" Feeling happy is a part of mental well being. But it’s far from the whole.
Feelings of contentment, enjoyment, confidence and engagement with the world are all a part of mental well being.
Self-esteem and self-confidence are, too.
So is a feeling that you can do the things you want to do. And so are good relationships, which bring joy to you and those around you."
The thing is that when one been disconnected from people (all, some, most) but then reaches a point in their
Opening up can start with taking in the beauty around you like the trees, flowers, etc, like looking up to the sky on a clear night and seeing the stars, the moon, or in the day the sun, and feeling, seeing them as the wondrous things they are. Learning that everything is connected, or has the potential of being connected. Learning how the human brain works, atoms, particles, etc, exploring the mind, the soul, trying to function as a whole instead of fractured parts.
I'm not going mad, i'm really not, just moving to a different frequency (i think) to try and make this existence bearable. Its a slow process and some times it feels like one step forward, 3 steps back, but its happening.
Being connected means seeing/knowing/feeling others pain. Feeling others joy? Knowing its all one. Its spiritual, intangible. At times I can feel myself lifting up towards the light and i feel my heart fire up and my brain fire up but then the pain drags me back down again.
I had a glorious mighty experience. It was also a mighty painful one. Still is. It had a profound affect on me. I need good sleep. I have various battles to fight.
I will probably change my mind later on and take this post down as I'm really tired and need to sleep and don't know what point i'm trying make. I'm sure i started of with a point in mind but ive lost it now or maybe i have made the point and don't realise it yet.
13 March 2017
sometimes its like the pain doesn't
Thank you for being open but ...... Shall I close myself up again?
Some NHS services should come with a health warning I reckon.
14 March 2017
Am feeling the warm glow inside of me this evening - but its a struggle to keep hold of it continuously but I'm trying.
17 March 2017
Am trying a new technique: replacing the pain feeling with the warm glow feeling. It seems to have worked a bit this late eve but was hard - or maybe it was the magic dust that I came across that did it - who knows.
18 March 2017
Came down a bit (crashed) from the warm glow and sleep isn't too good. Need good sleep.
19 March 2017
Am sure that at least some of the pain I feel in my neck and shoulders and which I was receiving NHS treatment for (but wasn't able to continue with), is to do with stress, anxiety etc.
22 March 2017
Pain in my right shoulder is fierce today. What doesn't kill ya makes you stronger [in some ways] apparently.
The Battle has shifted onto a higher level.
27 March 2017
Have been finding it harder and harder to go outside even to the front gate without feeling strange inside, without anxiety over what I'm not really sure about. Its like I feel vulnerable to something I can't yet work out and I want to go back inside but inside isn't safe not entirely.
I know I haven't gone back inside myself as before and closed up but instead of feeling like I am blending into the outside [being invisible maybe] I am so very aware of being held in a body [container] that won't loosen its grip on me not even a bit to let me expand as I need to.
30 march 2017
am a bit lifted at present and think I may at some point go find a [little] hill and go sit down on it and meditate [for a few minutes] - not forgetting to hug an old [wise?] tree on my way down. But I might not even have to go out just imagine it in my mind.
1 April 2017
I feel as if I was given something magical but then it was snatched away from me and has caused a deep painful wound in my soul. I need to mend. I am
am like a water fountain that keeps switching on and off. i feel dehydrated. im turning into a sun dried prune. ffs. and if I go out in the sun I might just combust as well. sleep. sleep. sleep. I laugh. Is this a test?
2 April 2017
Tears for Fears. Tears for Love.
I think I'm processing things better than I used to. I don't have the usual self loathing thoughts [though I know they are there lurking, rising but falling back]. The blame. The weakness. Shifting. They are no use to me anymore. I will heal. Believe. Patience.
I weep again. Am I being cleansed, unblocked? My questioning mind. Always. It is what it is.
I was listening to some relaxing celtic music on utube HERE -
it helped a bit for a little while - i was imagining at first being at the seaside, not many people about, a warm slighly breezy day, i was alone, and that was okay. I looked out to the sea and looked around to take more of it in, and I lifted up off the ground and I could rise higher. Its not quite perfected though, I need to control it. I went to the cliff edge, lifted, I went to look at volanco, a vast river, forrest, mountains, lakes, wildlife in natural habit, birds, I was in the sky when snow fell, when lightening struck, when the wind was fierce, when the rain poured down. Magnetic shield around me. My friends. Thank you. I forgot to look up at the sun.
I was on the earth and I looked at the creatures who lived within it and I thanked them. I went down into the earth, deep down, through its natural resources and I came to the centre - 'metal/iron' - i kissed it. I love you. I must go up now.
I rise up through the earth and surface and its nightime and I look up and I see so many stars, overwhelming. So many. I rise up and I remember the magnetic shield around the earth and I think how can I be rising, floating up when gravity is supposed to keep me down. Then I remembered I just can. I didn't get up to far though as I got distracted. For a little while I felt such joy, saw such beauty I weep.
I think i'm starting to freak myself out a bit.
emotions, sometimes its like I don't really want to let them go, the pain. as if I do I will be letting go of something I am afraid to let go off. Damned if I do damned if i don't? My eyes are opened with a glow of brightness.
Really i'm not going mad [i keep telling myself]
I nearly forgot the moon, respect always.
3 March 2017
I can't sleep for more than a few hours without waking up. I need good sleep. I weep again. am trying not to feel hate, anger, not to feel the scream in my head destroy what is left of me.
I feel sad.
But you are human, not a supernatural all powerful god.but I am. I am. eck wasn't it the royals who had the slogan "I am" in their invector games.
Lord of the rings. Good v bad. Why am talking such bs? because im expunging this poison from my body, mind, spirit. Nuclear waste.radioactive waste. Know thy enemy. sleep.
4 April 2017
feel deflated today and don't have enough energy to do much. Feel like my body keeps going to sleep while i'm awake. would like to start swimming again one day. Why are some things so difficult to do, seemingly easy things on the face of it, such hurdles to get over, or around depending on how you look at it.
I feel I don't have enough time left - that life has passed me by [or i let it pass me by] - what if this really is the only existence we have? but I won't care/know when I die, so why do I care whilst living? afraid of living and afraid of dying. feel disconnected again on some levels.
6 April 2017
Didn't feel too bad for a while yesterday but later deflated quite a bit. Am sleeping a lot now but sleep still interrupted. Fell asleep at one point listening to radio - subject was genes and sleep disorders or something like that.
7 April 2017
Fight or flight - both. Lots of tears and acknowledging uncomfortable thoughts that need to be processed properly - apologies to anyone caught in the crossfire between my conscious and unconscious state. Some things seem to take a while to filter through, for me to really
was ok for a few hours earlier today then mini brake down again [the pain, the tears] i wish I could go 1 whole day without the pain hurting so much it reduces me to tears. even every other day would be progress. My neck and shoulders are playing me up today. I feel weak but I know I am stronger than before. Believe.
Think I need to meditate again [can't do it everyday takes so much energy and have to be in right frame of mind] especially the trip I had the other day. I will get there. I will get there.
Does my pain repel you? Is it your pain? the universe?
9 April 2017
wish i would stfu and stop writing this bs on here making a show of myself. buck up your ideas, pull yourself together as some would say. Sometimes I can't read this stuff without feeling repelled or repulsed. Do xxxx off.
You know when some of the feelings/thoughts you have that you still find you are too
When you have to keep people, even friends and family at a distance because you can't not do so. Maybe they aren't the right people to properly connect with or maybe you have a phobia of getting too close to any being. To be free from oneself. Rewind and start again.
From Camden with love.
12 April 2017
Saw GP today who was very supportive, which I appreciate a lot.
