter person - its gone through various stages and causes me pain and as well as joy, but more so pain - what is that all about? is it a continuation of what happened with the physiotherapist? pain, tears, sorrow, helplessness, joy, heightened senses, confusion, spiritual, biological, knowing but not knowing. ffs it gets on my nerves at times. I think i am supposed to be frightened by the changings moods, feelings etc but all thats happening but I'm not, I am intriqued more than anything. In regards to mr jingles its slow going trying to reach him when he doesn't seem to want to be reached and really what rights do I have to even try other than what I given myself and at times i do feel like giving up but I know i can't.

28 Nov 2017
GP phoned me today and we spoke a little and he said he would refer me to the Early Intervention Service [EIS] team - GP didn't prescribe the meds - will have to wait to see what the EIS team say.  Its taken so long to get this far and they might not even take me on. Have been feeling very tired last these last few days and am sleeping a lot on and off.

I went out the other day to do some stuff and again I hated being out and was having a lot of difficulty in staying aware and in the moment thing as all i wanted to do was retreat into myself and block out all and everyone around me. What is that all about?

Have made some headway in regards to twitter person but its ongoing and i haven't given up. why did i [and still do] feel such a strong pull towards this person?


update
only realised after GP rang [went downtairs] that the P had already referred me to the EIS who had already sent me a letter and first appointment for assessment - next week.

30 nov 2017
feeling like crp right now but a bit up earlier and round and round the meery go round it goes. I'm tired of this, of feeling this pain, my pain, others pain.  feel disconnected - not from my feelings but from the connection i felt yesterday. feel iritated by some peoples unwillingness  to open their minds and hearts, even those who like to suggest they have open minds but they don't not really, as for hearts, how fragile we are. egos. how some build others up and never challenge them about anything - what is that about? questions without answers.

2 Dec 2017
didn't feel too bad yesterday then tonight its lots of pain, lots of tears, so many tears.
I was feeling so bad I mentioned it on twitter - not one person I followed and who follows me who was about, said anything, not even the twitter person I felt the connection with.

Was it because it was me who said it? or because they are so disconnected from others pain they didn't care, didn't read/see what i wrote?

its ok though because i will feel your fucking pain and others pain but no one will feel mine. when the pain stabs at me like it is trying to kill me i will suffer alone, just as I feared, they will walk over and around me like I am nothing rather than see me, see their pain in me.

I had to tell the twitter person I can't do this anymore. i had to unfollow him and a few others. The experiment was as I guessed it would be. They failed, I failed.

I will pick myself up and I will carry on. Know I love you - Its too painful though xx

Why does the  pain always get in the way? I wanted to be there i really did. i tried and at one point i thought i really could do it, go the course, do it not for anything in return, but because of love and it was the right thing to do but then the pain has been at me, reducing me to tears and i carried on and tonight its so  vicious and i can't stop crying because of it and i don't really know why. I'm no good to man nor beast in such a state.

Its okay though because tomoorow after some sleep i will be ok and probably regret what I have said what I have done but it will have to be what it is. some people you can't reach and im not one of them because i can be reached, the 'thing' that happened with the physiotherapist made sure of that. made sure every pain and fear i have ever felt, every insecurity, came crashing out trying to kill me and i had to fight so hard to not let it. and its still there as i found out tonight. the empathy, the feeling your pain like it was mine, feeling i love you, that i want to take care of you, want to take away your pain. but who is it i am feeling this about? is it real? i'm sorry xx i guess i wanted to feel i was needed and i wasn't. 

