About this blog

Ramblings, thoughts, facts and opinions about political things - starting point council tenant participation with my land-lord Camden council and council tenant reps plus other housing issues, and whatever.

Experience of Connect Health MSK NHS Provider

Thursday 23 March 2017

I will start with me being sent a letter from operations manager Rachel Brown [after only 3 meetings with the Connect Health physiotherapist]-  a 'Red Card'  telling me along the lines that I have been expelled from using their service - because of 2 'inappropriate' emails I sent: 1 to the manager and the other to the physio. No explanation other than that. Manager also sent an email to me about it.

The managers letter also suggested I would find it difficult to get alternative treatment. As per the company/nhs policy I was also tagged as being Abusive, Aggressive or Violent. 

What must I have done to create such a stir you may be wondering - i will come to that latter.

The 'Red Card' letter was also sent to my GP Practice and put on my medical file. When I asked GP why such letters are accepted without question, the GP couldn't answer. I did however manage to get my explanation of what happened, plus other related stuff put on my file along with the 'red card'.

update 24 March 2017
"In September 2016 UCLH was successful in its tender for lead provider status of an integrated musculoskeletal (MSK) service in Camden, in partnership with the Royal Free, Connect Health (the incumbent community physio provider), Haverstock Healthcare and CNWL. In addition the partnership is also in close discussion with the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital and Whittington Health as other key providers of MSK services in Camden" ref  HERE Apparently CH subcontract  with the RF.

I believe the 2 'offending' emails should be seen in the wider context and not the narrow view that has been taken by CH.

I made a complaint to CH because I felt the way the 'love thing' had been handled was harsh - an over reaction if you like. I mean expelling me like i'm a naughty school child from using an NHS service- that part is actually funny i think. Go sit in the naughty chair over there>>>>>>

I don't really know what RB's argument was for the red card other than it appears to be about protecting their staff against having to account for things when they 'go wrong'. Things can happen that are outside of our control and I am not blaming anyone for what happened, but I am concerned and hurt by how this was handled.

I fell in love with the physiotherapist and I believe the physio fell in love with me. I saw it. It happened in the office of my last and final meeting with physiotherapist. 

update 25 March 2017
  It was powerful, intimate and scary. I was quite shaken by it and I could see that physio was winded. Neither of us said anything, I couldn't, it hadn't registered yet and I think the physio couldn't either.

The aftermath of what happened to me is as follows:  My mind and brain started  processing what had happened and it overwhelmed me and I became emotionally unstable in some ways. I was up and and down up and down. I was feeling elated, lifted up, etc then I was feeling pain and I was crying a lot. Up and down up and down.

I hadn't been able to cry for years not even when my parents died within 2 years of each other and the damn had burst and pain was bad.

I had to try and manage what was happening as best I could - I didn't want to contact the crisis team again or GP. I felt the pain, felt the tears flow,  felt the elation, worked on the feelings, tried to make sense of them. I could feel my brain and heart firing up. My brain was shifting, processing things daily. Lots of confusion. It was also very spiritual as I was sensing things, having dreams whose message seemed clear to me. I was on journey and I didn't really know where I was heading.

Considering the state I was in [emotions so out of control] I decided to change therapist -- it wasn't a very good position for either of us to be in and it was getting in the way of treatment for the neck/shoulders pain.

29 March 2017
I thought I would inform physio of a bit of what was going on with me but it wasn't possible for me to do it verbally so I asked for email contact and it was given but with the condition it was only for 1 reply from physio. This didn't make sense to me and I ignored it.

Anyhow, I changed physio and there was to be no discussion about what had happened so I sent physio an email that seems to have shook things up a bit and the manager emailed me and told me not to contact physio again and when I challenged this I was threatened and I responded to this by saying 'bring it on' sort of thing.

Anyway the 'Red Card' letter comes through the post to me plus email.

And thus my journey around CHs internal system of trying to resolve this. CH have in some ways tried to salvage this and I grateful for that, but its not enough. As a NHS holistic [whatever that means]  healthcare provider, how can CH learn from [things that go right and things that go wrong] if they won't acknowledge things?

update 1 April 2017
I found a reporting from August 2015 on the National Health Executive  website HERE titled Poor complaints handling by NHS has 'serious human costs' - Ombudsman . The report is by the Parliamentary and Health Service Ombudsman [Website HERE]

Another story from 2016 titled Nearly two-thirds of NHS complaints unhappy with outcome HERE

The way an issue is [badly] handled can be a worse 'injustice' then the original issue I think.

update 6 April 2017
I feel worn down today and feel like giving up on this. I think whats the point in pursing it further when CH doesn't seem to give a 4xxxx about the truth, good practice,  etc, - why should they? conflicting interests. 