14 April 2017
put on the relaxation music and lay down and went for a journey inside my mind. It wasn't as intense as the last one - haven't been able to do deep [for me it is - small steps] meditation that often.
I saw things I needed to realise before I can ascend past the earths magnetic rings. I saw I had to get past my fear of heights. I also saw that the built up city I live in is like a barrier around me that stops the higher frequencies from freely flowing through. I need space. The open countryside, the sea, lakes, mountains, open unobstructed space.
I am in the ocean and I see the biggest creature on earth - the blue whale, magnificent in its sheer size, I am beside it I see into its eyes. We are one. I see the tiniest of ocean creatures, we are one. Thank you my friends. Know I love you.
I am on the top of the Post Office tower and I look out and I see more of whats around me. Don't look down, look ahead and above. Don't look down and see height, see a floor, a secure floor. The top of the tower opens up to look out side. I hesitate. Believe. I am afraid. Believe. I step out of the tower and its a floor. Its secure.
But what do i do now?
I go down and look at the creatures who live in the skies, on the wind, eagles, other birds. Creatures who live in the trees, on mountains. I see the creatures who live on the earths surface and it is the human creatures that disappoint and hurt me, who cause so much pain, why is that so? There are good humans but so much damage is done.
I go down through the earth and I get to the core. At first there is nothing just a space and after a little wait I hear it speaking to me. I am you and you are me. I am afraid, don't be. I love you and you love me. Yes. Know it. I smile. Thank you.
I swirl around like a switched on power drill [on reflection it probably was a bit slower swirl] and I rise back up through the earth and arrive on the surface.
Journey ends for now. Not sure where I am going. I feel fear. Thats ok.
Am sleeping for longer periods now. But it might change again, just have to wait and see.
15 April 2017
The feeling of fighting for my life is surfacing again, like I'm drowning in rough waters in the middle of nowhere, and keep coming up for air to take into my lungs.
I know how to swim, not brilliantly though, but I need to find something to hold onto or I will go under for sure. I will conquer up a swimming ring to put around me and hold me steady[ish] until the fog clears and I can really see where I am.
Not got me yet.
17 April 2017
Felling quite anxious today but I know what it may be about.
Without tempting fate, I have managed to go 2 whole days without the water works. I have struggled a lot with loosening the grip a bit.
Am feeling spiritual today. I see not what was snatched [so cruelly it seemed] from me but what was given - and I still have it. It was a gift. Thank you. With love.
18 April 2017
have had a piece of the tune from the Waltz of the Roses HERE playing in my head on and off since I woke up. I had to listen to it again. It is most beautiful, caressing piece. Felt like a violin bow was literally playing the tune on my heart and I could picture it in my mind. Very deep tune. Takes my breath away ..... then I deflated.
Wonders where I go from here.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't here, that I no longer existed, that I never had existed. What was the point in my birth? Having to search for reasons for this existence when it should be known from the start - I think.
I'm not suicidal, just questioning the reasons for my existence on this planet, an existential crisis.
Where do you go after your nervous system has broken down a bit and brought out so much pain at times thought you would fully breakdown, but you just can't let that happen, you won't let that happen.
When not long before this you are triggered so close to breaking point it frightens the bejesus out of you and have to 'reach out man' and contact mental health crisis team who provided some support which i am grateful for, but it wasn't on going. I was
It could have been a lot worse I think and I am thankful for the support I appear to be currently receiving from GP and Camden councils housing officer. It may all have an illusion playing tricks with my mind though.
I thought back to the days when I couldn't speak at all about what was going on. I was mute, I really couldn't get words out, didn't know the words, didn't know what was happening other then I had to escape from this existence, that I had to pull away, retreat.
Where do you go?
With love always.
21 April 2017
Anyway, thank goodness there are many good people still around and that love really does have healing powers. Its a mighty force.
I'm tired must get some sleep soon.
23 April 2017
Other peoples love - and pain - attracts and repels - sometimes at the same time or there about I think.
26 April 2017
I'm not sure meditation is supposed to make me cry but it does at times as I battle with trying to let go of the pain, the hurt, feels like there is so much of it inside me. Where are the happy feelings, the contentment feelings? I can only remember feeling happy on a few past occasions for a few fleeting moments - where I actually thought "I feel happy".
I am probably my worst enemy in many ways. I never believed I had the strength, the know how to live instead of existing.
Yesterday as I was cycling down a nearby leafy street, I looked around at the trees, and I soaked them up and I felt good for a little while. I found myself telling the trees I loved them. Another time when I was cycling down a road where the autumn leaves where on the ground and a gust of wind blew the leaves up and around me as I cycled. It was magical.
Why is it so hard to hold onto the magical?
I've got the magical back - don't know how long it will last thought. I need to discipline myself a lot more as I have become very sluggish in many ways. I can do it. I can do it.
1 May 2017
Bad day yesterday - not much energy, lots of crying. feeling a great need for a meaningful connection, feeling needy which I hate. What do you not understand?
Feeling I have no control over the pain, the tears - up and down round and round. At least though the anti depressants seem to control the depression to a large degree, though it does seep through at times. They don't help with the anxiety, the obsessive [not total obsessive] thinking, the pain, the tears, the fear. This has been going on now for 4 months,and I'm feeling annoyed with myself for not being strong enough to have moved on from this. Can I have lots of strong drugs please? Can I have a different existence please?
2 May 2017
I am trying a new technique for dealing with my negative emotions: instead of wanting the pain to go away, telling it to go away, I am now trying to accept unconditionally what ever feelings arise and not push them aside. To 'listen' to them with love, without judgement, without putting a name to them, for however long them need to talk. They are me - all one energy. I know I also have to believe in my self, change and believe - the narrative in my head that tells me how disgusting, horrible, etc etc etc I am - challenge it always. This is a journey in which I am learning, realising, awakening. I am impatient at times.
If this doesn't work after a period of time I will find something else.
chemical bonds or spiritual bonds? is it all down to chemicals i wonder.
Nature and nurture all the same thing - chemical reactions? maybe we can change the chemical reactions by using our minds? wow what a thought. Has there been studies? am I stoned and does it really matter?
6 may 2017
I had to agree to have one of cats [sister/twin of remaining cat 6 y/o] put to sleep yesterday - vet couldn't save her, they tried over a number of days but couldn't find out the cause of why she was so poorly - they think she may have been poisoned when outside. Love you always sweetheart xxx.
Bonny [sitting up] and Jack when kittens
the pain is fierce tonight.
9 May 2017
Have been feeling a bit more lifted, high but not too high. My senses are heightened and I feel the love. It keeps coming back to me like it can't not filling my whole being and no amount of pain is going to stop it. The connection I felt I had lost with some others changed into the connection with myself. We are taught we only have have 5 senses: smell, sight, taste, hearing, touch but we are not taught that many other senses flows from them, or along side them. Wow I really must go sit on a hill in the sun and meditate.
10 May 2017
Find that my moods don't stay constant for more than 2 days. In some way its like living with lots of different beings, but they are all one.
I was making connections, I could feel them, thought they where positive, then wallop - the hadron collider thing happens and its wtf is this. Why did this happen, why has it caused so much pain. It feels like there will be no further connecting. Is this the end of the line? I hope not.
My brain, my mind, my soul, my existence, my whole being stares at me in the face, up close - looking into my eyes, daring me to stare back and really look, see, understand what is inside.
The reason I keep equating what happened, to atoms, and charged particles etc to is because it is what happened. Surely I can't be the only person in whole world that has had this experience? Hello earth, am I really a creature from outer space? I come in peace, but have 'stolen' this human body for experimental purposes but I don't know what state I will leave it in.
12 may 2017
I miss my little furry one. Sometimes I'd wonder which of the 2 would go first - now I know but wish I didn't.