3 dec 2017
I feel a bit better today and so far haven't gone back on refollowing anyone i unfollowed - have even unfollowed some more. what if i have been suidical? thankfully i'm not and can and do come back from these 'episodes' - knock me down and i may wriggle around in agony for a bit but i get back up, i have to.

im sorry though that the pain got to me so much i had to pull away from him and then others. I had to do it for my own sake [yeap im human and have weaknesses] you can't reach some people. i felt like i had been pulled in and i had no control over it, over what i was feeling, the emphathy, heart breaking at times, wanting to help, to reach him, but i couldn't, he wouldnt let me. I have no claim to him not even on compassionate grounds. you can't make someone love if they don't want do. it wasn't me i wanted him to love but to feel the love within him, i thought does exist somewhere maybe not for people or person but at least for his animals and the home he had and all that they took from him - and others. feel the love and not so much hate and anger. better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all - is the saying. i wasn't the right person, strong or well enough, to do what i thought maybe i could do, the intent was there just not the capability. I love you and i am still here though just not so close by - if i am needed. xx.

update
hes only gone and pulled me in again - i will have to take this slow and see how it goes.

4 dec 2017
I refollowed him again and one or two others. am overwhelmed by what he said and i don't really know how to react, what to think. yes, the word is sometimes mightier than the sword but what about in person? its so much easier to say things in writing, it gives a degree of protection, at least for me it does. i still have so much work to do on myself and it seems to be so slow going at times and depending on mood i am either questioning, doubting myself, or am flat, or i believe in good magic - in spite of the horrors.

update
I have taken down the thread about my experience with connect health and the physiotherapist and it will stay down. I think what happened was some sort of transference and counter transference. I don't no why it happened but it did and it opened up so much in me - it was time and I was ready i guess. Whether i did fall in love I don't know, it felt like i had for many months, what else could it have been? then i came across the transference and counter transference stuff on line and it seemed to make sense. I was on a journey, still am, and the love i felt is still with me, it made me see what love meant really meant and i was glad. I no longer feel 'in love' with xx but still have feelings for him that i think will never go away, how can they we shared something powerful and i will never forget it. I really didn't wish him any harm and I still don't. I saw everything yet i didn't know what it was I saw. I hope xx learned something he needed to learn and has a good and fulfilling life x.

I think I know where i was meant to be heading and with who - but its early days and it could still go belly up so am taking this slow. im scared - am feeling the fear as well as the love and love will win i know it will. believe. magic is in the eye of the beholder. it is within us.

update
i don't know what to do now. i really wasn't expecting this - maybe im just over reacting - overwhelmed an all. get a grip woman. it will be what it is destined to be - something or nothing or maybe a bit inbetween. i hope he smiled a little.

6 dec 2017
the transference and countertransference thing in relation to how it relates to now - to the twitter person. He has no relation as far as i no to the physio or the twitter person who reminded me in some ways physio.

the below gist of the story makes sense to me. it has from the beginning felt like a journey that started with xx but wasn't meant to stay with xx, but having difficulties with understanding what was going on I still felt attached to xx and the person on twitter who made me the crazy offer reminded me of xx and i felt an attachment and he was attached to me, and i was still trying to understand, but he was another part of the journey to where i was going. then the man who I felt so much of his pain i couldn't help but be pulled towards him, want to help him and i felt/feel love for him, i couldnt help it. where it goes i don't know.
 "As we know Ariadne was a princess, daughter of King Minos of Crete. She was madly taken with Theseus, the beautiful, aristocratic young man who was sent from Athens to be sacrificed to the Minotaur. (As we recall, every nine years fourteen of Athens most promising youths— seven men and seven women —were sent in retribution because years before the King of Athens kidnapped Minos' brother.)

Theseus was very athletic and could master the Minotaur by leaping over him; however, he could not master the Labyrinth in which the dangerous Minotaur was confined. And so it was that Ariadne devised a plan, a thread that Theseus when entering would trail along behind him so that it would guide him out of this disorienting maze. Ariadne also devised another plan which was that Theseus would take her far away from Crete and marry her.

Proclaiming his victory over the Minotaur and the maze and true to his promise, Theseus took her away to the island of Naxos where their ship put in for the first night. But untrue to a lasting promise he abandoned her there.

When Ariadne awoke the next morning realizing Theseus had left her, she was thrown into deep despair, grieving and suffering the pain of loss of love. Her feeling of ecstasy and bliss now were replaced with feelings of dark despair and grieving anguish. She longed to die and in some versions of the myth she did kill herself. In Richard Strauss' opera, Ariadne of Naxos, she sings "I will never love again and therefore I will never live again." In her darkest moments, Dionysos appears, and at first she thinks he is the messenger of death.