I get it - when push comes to shove staff will be protected over patients and patients will just have to get over it, move on. The balance of power/protection is unequal I think.Is this how they handle all 'situations' I wonder?

Things could have been worse. Some people fight for years and years to try and get justice over something greatly significant that went wrong in the NHS like a child dying etc. Its 'only' emotions.

Shall I take their 2 'good will' gestures  and count my lucky stars?

Do I give up despite still having concerns?

Think I've just talked meself back into battle mode, polishing up my armour.

9 April 2017
Did I mention I fell in love?  what a connection to go/be pulled  crashing into when I was supposed to be taking small steps connecting with others.   It was profound like I had never known before and no wonder it triggered such a reaction. Can I have some more drugs please? only kidding.

Trying to make sense of it, my reaction, and the physio's reaction.

11 April 2017
The House of Commons briefing paper [ 10 April 2017] on NHS Complaints Procedures in England can be found HERE

" The NHS complaints system is designed to provide explanations of what happened and, where appropriate, apologies and information about action taken to ensure similar incidents don't happen again" [my emphasis]

Not so in this case where CH choose to protect their Camden based people at any cost [it seems].

The NHS Constitution [governing legal document]which Pledges "to ensure that when mistakes happen or if you are harmed whilst receiving healthcare you receive an appropriate explanation" [my emphasis] .

Or in CH's case when things go wrong or 'misunderstandings' as CH may like to suggest they were, they use 'underhanded tactics' to further mess with your emotions/feelings.  I mean who would believe a 'mentally vulnerable' patient over NHS 'professionals' ?

In January 2015 the Health Select Committee published a report  called Complaints and Raising Concerns  HERE : "too many complaints are mishandled with people experiencing poor communication or, at worse a defensive and complicated  system which results in a complete breakdown of trust and a failure to improve patient safety" [my emphasis]

I know there are many great and decent people in the NHS, but when it comes down to it, how many will tell the truth and admit something [when things go wrong] because its the decent and right thing to do?

I can only describe it as akin to what I felt when my mother died. She was alive in bed and I went out of the hospital room and when I came back in she was gone. I looked at her and I felt a shake/slap inside my head and it spread down through my body. I didn't react other than switching off some more.

 I looked into physio's eyes and I saw that physio loved me and that was when I fell in love. I felt 'it'  come from physio through the eyes , go through my eyes and into the front of my head, like a ghost/spirit entering my head causing a quiet explosion behind my eyes. Later it spread down through my nervous system and caused havoc.

For some unknown reason I thought I was safe, and I embraced it, but I wasn't safe. How could I have gotten the safe feeling so wrong?

update 14 April 2017
You know when you don't take things in right away? like when you read a letter or alike and its only when you re-read that things about what is being said and how its said sink in?

I've found as well that one can also pick up on who has written things [no not the digital signature at end of letter].

I thought the way the issue had been handled was about 'taking back control' but I now think its about not being in control - again. We can't control everything. We can try though.

15 April 2017
Ben Watling, Head of Governance and Compliance who is a founding member of CH name is on replies to the 2 stages of CH complaints system. 

I believe that CH complaints are wholly managed at a local level - who where in such a hurry to reply to stage 1 of the complaints that they 'forgot' to follow CH own complaints procedures [bar 1].  I must have really spooked the physio with the 'offending' email I sent and had to be got rid of asap.

 I was referred to CH about quite bad at times pain in neck/shoulders [that I believe is aggravated by stress] and pain in top of arm and came away with more pain then I hope they never have to experience. Maybe its the word Pain [and its meaning] that frightens them so much? or maybe its the love thing?

How CH have also played this is to send me a reply to stage one complaint - mentioning a 'yellow card' warning they apparently issue when they claim there has been a 'misunderstanding' where they don't have evidence [other than patients word I guessing] of what happened [a 'yellow card' warning hadn't been issued] and they used an email I sent as 'evidence', not of what happened but as evidence of me being 'inappropriate'. And saying the reply was the end of the matter or whatever unless GP wanted a word - or something. Authoritative I think. Confident even.