Will chase psych referral up soon which the Tavistock and Portman - assessment at GP practice.
not so long ago I had a strange feeling inside [I think it was my heart] or that area, had actually moved/shifted like it had tried to leave my body but couldn't.
I've felt lonely on and off today. Its a discomforting feeling even if it only lasts a few seconds at a time. Thankfully its not a problem as such as I don't feel it most days but it may be tied into needing to feel connected to [some] other people and fear of intimacy. I keep forgetting not to put labels on feelings as good or bad and just accept them without judgement. But how can i really do that?
Chemicals, hormones. I need good sleep. I sometimes have re-occurring themed dreams that i remember most of, that I need to figure out what they mean but i can't. I don't have feelings and sensations in my dreams. I wish I could understand them and control them and feel I am actually alive in them. Control control control. Life but not as we know it.
But we can't control everything.
Anyway, positive thoughts, positive feelings, positive energy and healing.
Bring on the robots I'm getting fed up with all this emotional stuff.
lots of intense feelings and tears. I was triggered - delayed reaction. will sleep soon. having trouble making sense of some things that I feel I need to make sense of. I have to make sense of. Is that rational? Sometimes I think I know. Other times I don't know. sleep.
With love from Camden.
13 May 2017
feel like I am going backwards again instead of forward - lots of intense feelings again - its like they are attacking me, stabbing at me, daring/willing me to break under their force. Testing me.
On a positive note, I do have days where I feel lifted, more confident, able etc and I have to keep remembering those days and build on them and know/believe I can overcome this and recover from it. I do have a degree of support around me. That helps.
16 May 2016
I came a cross a website called Emotional Processing HERE, set up by the Clinical Research Unit, part of the NHS and Bournemouth University, Dorset.
18 May 2017
Twitter can be really depressing at times. Various people in pain trying to get help or justice, supporters, all trying to make something happen - to 'kill the beasts', somehow. Thinking that i wish I could help them but I can't do much. Other people doing really horrible things to others, children, babies, animals. Inflicting pain. The Scream. Think I'm still going backwards and I don't know how to stop it.Twitter makes me laugh as well which is a positive plus who can live without the cute animal pic's/video's cheering them up?
I'm fighting for my life again, fighting against the brutal pain and the feelings of wanting to cut my skin with a blade and see the blood trickle out and the stinging sensation afterwards. Its not about bringing about my death[suicide] but bringing some relief. But I won't ever do it again. I can't do it again. Losing this battle isn't an option for me. I roar. fcuk you. Spread the word I'm coming out so you better get this party started.
Attract, come closer. Repel, don't look at me. stop looking at me.
The tears. They are mine. This is me. This is what I know.
Its what others know.
Regulate those emotions. Can't have them taking control.
20 May 2017
Received word from the Tavi - referral from GP accepted and waiting time is approx 8-10 weeks for assessment.
lots of tears today. love from Camden.
22 May 2017
have been thinking about Belief and 'Magic' - wanting to believe in a particular thing or things but not wanting to believe if not obtainable sort of thing, because i don't want to waste my thoughts, energy, feelings for years and years on a dream and die knowing it was just a wasted dream. Faith in something that continuously tests you and is not obtainable.
I want to believe in magic I really do but I fear the disappointment it would bring. Its fear again always getting in the way. I have to let go of a lot of my fears - but they are part of me and its like i don't want to let them go. Its changing them into positives and keeping them changed. Creating illusions from dis-illusions.
26 May 2017
I've not really taken in the Manchester arena bombing that happened on 22 May 2017 resulting in around 22 dead and many injured apparently by a suicide bomber who was a Muslim fanatic. Not sure what to believe anymore when it comes to acts of terrorism and other stuff to do with government and wars so I mainly watch from the sidelines, listen to views from lots of different people and try and keep calm.
I hope the conservatives don't win again when we have the general election on 8 June 2017. I've had enough of them now.
27 May 2017
I realized that my confidence and self esteem had/s taken a bit of a bashing - not that it was that great in some area's to start with but I'm working on it - small steps.
30 May 2017
I'm not experiencing the highs like I used to. I miss them. The pain is till there and reducing me to tears most days but in some way it feels different. Its like I still can't let go of it yet but I have times when it isn't there and all what has happened feels like a far away dream world.
Going out is still an issue of having to fight the anxiety, the resistance to being exposed to - what I don't know.
I remembered some of the dream I had last night - the same theme - trying to make my way 'home' to flat in kentish town via the tube but never making it. I tried to remember more [there was a lot more] but it was like my memory didn't want me to.
On a positive note I was able to make a few connections for a short time with some people when out today, but I want [or need] to be able to feel the connections more if that makes sense - I'm not even sure what i mean. Maybe my hopes are to high to achieve. Time will tell.
I realised another thing about myself that i really need to work on. It relates to the confidence and self esteem I mentioned above in that when trying to do one of the tasks I came across on line re writing down positive things about myself, which I found difficult to do [maybe I was starting to high up instead of starting at the more simple things] I realised that I also found it difficult to do with people, even with family/friends. Its a barrier I think I put up many years ago and that i need to break down.
1 June 2017
Was thinking about how over the years people come into and go out of our lives, some regretfully so others not so. How missing those who only after they were gone it is realised how much they are missed [valued] even years later, and even more recently.
3 June 2017
Sleep hasn't been to good of late ie waking up every few hours or so and never feeling like I've had enough sleep. Oh to jump out of bed after a good sleep fully revitalised and raring to go ......
On second thoughts its just not me really, I'm part sloth I think.
On a positive note and I hope I 'm note tempting fate, but I haven't had the tears for 3 whole days. 3 days and nights. Thank you.
I need to fly high in the sky but i'm not too sure of late whether out there in space is where I'm heading. Who knows, I will arrive at where i arrive and for once i will trust myself to know [without knowing if that makes sense] that where I am heading is the right place for me. Feel it. Know it. Love will win.
4 June 2017
There has been another 'terrorist' incident, this time in London again - London Bridge and Borough Market - 3 men in a van drove into people and then got out of van and started stabbing people.
More than one dead.
Apparently 2 of the men shot dead by police the other is in custody.
Love and warm hugs to all affected by such acts of brutality.
apparently, 6 people killed and the 3 men shot dead by police and over 30 injured. maybe the 1 man taken into custody was to do with the unrelated incident in Vauxhall.
Then 3 men shot apparently wore fake suicide bomb jackets. One member of the public shot [accidently] when 8 armed police fired 50 shots. Police arrived at scene within 8 minutes of the call.
5 June 2017
Woke up and the pain in neck and shoulders was as firece as it was last night. Had to meditate. The pain has lessoned bit.
Had thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore. Thoughts of cutting myself deep and watching the blood roll down my arm. Thinking of the fag burn scars on my forearm from 30 years ago. Faded but still there. A faded scar on other forearm. Thankfully not as many scars as there could of been. Like tattoo's. Like many others the scars are mainly on the inside.
I wish the Tavi would hurry up with my appointment.
Yours Truly the Black Hole. There is life Jim but not as we know it.
6 June 2017
positive energy, positive thoughts and ..... fuck it I can't be arsed.
You know when you have days where you just want to cuss and swear and not give a 4xxx about anything.
I was reminded the other day of when some 'squirrely fcuker' from holborn cid arrested me and when in custody stole my keys from the 'secure' bag and snuck round here entered and stole property. He broke the law. He knew he was breaking the law. I had written somestuff on this site and others that some 'old tarts' to do with Camden council objected to - I found out it was really to do with proper council people and not the tenent reps - but they used it to their advantage, scratched backs - as they do, and acted the innocent victims set upon for no reason at all. Some are still around, still at it I imagine.