She then recognizes he is the god, Dionysos. It is he who is her beloved and always has been. He takes her in his golden chariot to Mount Olympus where their marriage is celebrated. It is as if the heroic mortal man, Theseus, had to abandon her in order that Ariadne could recognize and realize that which was divine. Through her dark suffering and with the loss of love of mortal man she could come to full understanding of transcendent love." HERE


update
last night i had doubts about myself, about this and what if it really isn't real and i have been fooled, that the Thing has fooled me and I have this all wrong and i felt the pain, and the tears came again. I believed - in myself - for the first time and i believed in love, its power, its energy then i believed in him, not sure what the belief was but i think im seeing it more clearly. He loves me and I love him. Its a start but i don't know where it goes we have so much to work on, to let go off. Are you dancing? i'm asking? yeah the liver birds great. i knew then, but i wasn't sure. I am blessed I know that now and so is he. believe.

8 Dec 2017
what a day and night - i felt lifted, high, then it was tears again, fears, pain - i could see and feel his pain again, his burden and i didn't know for sure how i could help. i don't know if i did the right thing, said the right things. he is/was retreating into the darkness and I struggled to try and help him to pull himself out. I can't do it for him, I wish with all my hearT i could but I can't, nobody can. All i have is belief in him, in magic, in love. but i do struggle even with the beliefs, not my belief in him though, that is set in stone. I am anxious but i will be okay.

9 Dec 2017
had to go out earlier for supplies - i had to take bus instead of usual walking as I just couldn't bare it. even when waiting for bus, and on bus i had to try and keep in the moment - look around - notice - cars, people, roads, lights, bins, colours, hats, all of them I had to say them, sometimes in my head sometimes out loud like some crazy person talking to herslef in the street [of all places]  notice them - stay in the moment, stay don't sink into myself then twice i had to walk past xmas trees arggg spare me - be glad when its all over and the new year and the xmas jingles *screams* stop it. don't look at me. stop looking at me.

I am scared again, what if - this- isn't-real- and i disappointment him. its emotions - developed across space and time - not real flesh and blood but i can't help myself at times. anxious, dread, fear. i can cope [i think] with disappointing myself, but not disappointing him. save me save me only love can hurt like this. what have i done? its like 2 powers battling inside of me. what have i done? forgive me xx

he said nice things again and i smiled, i understood, but .... i worked my 'magic' again as i couldn't just leave it, couldn't not say what was in my heart, what is burning in the room with the log fire. is it all a dream. i shouldn't be allowed out of bed without a chaperone.

the tears, don't look at me i am ugly i am worthless I am nothing - i am something, i am worth it fcuk off. the tears so many, why, tell me its real, tell me please.

I felt confident as well, like i believed in myself, the magic dust really does work if you believe, and how to use it will come naturally. know thy enemy, know thyself. admit everything, even the most uncomfortable, the most darkest, control the beast, gently, yet control it always.  set free the magic, the spirit, its the only way.

i love you, know i do  - across space and time x


update
are you mimicking me? telling me what i want to hear? you read this don't you. well
magic won't make this alright because i can only be with you across space and time i know that, you know that. its only words, mightier than the sword at times, thats all i have to give you, my 'gift' to you because you are worth it xxx don't look at me, don't strip me bare and then turn and look the other way. all seeing eyes - well i see also, shall we do battle? yes i think so. true friend.

magnets - like repels like opposites attract - both at the same time, battles constant, the room is now a memory, what happened is now a memory, the love is a memory.

shall i tell you what i did? if it was real and had any affect - in the room. which door was you opening? im insecure i no, its a battle. bonds, unbreakable across time and space, you will follow me won't you - be with me? oh danny boy the pipes the pipes. you will die and i will still be here but thats my choice. let me do what i said - for you.