Am I a crazy mad person some may ask? Well so far I haven't been assessed as such - battered and bruised but not crazy.

My brain is still functioning well in many areas.

 18 April 2017
I'm reading the Transforming Primary Care in London: A strategic Commissioning Framework  HERE. HERE is the Camden Council and NHS strategy [2016] to achieve by 2020.

CH said they would make a referral to the RF for me to have further treatment and that I should receive a letter from RF in the near future.

I have been waiting nearly a month now.  Will have to chase it up soon.

22 April 2017
Sent email to CH  about referral and waiting now, not necessarily for a reply but a letter with my 'promised' appointment on it.

Think I will need a proper examination of the shoulder/neck area as shown in various video's i've watched as a sneaky poke in my left shoulder that hurt a lot and then jumping away - does not maketh a proper examination.

23 April 2017
I suspect things won't get resolved in Camden [by the Camden Clinical Commissioning Group] and I haven't yet sent a summary of my experience to Camden councils Health and Well being Board HERE who are the leading partners in the commissioning/buying of health services, and I suspect it still won't be resolved, so I will be going outside the borough to either the Care Quality Commission HERE Parliamentary and Heath Service Ombudsman HERE.  I think thought i'm not clear on this that you can only go to one or the other.

There is also the Health and Social Care Council HERE who register people working in the Heath and Social care professions so that they can legally practice in the UK.

I really don't want to go to any of the above but it will probably happen.

Unfulfilled expectations.

25 April 2017
Its hard not too feel anger and want justice retribution when something/someone hurts you badly. Its a 'normal' human reaction to being harmed. We ain't all robots - yet. Best we don't program them to have the full range of human emotions I think.

I feel like I was standing on a railway track and I didn't see the high speed train coming toward me and it didn't see me, it saw me but didn't stop.
Crash, bang, wollop - triggered me big time didn't it and my system couldn't handle it. Its not a minor thing. It caused me a lot of pain, more pain then I thought was possible. I have fears it has caused long term damage, but I am trying not to let that happen. Maybe I was being cleansed in some way.

Then when I was trying to manage this I was slapped hard by Connect Health and that caused further pain and then the fear of it causing long term damage.

No understanding, no sensitivity, no empathy. They didn't or couldn't understand my pain and I doubt if they understand anyone else's.

I have to say though that a NHS health care professional once said we did care about my pain, our pain or something like that, and I didn't know how to respond so I didn't. I didn't see him again. It was a nice thing to say. I know there are lots of good people in the NHS who do care but that doesn't take away the feeling I have that our glorious NHS stole my heart, broke me down and then broke my heart. [Think it was more like :]broke me down, stole my heart, then broke my heart.

I don't want an apology, I don't want money, I want the truth.

As a private company providing public health care services on behalf of the NHS, CH are not subjected to the Freedom of Information Act 2000 - are not classed as public bodies. Though CH do come under the Data Protection Act 1998 HERE.

I was triggered last night and it brought the anger feeling to the fore and its still there. I don't like this feeling. I am trying to let go of it. I am telling myself out loud to let go of it and I will need to meditate later on. Apparently all feelings stem from 2 intrinsic emotions: Love and Fear.

29 April 2017
I will contact the CCCG next week to see when a manager is supposed to me getting back to me about my experience I gave them about CH 2/3 week ago.

Am still waiting for referral from the royal free hospital about continuing with treatment for my shoulders/neck pain [ referred to by CH ]  as well a referral to see a psychotherapist as I have stuff I need to work including what happened with CH as its affect will be with me for some time I think. I can't just snap out of this like it didn't mean anything.

I didn't know until I had a look on the NHS website HERE that the maximum waiting time in most cases is 18 weeks from start of when referral is made, though I think locally there may be agreements for shorter referral times.

Also that one has in most cases a choice of where you want to go for the treatment which hasn't happened most times I have seen a GP. GP's seem to think or give the impression that connect health is the only and lead  msk provider, GP seemed to think CH is still the lead MSK provider when the UCLH now is - I believe from 1 April 2017.

I wouldn't choose to use CH services again not after how badly the situation was handled by them. I have contacted the RF hospital to inquire if they have had a referral about me.