Anyway, standing near him at the front desk when he came back from breaking the law, I at first thought he had kicked my door in, but he hadn't and I pointed my finger at him and said something and next thing I knew 2/3 coppers where next to me and somehow lifted me up off the floor [without me feeling them doing it] and maneoved me into the cell and closed the door.
I lost it big time and started kicking the door and shouting every swear word I could think of to describe him and then realised what i was doing and calmed down.
Oh yeah and the time 2 coppers from holborn came and threatened to break down my door - there wasn't any need to make threats I would have opened the door without the threats, but there you go.
And the woman copper who said they can break the law/ or something like that.
I know there are good coppers but some of them are the pits, and they get away with it because as I observed when in custody, other coppers don't say anything to them. The IPCC upheld my complaint about dodgy dc, apologized and I was sign posted to the department where they give money as compensation but I didn't want money and I didn't put in a claim. I would have preferred an apology from said copper and said practices to cease, but that wasn't going to happen.
For some time after this I couldn't bear to even see a copper without the anger, the disappointment, the disgust rising within me. As far as I'm concerned if you are a 'law enforcer' and arrest someone you shouldn't then knowingly go do something in relation to the arrest that breaks the law.
But then ignorance of the law is no defence - apparently. Ah I just remembered one of excuses given was his ignorance of the law. Really. They take the P at times.
But saying this I really do believe and know there are good coppers its just that the 'system' seems stacked in favour of the squirrely ones.
PS i don't actually know what 'squirrely' means but i saw it in a cartoon some years back and thought it was funny. No offence to actual squirrels who I love and wish no harm upon.
My experience of some coppers, being charged, going through the courts, lies, more lies, bs. play acting, being outnumbered - left me open to anything happening to me - in the system - they really can do what they like. I didn't run away I looked the fuckers straight in the eyes, do your worst you bastards I thought. Didn't get me imprisoned though did you david - as threatened at the dmc. They didn't break me, that was never going to happen.
I guess I was lucky in some ways as it really could have been a lot worse and I did learn from it but I was able to get through it because I had detached myself from it, I had closed down, I was closed down when still involved in all this bs, my mother was dying and then died.
Then years later I was broken down by a 'professional' in the NHS and then its having to battle with the same bs to try breaking through the system 'they' hide within when they have messed up, to get some answers, the truth.
Anyway, I will probably go back to my 'new and improved' charming, gorgeous meditation inspired, love is king, tree hugger [on occasions] self after I've had a kip.
Its the way things are.
The many faces of eve.
9 June 2017
Oh well the 'murdering lying bast'ds' of poorly folk [sorry for the cussing again but sometimes its best let out then kept in] have gotten back in. More time for them to 'kill off' more disabled people before they are eventually kicked out in 5 years time.
Anyway, that said I have to fill in another form and send it back to DWP as an assessment is due - WCA - limited capacity for work. Job centre didn't know what to do with me when I was called in a little while back - I gave them the brief about me mini breakdown and how I'm still recovering and whatnot and I await another call in at some point to sample the new and improved, compassionate, tailored to the individual scheme the DWP [via local government] have come up with. Can't wait. Ok I'm being sarky.
I think the highs have come back, not too high, but fired up high. I changed tactic, and am letting go of the pain, its ok to let it go. Its been a learning curve for sure.
I'm not over worrying about the assessment - if it comes down to it I will have to sell off some body parts or something like that to maintain my
11 June 2017
I'm doing the meditation thing every day now, not sure if its working though in regards to somethings, but may be working in regards to others. Not really sure what I am wanting to happen - some noticiable transformation within me I guess, but it slow going, patience.
Was thinking of tidying up the last few posts so they don't read so much like a crazy person having a crisis, but it is what it is, and I won't tidy it up. I'm coming out of the 'thing' from the last few months but the pain still surfaces everyday, it creeps up on me and stabs at my heart [its the gut area - its like a mini brain with millions of nerve endings that are fired up by messages from the brain and thats why it literally feels like your heart is being stabbed/broken]. So much to learn and so little time [feels like it]
23 June 2017
Sleep is still bad - getting about 3/4 hrs at most then waking up and then if I get back to sleep waking up again every 2 hrs and having whole days when I feel really tired and sleepy and if able to stay up for few hrs at most then back to bed and try and sleep. I did have a day a couple of days back though when I felt quite high and quite good which was great. Wish more days where like that.
Going out is still difficult. Because of sleeping pattern I wake really early and sometimes sit out on doorstep for a bit with Jack but I always feel shaky and uneasy. Am trying to figure out what the anxiety is about and can only think that its too built up here - so many houses with windows that someone could be having a look, so many people. I try and concentrate of the greenery and the birds tweeting and the wind etc but am still anxious. Its nice though to see the animals, dogs being taken for a walk. The sky. Back to sleep soon as very tired.
25 June 2017
Talk about synchronicity and signs, be aware, be awake, we as humans are I believe so much more then the physical, what we can see with our physical eyes, its awesome. It is within us, around us, above us, below us, its truly beautiful. Once seen never forgotten.
29 June 2017
Sleep still bad getting 3/4hrs at most before waking up and then if I can back to sleep waking up every few hrs. Got lower teeth guard from dentist to wear when I go too sleep as I grind my teeth[lots of people do I think] and am wearing them down and it may be having an affect on my neck/shoulder pain. Will see. Sometimes feel like I will crack up big time but I will carry on trying not to, carry on with the meditation, carry on as one does.
2 July 2017
Have felt quite unstable in some area's of late and the stuff with the neighbours visitors cycle has triggered anxiety about going down and seeing the cycle there[and sparking me off] - more anxiety i don't need but its there and I have to manage it without kicking off. I can't go through the rest of my life with this anxiety after anxiety taking over and stopping me from doing things I need to do. I have appointment with pyschologist next week for assessment. Maybe all whats happened in last year [particularly] is because I am now able to deal with things I haven't dealt with. Its taken so long though and I have regrets over that, wasting so much time.
6 July 2017
Its been 2 months since my little cat Bonny was put to sleep - I still miss her and see her in my mind around the place, her little face, I wonder if her brother Jack misses her does as well, its hard to tell. He doesn't go out as much now - hes been 'warned' to not die for at least another ten years longer even. Breaks your heart when a pet dies, being part of the family.
I feel a bit more stable and I have an appointment tomorrow for an assessment with a TAP person at GP practice. Not sure whats going on with my sleep pattern as have not been able to sleep for more than the occassion 4 hrs without waking up and then its usually 2 hrs sleep at most. Have found that doing the mediation seems to work for easing physical pain[tension in body] a bit, its amazing really.
7 July 2017
Went for TAP appointment this morning but it hadn't been booked - but have got new appointment for next week and letter to be sent to me confirming it. It happens - I'm not upset about it. Lady at GP practice was very apologetic.
I have though found myself getting upset/afraid of an issue I need to stop being so afraid of and is one of the issues I need to work on is that of making friends - and keeping them. I think the handful of friends I have are slipping away of late or maybe i'm letting them go, I don't know, but I have to stop being so afraid of losing people [maybe not compatible, or its just ment to be] In the past I have let friends go - I guess because I didn't really know how to hold onto them and I think i was to judgemental ie if we had an arguement, that sort of thing, and didn't keep in contact with because of this. Have lost 2/3 few friends in the past I wish I hadn't lost and regret it.
Some of the friends I'm losing now I'm not really sure I want to hold onto if I'm honest, but maybe the problem is that we don't really talk about things that we should ie there is a problem, though I have gotten better at it, I think. I don't even now if I'm agood friend as I can be still unsociable and I try to explain this but I hope I am, but who nows. I don't needs loads of friends, just a few[/2/3 even I don't need loads] genuine ones that understand and accept me and visa versa.