--------------

ive changed again, all in the space/time of writing the update and this. haha its funny really, im not fractured, dissociated, well at least i don't believe i am, somethings i think/feel I will fracture, will break into a thousand tiny pieces in a heap on the floor and never be put together again. I need to control this.

to die or not to die - i made my choice. i am trying to find a life, my life, and I want you in it, for however long you have left. let me do this. help me not to crumble.

 im tired now. forgive me i meant well x

update
haha i need to get a grip but of what i'm not sure - i was going to say 'reality' but i really don't  want to its as simple as that. i want to live in the mystic, enchanting land that time forgot. There i said it out loud. whether i need to is another matter.

I know what goes on 'out there' i hear about it, i see some of it, i see others pain, i want no part of it. I like the rough with the smooth waters but ffs some of this stuff takes the P.

I will defend to the end my right to live in the illusion, the magical, to look into the burning log fire and see the endless possibilities. I feel it inside of me, it drives me near crazy [or something] at times. my physical body/container - all of the universe is within me. the good the bad and the ugly [and everything in between]and i embrace it all - i just don't to look at the ugly and bad too often.

expand them axioms - ha odd how the mispelling of what i meant when I said 'axioms' brought me to  the definition  " An axiom or postulate is a statement that is taken to be true, to serve as a premise or starting point for further reasoning and arguments. The word comes from the Greek axíōma (ἀξίωμα) 'that which is thought worthy or fit' or 'that which commends itself as evident" HERE

well say no more.

Anyway what i meant to say was expand them Axons, unbond them chemicals - and now the thread of what i was going to say has gone. distractions, the wanderer, pathways, new wonders. specialise you say, maybe, maybe not.

I can't get anything done today/night but i will do before i get some sleep - what has he done to me - the vampire, hypnotised me with his eyes and like a ghost hoovered over to me and stuck his fangs into my neck and sucked on my blood - and left me a heap on the floor. true story. x the all seeing eye. do I under-stand? haha i am no match for you but i am learning and maybe i will extract back from you what you extracted from me and maybe the two will flow back and forth back and forth and round and round the magic goes. have i gone mad? do i look botherd? ffs i must stop this now and get something done.

update
im back in the darkness again. i don't know what is happening with me today/night. the tears. stop it. i tricked him and i shoudnt have he has too much to carry as it is and i have lost sight to this the green mile mr jingles thats what if feels like at times. but you came out of the darkness and i was so glad, the glow from the log fire is all the light you need.  you have much to offer, lived a life, a strange live, one that is alien to me in mny ways and why do i feel i must leave you now before i break my own heart. i don't want to leave you ever.

its okay i will be ok later on. i will get some sort of a grip somewhere even if i have to imagine it in my mind. the grip was there the other day but not today and not the 2 days before. Mr Ben, which door do you go through. dont tell me what i want to hear, it will destroy me for sure x resist it at all costs because i don't know how to process it the right way i dont know how to. the tears. cry lots mr jingles, cleanse yourself, open up and tell the world of your pain, your suffering, how you take on the pain of others - let them do the right thing - make them see your pain and dare them to keep looking the other way.  you are not alone, you never where and never will be, maybe it just felt like that at times. to feel or not feel your choice.

its ok i am cleansing myself, the tears they do that, the confusion the constant chaning of thoughts from believe to despair, stay and tell us what we are not understanding, how we can help. help me to know how not to crumble when you have to leave but i shouldnt put this onto you have enough already but i have done so. im afraid now to go to bed and try and sleep. what have i done. im not afraid now to try and sleep - see what i mean? back and forth like a tennis match.  i want to go to sleep in the dark and visit you again and see the children float away up into the heavens for you loved them enough to care. xx you love and always have. the babies, taken brutally before they had a chance to live where not meant for this world, let them go, they have only joy to live now. believe. the magical.

update
i tried to visit you again in the room but i can't do it tonight. sorry x  i am still here though.
did i overstep the mark? i shouldnt have but i couldnt help it, its back to basics you no, the animal and the spirit nature v nurture - do you forget that? i suspect not. but you play things close to your chest, but not all things.

 i reaaly did look into the eye of the blue whale i was so honoured, blessed. i went down into the core of mother earth and came back up again i knew i didnt want to fly amonst the stars not yet anyway. the circle can be broken. atoms, dark matter, where is the light? how can it not exist? i can't wait for the explaination from the science community as to that one.

think sleep with come soon - tell me about the locked into the horror by your blindness you spoke of. let me try to understand. you must sleep, get good sleep. the photo i like best is you with the 2 ponies, at the fence feeding one.