1 May 2017
Emailed the Camden CCG again to see if I will be getting a reply from a manager [as stated] and requested they please ask if they require me to clarify anything. I don't know what the usual waiting time is for CCG replies to feedback is but I sense they are delaying replying.  If CH thought I would be going away quietly and just disappear into thin air they thought wrong. GP spoke with RB the CH operations manager but didn't elaborate on what was said and I didn't ask. Why didn't I ask one may wonder - i don't really know why other then I find it hard to talk to GP about what happened, but I did write stuff down which is on my medical file. Writing things down is a lot easier for me to do then verbalizing them, though I have got better at doing it with some people.

Even now as I 'write' this I feel my heart pounding, the nervousness, the fear - fight or flight. Triggers. Emotions/feelings. The untouchables.

All I require from CH/NHS to remedy this is and to which I am entitled to a remedy as I have been harmed as a result of receiving treatment from  them and then harmed again in how CH dealt with it is:
 1. Physio to tell the truth about what happened and 2. CH to explain why they handled it in the manner they did. 3. CH to make sure if something like this happens again that it is managed with understanding, sensitivity and empathy and not the heavy handed manner I was subjected to.

2 May 2017
RF hospital contacted me today about the referral. A letter from them was sent out to me 4 weeks ago, which I didn't receive - letters get lost in the post sometimes, it happens. I now have an appointment with a physio for later this month which is good news but for some reason it felt like I was being wrenched away. It might be a chemical reaction.
CCCG's response will be sent out this week apparently.

3 May 2017
Camden CCG have replied - it is as expected that they have taken Connect Health's side on this. They haven't even addressed what I said happened- [head in sand - don't tell me don't tell me, im not listening fingers in ears lalalalala] which is very disappointing and doesn't in my view do anything to protect patients - but does protect CH staff which seems to be the leading factor in this. Protect 'their' people at all/any cost because that's whats really matters it seems. I know what happened and physiotherapist knows what happened.

I'm not giving up.

6 May 2017
Received appointment letter from RF hospital.

9 May 2017
I am still feeling the love and sometimes it doesn't hurt to do so. Whats that about? Some connections are hard to break[down] or don't want to be broken. 

The robots really are running things. Did someone forget to program 'compassion, empathy, love' into them?

is it warm or cold blood that runs through their veins?

Was love ever part of the NHS, I'm sure it must have been somewhere along the line. Our glorious [fractured] NHS, come back home to where you belong. Many love you deeply.

I think I'm not going to get any further in Camden with this case other than spreading awareness - on a positive note I am learning new things as I go along.

12 May 2017
Am feeling torn again.
Its only emotions.

Blimey, lots of chaos today in parts of the NHS caused by computer virus in IT System. It wasn't me gov. Promise.

Politics, its a game ain't it?

Hope no one's life is put in danger. Terror attack?

With love always.

13 May 2017
Contacted Health Watch Camden HERE to see if they could help me with my complaint to the PHSO. They have provided links to other groups but cannot provide individual advocacy help themselves. They can monitor to see if further complaints about the CH service reach them and can report to the Care Quality Commission [CQC] any concerns. They didn't say whether or not they have had  other complaints about connect health.

CH was last inspected by the CQC in  Feb 2014 HERE
Overall they had a Good rating. Their complaints handling: "People should have their complaints listened to ..."  The word "listen" doesn't mean 'take seriously and act on' though.

But the CQC said they checked that people who use this service [doesn't say how many]:

  •  Are sure that their comments and complaints are listened to and acted on effectively.
  • Know that they will not be discriminated against for making a complaint.
" We looked at the personal care or treatment records of people who use the service, carried out a visit on 28 February 2013, talked with people who use the service and talked with staff"

Our Judgement:  "There was an effective complaints system available. Comments and complaints people made were responded to appropriately."

There may well have been [and still is] an effective complaints system available. Effective to whom is another matter.

All is well in CPH complaints handling world apparently.

14 May 2017
Everything you need to know about managing or employing Health and Care Professionals Council and HCPC registrants HERE 

Introducing the revised standards of conduct, performance and ethics HERE ......"open and honest when things go wrong".