I just want/need to make genuine [and long term] connections with some people, but I don't know if I am doing things the right way, its still so difficult for me. Those I do know past and present I know but accident or whatever, not because I have met someone and liked them and said to them how about meeting for a coffee that sort of thing. I have to stop being so afraid, and build my confidence/self esteem and take the plunge and if I like someone male or female, to try and get to now them - its so scary for me - fear of rejection [and other things to do with it] I guess with possible friends and lovers.
I don't really socialise but have been going again to public meetings but this time to do with health, but I still find that when the meetings are over, or it there a break I don't mingle, as I don't like the being in those situations where lots of people are there and one 'has to' speak to others, much rather it happened by chance I guess, but thats my issue and i need to work on it. It seems so easy for many others but I'm sure lots also in my position. Doesn't make us horrible, boring etc, just 'damaged' I guess.
am feeling like shte tonight and I can't shake it - feeling disconnected from everyone and everything - feeling alone. hello is there anybody out there? yes I know there are i'm just not connected right now. Slipped into the darkness within myself I think. Bring me light. Depress-ed. Expand, expand, slowly slowly. Will I ever get there? Sleep is still bad, have to keep lying down and go to sleep but don't always get to sleep.
Sometimes I think I know things then I don't know them. I'm so tired of all of this. Patience.
Am I repelling or attracting?
10 July 2017
Have been waking up with headaches a lot this week and feeling really tired - it may be the weather - hopefully it is and I don't need to go see GP again. Feeling like most of my energy has drained away from me and i want it back [give it back whoever has taken it] am still meditating everday and it helps with reliefing the tension within my body - i focus [imagine the body parts in my mind] that i feel pain/tension and instruct [my brain/mind] to let go of the tensions/pain/fear and it seems to work - for a while, till the tension comes back again later on. I think though the teeth guard dentist had made for me is helping ease the pain in shoulders/neck a bit, which is positive.
11 July 2017
I was listening to a guided meditation video on you tube - its a hr long but I stopped at 20 minutes I think as I really needed to write down what I was experiencing. It wasn't the usual meditation video I listen to, it was to do with being in space amoungst the stars and has music to go with it and a nice voice saying stuff at intervals about returning home, being safe, atomic level, everything that has ever been and ever will be is there. Letting go of thoughts and worries and expectations.
I found myself putting up some resistence as I didn't feel I was ready for the experience - its a tall order and I have to take things slowly. I felt worried about losing connections with my heart and brain as how can I actually have the feeling sensation in order to really experience the universe if I can't connect to the part sof me that enables me to feel things ie brain, mind, electrical chemical connections inside my body and my heart, the organ that pumps blood around my body and which gives me life. As I see it to expand and become one with the universe I would have to somehow control the magnetic field around the atoms that forms things so I expanded by extending the axoms to the major parts.
I couldn't open my eyes to look at all the stars its just too bright. Fear, holding on to fear.
I was with him back in time and he was sitting on chair left hand palm upwards. I kneel down in front of him and In a gentle voice I say close your eyes, don't be afraid, breath deeply, etc etc, let go of the fear, then I remember my hand positioned slighty above his, and my palm touches his, feel the energy flow through you, from me to you, from you to me, I touch his wrist with my fingertips, feel me, let go.
I'm not afraid anymore. I will help you, guide you.
But I am afraid. I am petrfied. I am frozen. I am trying to thaw because he is worth it. I will change you will change, change isn't a bad thing.
This is what I feel.
12 July 2017
Am I talking a load of bolix again - who knows? I ain't bothered.
Managed somehow to see 3 actual pictures/objects in my mind when meditating, [with eyes closed] I can't remember though if I fell asleep as its usually when I am near sleep that I can sometimes see the object and its usually only one with no background or foreground. By pictures I mean a clear picture of a face [usually a face but not always sometimes a persons whole body] in my mind as oposed to something you imagine in your mind and can sort of hazily see/imagine it but its not like an actual photo. This is exciting progress I think.
Recieved letter from TAP with confirmation of my assessment appointment end of week.
14 July 2017
My moods seem to be stabilizing a bit more from before when at first I never knew how I would be feeling as it kept changing from one day to the next and throughout the day/night, to every other day, now its a bit longer and seems more back to 'normal' but I'm so tired at times and physically feel like things inside have slowed me down, have zapped my energy [more so than usual]
Have not been feeling so weird of late when I am outside, which is progress - at its worst I couldn't even make it to the high st nearby and back without the tension rising and then having to hold on until I got back inside before the tears came again.
saw pyschotherapist for assessment - go back again in 3 weeks for another then its about 6-7 month wait.
Bit despaired at such a long wait - in all 8/9 or longer on NHS. So many people in this position. Non urgent treatments are supposed to have a maximum of 18 weeks waiting time - 4 months and 2 weeks.
felt a bit high as well, some senses heightened. Wonders sometimes if when I feel connected [connected to what exactly i don't know] any other being is feeling connected to me.
Sometimes when I need to feel a postive connection [because the connection feeling comes and go's]it isn't there, I'm not picking it up and it can be a wretched feeling. Others times when a connection is made it can feel magical.
Spiritual connection. Senses awakening. Its scary as well. Bonds formed that can't be easily broken.
With love always.
17 July 2017
Feeling like shte physically all day, having to keep lying down and then waiting until I feel better to gte back up and then the feeling likes shte again. Its inside my gut/stomach/intestines area. Something doesn't feel right, I hope its not ongoing. Not felt right in this area on and off for couple of weeks. Going for soak in bath and hope it helps.
18/19 July 2017
haven't felt to bad through out the day and night. has been thunder and lightening and rain. energy. In my mind I could stand outside in it and hold my arms up and out and feel it, connect with it, making me stronger, better or just sit here near open window and feel it. Then I felt connected to myself, then i felt the cool breeze come through the open window and brush again my skin, it felt good.
was asked if I felt isolated and I said no I don't which seemed to surprise the person. I don't feel isolated but at times I do feel disconnected/alone and its not a nice feeling- like connections have been turned off. I must be patient, I must take it slow. I hear the thunder again outside, rumbling, pressure building up, energy - but does it erode?
not feeling so great - from bored, to I don't know, to physically unwell, to not wanting to be here. Thinking about what woman said as she sounded surprised that I said I didn't feel isolated. Well i don't not in the sense that I'm shipwretched on a dessertted island and theres no one else around.. Theres plenty of people/beings around heither and dither, its just I don't always feel connected when I need to, and then when I do developing deeper connections. Is that the same as feeling isolated? maybe it does. Oh well she gave me something to think about anyway. Its not comfortable though. I want to scream. feeling needy. like the need for deep connection will never be met.
I wondered whether it was a physical thing - touching, hugging, that sort of thing but I don't know, feels more spiritual a lot of the time. This is horrible. I haven't the energy to do much today, hope I feel better late on tomorrow as I wanted to go to meeting - I know me being sociable, well sort of.
22 July 2017
felt really tired yesrday after waking up after the longer period of sleeping [think its up to 4/5 hrs now without waking up, which could be worse] but had to keep going back to bed to sleep again [usually woke up after an hr].
Feel like I'm losing faith and I have come to a halt with the meditation and don't really know what I'm doing. I get impatient I guess. Will have have to find a guided mediation that I can really feel something happening when I listen to it. Its like I felt so much, been on a few journeys and now they are slipping away from me and want it back. I think what person said about feeling isolated has triggered something in me - that I will have to wait months and months to start treatment for so I will have to try and do it myself and hope I can get through this. Oh magic wand come and wave yourself over me. Weary, tired. Scream.