11 Dec 2017
imagine by delight when i woke up and saw out the front window that it was snowing, like proper snow and it had settled. i smiled lots. magic eh. anyway i built a little snow creation, on wall - made me laugh at what it looked like - well its the trying ain't it? jack wouldn't come outside though maybe another time.

off to sleep soon - what a day/night - feeling a lot better than  the one before where i really was out with the flying carpets somewhere in space and time - life jim but not as we know it. believe. who knows what later on will bring. will meditate a little before sleep. you letting go of some of that anger mr jingles - the fast and the furious maybe years back but now? 

will visit you again in room sometime just not sure when, takes a lot out of me for some reason. i don't care if i have gone mad - there i said it out loud, i don't care if i am being fooled. Love from camden x

update
sleep sleep soon- being thinking about deceit and illusions, and how awful it must be to think you know someone for years, love them, trust them, even build a life with them then find out they have tricked you - like uncover coppers etc - how do they do it? its not something i could do, pretend for years and years, acting out the designated role - do they produce these people in a factory somewhere? its a question i will ask, maybe not now though. hard talk you know. understanding.

come to think of it, politicans do it all the time don't they? maybe we all do, i don't know.

update
have i been projecting all on to you mr jingles? for a moment or 2 it felt like i had but maybe we all do that. 

felt like i have to move away from you, for you are free spirit whereas i'm not, not really if im honest. im trying to learn but maybe i can't hold on, the urgency its still there, but i know i must be patient, but patient for what exactly? security i think. to feel secure.

I thought i wanted to wander all over the universe but i don't, i like mystery, i don't want to know everything, but i do want to understand what makes us 'humans' what we are, what makes other beings what they are and whether we really can change when need be for the good of the whole, whilst keeping the individual.its those tears again.

its that time of year again - xmas, new year, i hate both but i havent really said the whole truth.  merry xmas hohoho st nicholas, old nick the enigma, the code cracker. every song tells a story well seeing as you only put one up thats quite a story eh - shall i go listen again, read the words again? shall i crack some codes as well, its not that hard, when you understand some basics. maybe you where talking about my story which isn't much of a story but im coming to terms with that [i think, well im trying to] my 'family', [not my kin though?] they aren't around me, im not with them either, i do and i don't want to be, i never thought they understood, they never said they did, we never said anything really.

Irish you say well yeah, thats what i see myself as - now - why i don't know, as what does this identity have to offer me? its bs ain't it. the old wise man who lived down the lane, if i am honest i don't like the look of him, sorry if its offends not my intension x - ha its a game aint it, a test, and if i fail? if you fail?  i really should shut up but theres no stopping me these day, what i have to lose isn't as great as what i have to gain, what i will gain.

I will look again, later on - at your story I can't do it every day and take it all in. why is your story so important to tell - i remember, its a warning. but folk don't listen to warnings unless these warnings slap them hard, so why is your story so important to tell - to be understood? just my ramblings, written down, it helps. its not always easy/comfortable to re-read time and again until i really do understand.

will i crack the code?

i felt you again, inside - the gut area - signals spreading up and across. i want to visit you again in the room but i won't until i understand more. know i love you x


last update
i feel as if I have lost grip of this and i must get a grip somewhere, somehow.
and i will.

shrink person do you know what it feels like to be told one is 'delusional' and have ones whole existence come crashing down in on you?  you didnt expect the tears though, thanks for the box of tissues. but ..... im not though and you know im not. I researched it though and still you werent for bending. the tavistock and portman - what goes on there i wonder?





No comments:

Townhall employee found guilty

taken from http://camdennewjournal.com/article/camden-council-worker-made-list-of-277-vulnerable-pensioners-for-fraudsters   Camden cou...