HCPC website HERE

2016 Revised Standards of Conduct: Proficiency  HERE
"understand the need to act in the best interests of service users
at all time"

Heres an interesting one:
"be able to assess a professional situation, determine the nature and severity of the problem and call upon the required knowledge and experience to deal with the problem" 

"8. Be able to communicate effectively
 8.1 be able to demonstrate effective and appropriate verbal and non-verbal skills, in communicating information and professional opinion to service users, colleagues and others"

"8.7 understand the need to assist the communication needs of service users .."
"8. 8 recognise the need to use interpersonal skills to encourage the active participation of service users"

Sta n
 11. Be able to reflect and review practice 
12. Be able to assure the quality of their practice

Research report
Preventing small problems from becoming large problems in health and care HERE

17 May 2017
I find that having to go over stuff to do with this case [upcoming complaint to phso] ie emails and letters and more recently medical records brings on my anxiety -  the dread feeling[painful feelings relating to CH expelling me and what happened afterwards] then the pounding heart and sometimes shaking of hands and legs. Pounding heart. If not actual shaking of body parts then feeling shaky inside like I will fall apart and crumble into a thousand pieces. Affects verbal ability to communicate properly.

CH where aware of anxiety 'condition' , my stress due to living environment, my being on anti-depressants and taking weed for the pain both mental and physical - I wasn't at my best.

When it came down to it protecting staff was more important than the health and well being of a patient. That 'fact' really does hurt me and I hope no other patient has to go through a similar experience.

Connect health physiotherapists are supposed to have a 'holistic' approach to helping patients manage pain - on behalf of the NHS.
I'm baffled as to what Holistic actually means.

Hands up anyone who knows? none. ok.

Can you feel my pain connect physical health centres limited [trading as connect health] ? its still there. [update 25 May 2017 - found the bio-psycho-social [holistic] model which apparently the gov is big into HERE and HERE

19 May 2017
I'm fed up with connect physical health and their 'the matter is now closed' attitude. Its so dismissive. As far as I am concerned the matter is far from being closed. Swot, swot away.

I think of connect health as fiefdoms - groups of vassals who have taken control of the local land and have vowed loyalty to the big overload/s at the top. This includes protecting the 'good' name of the big money making overloads.

It won't do for any of the locals to make a fuss about harsh treatment by a vassal or two, so they will try and discredit anyone who does so. The big chief overlord is happy about this arrangement - I suspect. Vassals and overlords mutually beneficial arrangement.

Connect apparently conduct 12 different audits a year - 'robust' reporting systems. Local teams are responsible for writing these up. Much like complaint handling I suspect.

These 'robust' local audits helps the overlords to 'truthfully' measure the quality, safety and effectiveness of their services. It even mentions openness and transparency.

 The peoples republic of Camden is surely to crumble under the onslaught of such 'compassion, understanding, empathy and honesty'.

 Connect can then carry on their 'merry way' taking control over more and more land, becoming more and more powerful - but with little real accountability. It helps to have the local NHS clinical commissioning group as an ally.

21 May 2017
You can go onto the PHSO website, register and login to start the complaint process on line, save it and go back to it. They keep the file open for 30 days.

22 May 2017
I came across the Withholding Treatment Procedure to do with the NHS - I guess it also applies to outsourced service providers. Its dated 15 January 2015. HERE 

I wonder what was the 'unacceptable risk' I posed to connect health staff that they 'had to' in the  first instance issue me with a 'red card' letter expelling me from connect health.

What exactly did I said in those emails that elicited such a response?

As the document says:

"The Red Card Status may be invoked, where the patient has failed to comply with the terms of the procedure during Yellow card status and in situations where the patients behaviour has been of an extreme or serious nature"

Extreme or serious? All will be revealed in time.

23 May 2017
Went to see new physiotherapist at the RF hospital - who did a proper examination of my neck and shoulders.

She didn't mention me being expelled from connect but I mentioned it and briefly said what happened ie the falling in love etc, etc, etc. Lots of physiotherapists around the place. Will go back to see physio in a few weeks time.

I feel sad about all that has happened with connect health and I also feel torn again.

 I feel torn because of the love thing towards physio and feeling that I shouldn't say anything, shouldn't pursue this, should drop it but I can't do that. I've tried to but I can't.

I really do hope that the connect physio gets help or has gotten help with how s/he was affected, but I doubt it will happen as physio would have to admit things first and as 'crazy' as it may sound to some [including myself] it did happen.

Physio has I  believe taken a dangerous gamble with their career - and for what?

I may have difficulties with some things but I do see things - how other people behave, tone of voice, body language etc,  even if I am slow at times in reacting/understanding.

With love.

I will survive.