25 July 2017
Have felt bad last few days - the disconnection thing, the tiredness, sleeping still not great. I have to try and get to a park with not so many people around - the forrest - the coast, lakes, animals, creatures, I need to feel/see them close by, the space, the magic, need to feel at peace with meself and maybe then I will feel properly connected to some others and not this on and off and off thing. I don't even like humans generally speaking, but know there are good ones, I need a few of them, the right ones and they need me - kindred souls. Maybe we just haven't met yet, or are so blocked we can't connect properly.
Its a spirtual thing, it has to be, like a sci fi film, like ET needing to go home.
One day I will escape from the chains that hold me back and then ..........
26 July 2017
Was a good day today in regards to mood plus was a good day for connections with a few beings on my way to get supplies and coming back - 3 people and 2 dogs, lots of trees and I keep wanting to hug one but can't do it as am a bit shy doing it if people can see me - I know I shouldn't give a 4X what people think, but for some reason I do in some situtions - anyway next time I hug a tree I want to do it without feeling ackward and give it a proper hug and try and see if I can sense anything from it. I love you.
28 July 2017
I think some/many people including myself need lessons on How to Love. I don't mean loving everybody, for many [including myself] thats a very tall order [impossible even] but people/beings in your life who mean something, but its not always easy, baggage and all that, can be very scary, but i'm personally trying to get there. Learning to love myself [not in an egoist way] is a big struggle but I am trying, but its a slow thing after many many years of hate and fear.
How to Love: Legendary Zen Buddhist Teacher Thich Nhat Hanh on Mastering the Art of “Interbeing” HERE29 July 2017
I hugged 2 tree's today whilst going with my cat for a bit of a walk earlier morning as the sun was starting to rise up and down a few nearby streets, the wind was up as well and it felt good- find I really enjoy these walks with my cat and Jack seems to enjoy them bless him - he helps me and I help him[I hope] as he can be a bit nervous. seen the same cat again who was following Jack - this time the cat ran up to jack as we turned a corner and I was standing there and cat stopped in his tracks and turned the over way as busy doing something else I laughed - cheeky little rascal, and Jack in his ready for action pose. Cats can be so funny. The trees and bushes and plants in front gardens and streets are so lovely. Jack looking at me like thinking 'what the feck is she doing' when I hugged the trees hahaha. I still miss Jacks sister Bonny bless her.
30 July 2017
I haven't been feeling too bad the last 3 days, then I was having a shower, the pain struck me, almost as soon as I started showering with the at first hotish water on my shoulders, pain points, then as the water was cooler for washing. A scream, came from my mouth but it was a quiet scream [can't have the neighbours hearing my screams can I] and the deep pain still within me showed itself again. The lose.
The person said something about me believing I fell in love, and I immediately said "I did fall in love" [as opposed to believing I did but it wasn't real, as I sometimes think some others believe] and she didn't push it and I didn't elaborate on it, but did mention later on that I missed XX.
Well some may ask - if XX also fell in love - with you - why hasn't anything come of it? have you not read and taken in any of what I've previously written?
No - thing is going to take this away from. It was given to me - freely - because it was safe to do so. I was wrong about being wrong about the safe feeling - I was safe, so was XX. Better with me I guess then someone who could never understand. Better with you then someone who .......
I see more and more. If not being in person with XX is the price I have to pay, then I shall pay it. I have no choice.
Am I being rational?
Thank you for being open. No thank you.
5 August 2017
Felt flat the other day then next day a bit down and slept a lot on and off for a couple of hours at a time. Still feel a bit down today. After now having had the 2 part assessment with TAP I have been referred to see one of their psychiatrists [in a few weeks time] for a diagnosis and whatever after that. They haven't as yet put me on their waiting list for psychotherapy.
6 Aug 2017
slept for 5 hrs without waking up - thats the longest now, its progress of sorts.
7 August 2017
I am reading through a Case Review of the suicide of a 15 y/o male child named Child F. Its a hard read and has brought up lots of empathy towards this child - who was severely sexualy abused from a very very young age up until around 6 yrs. He didn't stand a chance really. Given only limited theraptic help ie art therapy.
8 Aug 2017
still feeling flat. am not feeling much though theres still some feelings there that have been evoked ie anger and empathy - generally not up or down just in the middle where even meditation doesn't do much for me. Tired though a lot of the time and on a positive have had 2 times when I slept 5/6 hrs without waking up.
10 August 2017
I felt bored today and then started thinking that I wanted to get into some work that pays but I'm at a loss at what I could do - with my history - then I was thinking I am going to sign up for one or even 2 of the courses at the Camden Recovery College HERE. I really need to keep moving forward. I have come so far is managing the mini breakdown thing and know I am stronger than I thought I was, and I want to start really working on other issues I have. I really must do the RC course though and will register when it opens on 21 Aug 2017 for registration. I have to do this and no more of letting the thoughts and feelings that keep me from doing it, get the upper hand. I can do this. Contact with my family is practically nil now - none have contacted me to ask how I am or anything and I'm not really sure if I care that much.I haven't contacted them either.I know I said I would ask for help if I needed it but come on asking how I am every now and the is too much for them I think, and maybe its the same with me as well. Its a mess. Works both ways. I don't really know them and they don't really know me. I don't really know what to do about it as it does bother me to a degree but I can't think of a happy solution.
13 August 2017
Brother called me about my b/d and bringing some cards up. Had a small chat then goodbyes. I really don't know what to do about family relationhips - they will have to be put on hold whilst I try and sort out other things to try and get 'better'.
Did the guided meditation thing recently and its so hard the trying to control thoughts thing or even trying to concerntrate on one thing ie the music/voice or ones breathing. At times I think I've managed the control thing a little better then when I first started, but its so hard and can be frustrating, but I will carry on with it as I now start to need to do it.
Am starting to have body reactions sometimes when meditating where without me thinking about it [at least I think I'm not thinking about it] I feel my body moving about [as in not being still when meditating] I have been going with it and its sort of amazing but I don't if I'm doing the right thing, but its about learning [even from mistakes] and progressing, slowly, patiently, belief, confidence. Sometimes I get this amazing feeling, very fleeting feeling when I have managed to totally clear my mind for a very short time but I can't right now describe or even remember the feeling. Its like if I could keep with the feeling by keeping with the clearing, something magical may happen.
Not so long ago I saw in my mind my face, it was a reasonably clearish picture, not a big picture but from a distance [and no background or anything else] and I remember when I first saw it I was repelled by the ugly thing before me then my face changed a few times into a beautiful face and I was more comfortable with that. Weird eh. Not that I am vain or anything, quite the opposite at times, but this to me was a positive sign.
15 August 2017
Had a bad day yestrday and really bad night but after managing to get about 5/6 hrs without waking up and then a couple of hrs after that I feel better this evening but who knows how I will be later on.
16 August 2017
birthday came and went and the whats become the usual emotional disturbances that lead up to them and other such dates and celebrations. I don't do celebrations, really I don't. Rituals, paying homage, I stopped with them when I decided years ago that I would no longer do the easter thing [being ex catholic] then when that was out of the way came no longer doing the xmas thing. How liberating not to conform to such bs anymore. My own personal revolution, no fanfares, just doing.
I think things started years before then. For so many years I didn't even know myself or others only that some things weren't as they should be and pain and confusion and feeling powerless.
I have come home - to what I am destined to become.
17 Aug 2017
dwp have stopped my benefit payment again without letting me know before hand or even why. I haven't had the re-assessment yet. Its lucky I have small savings otherwise I would be fcuked. They did this a few times last year - excuse given about me having moved when I hadn't, then they did it again but I don't know what the excuse was that time as advisor at JCP helped me out with it and she couldn't even get to speak to manager at the other end - it was done their end.