28 May 2017
Apparently the below is a photo of  Ben Watling who is the Director of Governance and Compliance or another title he is known by Director of Occupational Physiotherapy Services at Connect Physical Health Centres Ltd trading as Connect Health.

His name is on the replies to stage one and stage two of their complaints handling system. How can it be fair or right that he replies to both stages? Does he write the replies or just lends his name to them? Its a mystery to me.

If you have to go to stage 2 its because stage one hasn't been remedied [by him - apparently] only to get to stage two that also isn't remedied by him. How can that be fair?

He's not on the Board of Directors though HERE

According to Companies House website HERE A Mr Benedict Watling resigned as a Connect Health company Director on 23 May 2013.

Apparently a Mr Benedict Watling is only registered as the secretary of a company incorporated in 2000 called Neepha Limited which is registered at Connect Health, Q2 The Lightbox Quorum Business Park, Benton Lane, Newcastle Upon Tyne, Tyne And Wear, England, NE12 8EU - non trading. Confirmation statement overdue.

Connect Healths address is also Connect Health, The Light Box 2nd Floor, Quorum Business Park, Newcastle upon Tyne, N212 8EU.

What does it mean?

Ben Watling is the CH Registered Manager  according to the CQC website HERE

This is an odd one "list of services and areas where we, the Care Quality Commission, authorise and regulate this service to operate.

Local  Authority North Tyneside."

I can't find any more areas. Maybe I'm not looking in the right place.

I'm confused - CH was registering with the CQC in 2016 no services have been inspected. 
yet another CH was registered with the CQC prior to that at a different address.

I have to admit that since Rachel Brown CH Camden operations manager threatened me via email [ 'Mr Watling' lied about it in complaint reply] to not contact the phsyio [I think the Love thing is banned in and on the NHS] and then [harshly I believe] expelled me from using CH services [I could feel the anger/outrage in those emails and 'red card' letter - I think 'she' forgot to add 'burn in hell bitch'] I have been constantly confused by CH and how they operate and handle things. Its like living in the twilight zone. 

Its all 'fun' and games with connect health.

31 May 2017
The chair of the board of directors at CH has written something on the ch website HERE.

 "Although it is intangible and sometimes difficult to measure and control, developing positive culture is key for organisations".

"However, culture is intangible, difficult to measure and to control. Nevertheless good leaders know what they want and manage to achieve it" [my emphasis]

Have a read of whats written.

"Part of my role, as Exec Chair, is to support local leadership in that process but also to act as “cultural quality assurance assessor”. "

What exactly does he mean?

'Cultural Quality Assurance Assessor'.

Very reassuring - to all stakeholders [positive patient experience at the core] or some old flannel?

2 June 2017
NHS England Standard Contract HERE

3 June 2017
Not so long ago I put in a Subject Access request to connect health for all the data they hold on me. I wasn't specific hence the all request - to see what they would 'offer' me.

To be fair connect sent me [very quickly] a paper copy of my medical record [5 pages] and didn't charge me. Because I'm a bit slow on the uptake at times I didn't at first think of the 'red card' warning letter and the 2 stage complaint I made to connect - about the 'red card' letter. By stage two of the complaints system I had added an additional complaint about their handling of stage one - it was a rush job poorly executed as was their 'red card' warning. Of course various things I pointed out where denied by 'Ben Watling' .

Anyway, I didn't mention everything I could have mentioned in my complaints [not that it would have made a difference] but via their complaints system I found out that connect lie about things so they would have [i believe]  lied about what I sent connect health in response to some entries in my medical file which connect didn't seem to have a problem with attaching to my file, which I thought was a bit odd.

Anyhow, I couldn't get any further personal data from connect health and was dismissed [again]. Anyone would think they like to goad people?  So I am now in the process of submitting my 'complaint' to the ICO to try and obtain further information. Plus I'm waiting for the Camden CCG to send me information I requested [under the FoI Act].

My complaint to PHSO is on hold for now whilst I gather more information. I have 8 months left

4 June 2017
 I started to have physical problems around 5 years ago - the left foot metatarsal pain  [I have a slight limp despite orthotics] which also causes pain in top right leg when I walk, the forearms pain that is mostly gone but not totally, then the lower back and left leg for which I do pilates 2/3 times week for the pain - pain not totally gone but a lot better but am restricted in what I can do, then the shoulders/neck problem - pain pan pain. Its still there and i'm still doing expercises for it.