Former advisor I had wasn't too bad and helped me a bit with such things whilst some of the JCP people aren't very helpful, but I was lucky with this advisor which I did appreciate. I will go down JCP again and try and get it sorted out. Things like this can be very trying and testing of people who have problems, I wish they would understand this and show some empathy and stop the 'just following orders' marlarky. For many this is their only income - a degree of security - what litlle some now get and they still try to pull the rug right from under your feet.They can be very cruel at times. It really is sink or swim. I know lots of people don't care about such things I am not deluded about that.
Polishing up my DWP battle armour - again - which reminds me the DWP haven't replied yet to my Mandatory Reconsideration of their decision to stop the megre dla I was getting. I already had to go to the Tribunal late last year before I even got to have an assessment because according to atos I hadn't turned up for it when I had and hadn't given a good enough reason- me and another bloke were sent away because of claimed staff shortage. I informed the dwp twice of what happened and they still stopped my dla and wouldn't transfer me to PIP. serious swearing can occur when treated with such contempt on behalf of the gov. I won the Tribunal hearing but the whole thing was exhausting and right now I'm struggling with chasing them up about the PIP MR what with other things going on and most of my energy still being used on recovery from the breakdown thing and physical problems.
Am feeling tense as the night draws on and will meditate later and then try and get some sleep afterwards before day break, if I can.
25 Aug 2017
felt high then low then high again then quite high then slept a lot on and off and don't know how I feel now but its a nice day outside. Thankfully I don't go too low or high and not for long periods - could be the anti-depressants and weed stops the extremes, who knows.
ran into old 'friend' and we chatted a bit and who unusually hugged me when I was going and I think i hugged back. Not sure what to make of this encounter.
Not sure what to make of another situation I've got myself in as its a bit surreal/crazy but considering what Ive experienced these last 7 months 'crazy' could become my new norm.
29 Aug 2017
will have to chase up the tavi as word about P appointment hasn't arrived yet and I was told 2/3 weeks and its past that now.
30 Aug 2017
The crazy thing that happened recently ...... was me being offered financial .....
My neck is hurting, tension.
1 Sept 2017
I got there in the end - managed to enrol at the RC for one of their longer courses [6 sessions] - its further away then I would have liked [they don't say on course guide where venues are until you enrol - because people not enrolled turn up at the courses apparently] but I'll give it a go.
some reading before attempting snooze time HERE - i shouldnt really as i get over excited and want to soak it all up at once but i can't. Magnetism and electricity are always connected. arrggg i better stop soon and wind down with a journey amongst the stars guided meditation. I feel high [not too high though] right now and its great. Bring it on.
Can't sleep yet and getting over tired. Soon, soon.
This is a sweet story I think: The Heart and the Bottle HERE
2 Sept 2017
up and down up and down, tired. I feel the pain again, fear, the love again, acceptance. I am still connected. thinking.
managed to get some sleep though woke up at 2 and 3 hrs and didn't feel too bad when I got up but after a few hrs the tiredness is creeping up on me again. I couldn't switch my brain off, got over tired and then the ups and downs. I know its not doing me any good and i'm not sure if i know how to get the sleep back to a normal level. lots more to work on I think.
Sleep was getting longer but the recent crazy thing and how it ended has upset me I guess. It ties into the mini breakdown thing.
4 Sept 2017
am overtired again due to noise from neighbours when I was nearly getting there and the pain comes up again, and I have to try and talk myself through it, write it down, get rid of it somehow because I ain't staying silent, I can't, with it seeping deeper and deeper into my body trying to destroy me again. Deep breaths, I can do this. I am not alone but I am on my own with this and until I recognise this say it out loud and then feel and see the spirit arms spread out like wings and wrap themselves around me and let me know it will be okay. It will be okay. This is so fcuked up. There was a connection there but it was so confusing to me - like in some ways I had become trapped again but it was nice as well, comforting, I could feel it, sense it. I needed more time to work it out but I wasn't allowed that.
5 Sept 2017
After yesterdays horrible day of over tiredness and not being able to sleep I managed to get 3 of 3hrs sleep which isn't great but feels a lot better then yesterday. Am still feeling tired though - can feel it in my eyes [feeling strained] and energy level in my body.
6 Sept 2017
sleeping a lot but still waking up every 3 hrs and its annoying me now and am now feeling a bit depressed -this latest episode/drama has set me back a bit and its like all that I have learnt over the last 10 months really hasn't amounted to much.
What a day emotions changing, depressed, sorry, guilty, angry, hopeless, then fcuk it bring it on you bastrads Im still fighting for my life and I ain't ready to give up yet.I keep forgetting that just because someone may be going through hard times or been through them doesn't mean they understand the same struggle in others. Sometimes I even forget it myself.
7 Sept 2017
can't sleep again and feeling over tired and the upset has come up again and I'm tearful but I know its the over tiredness and that I will be okay once Ive had some sleep. I will be ok.
8 Sept 2017
Regulating ones emotions - easier said then done.
DWP sent me a letter about my entitlement to wrag esa and whatever, no mention of the due assessment, - mention of 2 payments they made - [but not all the payments last I checked] only because I phoned them up about them stopping them without informing me, or any reason I can think of that is in line with 'following the rules'. I will have to go to JCP again. Letters that aren't always clear about what is going on. Is it too much to ask for clarity? an email contact even? shall we flip a coin about it?
Had another one of those leaflets through main door about the NHS on-line talking therapy service in Camden. Its at https://uk.iesohealth.com/our-service/why-use-written-conversation/ and its the CBT again which I already had last year and which at the time I wasn't paying that much attention to as I wasn't having CBT because I wanted it but because I felt I had to because of the government and fear of losing my meagre dwp benefits if i didn't - yes i have complied but which I wasn't that clear on and you are pretty much left to get on with things after a short while. Thats all great and I have been getting on with things, trying to help myself best i can but I think I also need to talk about things with a professional, as in weekly sessions which is proving a lot harder to get than it used to be considering how much easier it is to get treatment for physical problems and which I am greatful for the treatment [bar the connect health episode] I have been getting.
10 Sept 2017
Still waking up every 2/3 hrs - sleeping was getting longer before I got bannished again to the naughty chair thing happened. I don't think he knew what exactly he was offering when he offered it,[everything and nothing]and we clashed big time and so the story ends.
Like i said it did upset me and still does a little [disconnected our connection] because I am still trying to recover from the hadron collider thing [he is connected to it in a way] and trying to get some professional help with what it was all about and try and fix it.
Interesting case study I think if one is into that sort of thing.
And he reckons he wasn't old enough when thatcher got into power  to vote but he remembers her snatching his milk, which would make him still at primary school in 1979. ffs and who believes this nonsense?
How did I fall into this one, oh yeah I felt drawn towards him because he reminded me [in some ways] of someone I fell in love with and then worked his way up to being more daring with what he said to me in public, in front of others- reeling me in. Wow. Smooth. Mr lover, lover laffin @veniviedivici
Like I said crazy stuff happening is becoming my norm and crazy angry people who turn on ya like mad dogs can fcuk the fuck off.
12 Sept 2017
Don't feel too bad today after yesterdays tension[neck/shoulder] filled day and night of not being able to sleep for about 23hrs and then getting 3 hrs and not feeling too bad on it. This will settle down at some point soonish [I hope].
Whilst meditating I remembered the love and it flowed within me around my heart. I can feel it now thinking about it. It reaches my eyes and they see so much, yet unsure of what is seen. If anything I am blessed to have experienced this and it that which I am holding onto and never letting go of. Thank you.
15 Sept 2017
Have my WCA assessment soon. Went to RC session 1 of course which I quite enjoyed - 5 more to go. There was more people there than I expected.
Still not sleeping longer than 3 hrs without waking up.
17 Sept 2017
Feel like I have had another emotional upheavel and it is still upsetting/unsettling me but I am working on it and won't let it keep me down.