In all I have felt like I was being attacked[the pain] from all over my body and it hasn't always been easy it deal with, and each new problem brought with it a depression of emotions [the feeling sorry for myself would arise but I didn't dwell on it] but I think I'm getting used to my new 'way of life'. It could be worse. I can still do things but am restricted in what I can do - without pain - and possible further damage.

I forgot to mention the pain in my knees that at times can be so bad my leg buckles. 

I'm not mentioning all this for pity, for anyone to feel sorry for me, but for those health professionals [who don't seem to understand] to try and understand [and apply it] how people with physical problems [on top of mental/emotional] problems can be quite vulnerable when they reach the need for your services/help - regardless of how they may appear 'tough' in other ways, or even like to admit.

Even if no mental health problems existed before the physical pain onslaught, patients can be vulnerable to developing them because of the pain, depression, and having to adapt.

7 June 2017
I've been having a read of the minutes of some of the meetings of the Governing Body of the Camden CCG. I thought i'd start closer to the financial year [2016-17] as it was within this year that the 'love thing' happened with connect health physio and what followed.

The document is very [very] long as it incorporates various reports and minutes starting 9 March 2016 HERE from which the below is taken:

Quality and Safety Report
Page 50: 

Connect MSK
The Committee noted the report and discussed the following areas:
  1. The Committee noted the performance data relating to this service.
  2. Numerical data was presented on complaints and incidents; the committee requested  additional assurance that issues, themes and trends relating to complaints and incidents are being analysed by the service and that respective mitigation and improvement plans are in place. [My emphasis] It was requested this in formation and analysis in included in future reports. 
  3. It was noted that audit scores are all reported at 100%, however this is not supported by narrative nor any evidence" [my emphasis]
I've come across something called a Quality and Safety Strategy 2016-2019.

Its starts off by saying "Since the establishment of Camden Clinical Commissioning Group, our vision and mission has clearly indentified the delivery of safe, effective and responsive services as our most important responsibility"

"Every patient’s legitimate expectation and assumption should be that services provided to them are safe, high quality and place their well-being at the heart of them [my emphasis] and this is articulated in the NHS Constitution which we as commissioners have a duty to deliver."
Its gets better and better. I dare to read on. Deep breaths.

Anyway back to searching for the connect health "evidence and narrative" to do with their audit scores.  I will have to skim through it as its a long document and I'm tired but its dynamite. Will have to have a proper read another day.  

I've had to give up at page 188 as I'm tired and need to switch off from this. I'll come back to it another day.

i'm back again before I settle down and try and go into coma land as I was thinking about what I saw when I looked into physio's eyes and fell in love with physio. It was like I saw everything - but didn't know what the everything was. It was very deep and intimate. Was like something from physio was being passed over to me, shown to me. In some ways it was like a gift had been opened up in front of me but I didn't see what it was at the time. It was brutal and it got more brutal.

I couldn't understand why it had brought so much pain with it and  why it had happened with this particular person.

The pain - excruciating pain felt like I was being tested. It felt cruel. I have though gotten through the worst of it. It was magical as well. Brutal and Magical. How's that for dramatics?

"It is essential that quality and safety is seen from the patients perspective"

What is there not to understand about the above - its very clear to me.

Yeap seen from the patients perspective - the heart of the NHS.

Our glorious NHS. Magical and brutal. Can one exist without the other? I think they can. Its humans ain't it - not evolving fast enough despite the magical things called a brain and a mind we are gifted with having.

Stand under and look up. Understand.

I laughed out loud then because I think I may have said something like that in an email that got me expelled. I didn't realise it would have the affect it had. I think it went from being 'inappropriate', to 'very inappropriate' to 'wholly inappropriate'.

Wholly as in holistic?

OMG I just looked at twitter and I think Putin has nicked some of my lines about vassals [19 May 2017 entry above] Cheek of him.

 I get views from Russia so don't try and deny it. ok.

page 73
"We understand, that quality and safety are not achieved by a reports and assurance processes alone. More important is engendering an open culture where everyone is encouraged to reflect on their practice, discuss mistakes, measure outcomes and constantly seek to improve"

So CH hows the above coming on since this report of March 2016? 

Hey Camden CCG managers do you actually read the reports you write up? Do you apply them?  How many other patients have you stuck your hands in your ears to, thrown some bs in their face and then dismissed?