Generally haven't felt so great since the being banished in anger thing happened. I am swinging between feeling I did something wrong and feeling sorry for laffin then thinking fook him I didn't say anything bad.
Anyway I am getting there in letting it go and its not like I am in love with him or anything like that is just that it was a connection I valued in some ways and it has been disconnected and it has brought up various feelings and questions.
I have also been feeling like I am in limbo and I don't know what follows this phase - its like I hope that the journey has a flow that can't/won't be stopped and only a giant dam will do that and seeing as the giant dam that was there has already been broken down and out
had a very testing time earlier on with a relative and I failed in some ways. No excuses. I was put in the position where my space was to be invaded for quite some hours and it really annoyed me as it is something i do have an issue with and I couldn't hide my annoyance and after a while person went off in a huff and wouldn't come back. Again for some reason I thought person could handle it but not so. Then later on i thought of my deceased mother and how she could also make you feel unwelcome if imposed upon in a way she didn't like and it could be hurtful if in a vulnerable emotional state.
19 Sept 2017
Thing with relative has been resolved. sleeping is still a mess and am trying to get it back to a more normal [for me] routine [meditation and instructing my brain] but its proving hard to do and I don't want to go to GP and ask about sleeping pills as I don't want to use them. when i am overtired it feels like i am high in someway [more talkative, hyper aroused] as well as tired but i can't feel which part of my brain the high is coming from [for example if normally high I can feel it in my mind, in my eyes]
21 Sept 2017
Didn't feel too bad un till a few hours ago then felt very needy, like all connections had been severed and its such a horrible feeling and sometimes there really is no one who will reach out their hand to you and you just have to grin and bare it until it passes. It will pass as I've been here before, many times but till then i am heavy with feelings so wretched I want to die to escape them.
The last time I felt like this I mentioned such like on twitter and someone did reach out their hand to me and I welcomed it as I felt strongly drawn to the person and it felt comforting. What a huge mistake that turned out to be for both of us. The blind leading the blind.
Anyway, I don't cry so much these days as I used to when the dam first burst open due to the falling in love thing happening. Its not even like we where dating or anything.
Falling in love can break down ones defences - and in my case every pain and heartache came rushing out like it wanted to kill me, tear me apart and leave me for dead.
Then I start feeling drawn to someone on twitter who reminded me in some ways of XX and I get sucked in again and then he makes me a stupid crazy offer that even he didn't know what it actually was and that I dared question and then I get bannished - again - in anger and I am left feeling like shte. I getting good at this aint I? [being sarky].
I do feel angry and hurt, most times though its below the surface but I can feel it there, but I don't like anger, its ugly and I try not to let it consume me, not to hit out but then not to let in go inwards and cause me further tension. I have to channel it to where it won't cause me permanent harm. Talking about it with said person would have helped but thats not going to happen so I will have to find other ways.
Another test. How many more?
I think I'm more attracted to and attract wounded souls which can be a problem [not always] and not a very healthy place to be, but how can I not be? I need a few deep connections yet I fear them greatly, like they will break me down and I will never get up and there will be no one to help me, the person looking down at me like I am nothing. I will lye there in agony and I will die knowing my existance has been a waste. The deepest intimacy was falling in love andlook what happened.
How can something so beautiful be so cruel?
I don't know if I can pass this test. Yet I know other wounded souls and I can feel them and I want to comfort them but I can't do much, I know what they feel yet its so hard. Sometimes they are robots, they don't have feelings, we are not kins. I must find my kins and they must know that I love them, and I must know they love me.
How did I come to this? writing all this love, pain bolix on here? I have no shame it left me a while ago.But I do have shame. See what i mean?
I don't feel like this every minute of every hour or even everyday but it creeps up at times when I am at my most vulnerable I guess and it tries to consume me and sometimes it does for a while but I don't know how to fight it, or maybe its about understanding it better and letting destiny take its course. A natural flow, a clensing river that flows along and sometimes meets rocks etc it has to flow over or around to continue on its way.
24 Sept 2017
Shaved my hair today, number 4 - feels liberating and arggg what have I done. It will grow back quick enough - have to find a hat to wear for a few weeks when out till then as its so short. so much easier to wash and condition. Dare i be brave and go out without a hat? maybe maybe we shall see.
decided i must wear a hat for a few weeks at least as I look like a convict and I think too many people will stare at me and I couldn't handle that.
worked on some stuff i need more work on and the tears came.
25 Sept 2017
Saw P today. I didn't agree with diagnosis and said I would challenge it, which i did a bit at the meeting and will do so further.
27 Sept 2017
Had my ESA WCA assessment today. Will have a wait a few weeks for word from the DWP on what the results are.
28 Sept 2017
I won't let the recent shock keep me down, if anything I will learn from it. I can feel the love flowing within me and though I have a long way to go and much to learn I will get there. Believe. Patience.
not a bad day in regards to how I have been feeling, quite high, lifted, confident, but am feeling a bit anxious now as I can't help thinking that something bad is going to happen again and my resilence is going to be tested again, overload, overload. Short circuiting.
So many stresses about everyday living for many people, input and output, processing things, emotions, feelings, senses. mis-information, contradictory information. What is my truth and what is your truth. Computer malfunction. The matrix. Ying and Yang.
1 Oct 2017
haven't been able to do much - sleeping a lot on and off. still only getting 3 hrs sleep at most before waking. just got up [again] and am so tired again.
3 Oct 2017
another battle, seems to be lots of them these last few years. will mediate later but feel stuck, like wft is it i'm actually supposed to get out of this - ok it helps a bit with some of the tension in neck/shoulders but it doesn't last and the tension keeps coming back.
Am tired of trying to be positive about things and trying to believe in things that may or maybe exist.
Mindfulness. Ha. Is the outside and inside supposed to merge into one? what if I don't want to merge with some of the things on the outside - what if i don't want to be connected to everything?
What if there really is nothing except what our minds think there is? which I don't believe as lots of things are real that many see and know - mass perception - mass delusion?
5 Oct 2017
I have another appointment to see P.
10 Oct 2017
mood has been a bit flat of late, not feeling much and sleeping a lot but still waking every 2/3 hours. neck hurts.
12 Oct 2017
the problem with the noise where I live is getting bad again. I hate having such close by neighbours at times [above and below me]. They both take the P at times. Am trying not to let them get me down but its hard at times particularly the noise from flat above
15 Oct 2017
Slept a lot on and off for around 19 hrs and have been having lots of dreams I remember [not all of the dream/s but seemingly salient points].Latest dream to do with being on train to go to airport to the USA [maybe to do with ex-b/f] - lots of people swimming alongside the train [for the exerise before the long flight] and I started to cheer them on then lots of people waiting at the finish for the swimmers. The rest is a bit hazy.
other previous dream - lion mosiac in a cleared patch in a garden/grass area - shoes, 2 pregant women, one to abort, the other was eastenders actress.
- no longer being welcome at the threaputic residential home I keep going to back to in my dreams [a resident didn't want me there and worker wouldn't give me key to room] - family member was outside and I was walking along with him telling him about what happened.
Was feeling a bit upset earlier about having drifted away from my sisters - the drift isn't to do with anything bad that happened, its me mainly I think, drifting away because......... thats what i do i guess.
I expect tangible things to happen when meditating so have stopped with the expectations and just do it, though haven't been meditating for long periods as I used to - maybe I don't need to anymore, I don't know. I've gotten to a point when meditating where I just stop trying so hard and let things be and let the stillness/quietness come naturally but it doesn't last for more than a second if that but in that moment it feels like something inside my mind is going to experience something significent - I still can't describe it properly for some reason other than its like a cloudlike formation in my mind.