I'm off on one again - I think I'm fired up. The brain. The emotions. The journey. Atoms, particles, waves of energy, matter, mass I love it. Its my new love affair. I love it and it loves me. Thank you.

I intend to expand. Slowly. A changling. I never know from one day to another how I will be feeling. I get fed up with it. Patience.

I'm not going mad. I'm working through things. I write them down, it helps. I say them out loud, I research, I gain some knowledge and understanding [i hope] and I have belief - well on the days I'm feeling lifted, anyway. Its a battle.

With love.

10 June 2017
Ben Watling Director of Governance and Compliance
Rachel Brown Camden Operations Manager
Rob Ferguson Camden Team Leader

I'm writing the following as I hope that it will be the final hurdle for me to really starting to let go of what happened so hear goes. I haven't written about what I had hoped for deep in my heart even thought I didn't let myself think it that often but I knew it was there and was causing a lot of the pain.

When I fel in love for the first time and despite me knowing it wasn't going anywhere, it couldn't go anywhere,  my heart wanted things to work out somehow, I wanted it to be the only time, because thats what falling in love is about isn't it?

 I am naive I know but it brought me back to the days of my youth when I believed in all that romantic stuff  I'd read about in Mills on Boon -yes I used to read them. I believed in love in those days but I found myself messed up emotionally and I didn't know why, I still don't know why and this got in the way of having healthy relationships and I ended up always hurt, feeling abandoned, worthless, ugly, because it had to be my fault-  didn't it? It was destined to be that way - wasn;t it?

At least I know I am capable of falling in love as I didn't I think I was, but whether I am capable of putting it into practice, is another thing. I'm hoping this is going to free me, I think it will.

Thank you for being open.

I thought I cared what other people might think and I do in some ways but its not real, I don't really care. Think what they like it makes no difference to me. I'm being real and it feels liberating. Like shaving my head which I haven't done for a few years, but came close recently and compromised. I may need to hug a tree again soon.

13 June 2017
new phsyio  done more  poking and massaging pain points in neck/shoulders - that felt better afterwards but feels a bit sore now. Meditation helps ease the physical pain but its an ongoing thing.

The PHSO Principles of Good Complaints Handling HERE
Principles of Good Administration HERE

15 June 2017
Went to dentist and had mould of bottom teeth done to make a guard because I grind my teeth [lots of people do and can cause headaches as well apparently] - dentist said the guard may help with pain in neck/shoulders.  I'll have to stick with if it I can [please not for ever though]- had one years ago and couldn't stick with it because it was  so uncomfortable. Maybe they are different now. Will see.

What to say I'm in general disrepair due to lack of proper maintainance [my fault] so I shalln't complaint *cough* much.

PHS Ombudsman Rob Brehens blogs a little about his visit to an NHS Foundation Trust HERE.

The Camden CCG have produced their Annual Report 2016-17 HERE
The Serious Incident Framework HERE
Serious harm:
  • Severe harm (patient safety incident that appears to have resulted in permanent harm to one or more persons receiving NHS-funded care);
  • Chronic pain (continuous, long-term pain of more than 12 weeks or after the time that healing would have been thought to have occurred in pain after trauma or surgery ); or
  • Psychological harm, impairment to sensory, motor or intellectual function or impairment to normal working or personal life which is not likely to be temporary (i.e. has lasted, or is likely to last for a continuous period of at least 28 days).[my emphasis]

Psychological Harm - that still continues nearly 6 months on from when the incident in office happened that caused my mini break down and for which I'm still waiting for psychologist appointment. If I am able to magically 'heal' myself before I get the appointment I'll let ya's know.

I wasn't a lone participant but who really gives a 4xxxx as long as they can put it down to 'crazy looney' person who must have been having delusions or something because it couldn't possibly be true - and we even helped her by asking GP to provide her with help. Laugh out loud.

Brilliant tactic say what? Anyway I'm off to try and get some more sleep  as my sleeping is  still messed up and am hoping for more than a few hours before waking up. As much as I'd like to think that the meditation does help a bit and by the power of my mind alone I can fix myself, I do need help with this.

24 June 2017
Very sad story in the Telegraph HERE  Headed NHS 'lost sight that bipolar GP was a human being' before she killed herself weeks after being suspended. 

They could have handled the situation a lot better, considering the GP wasn't well at the time and it was hardly crime of the century.

1 july 2017
6 months since last meeting. Seems like a dream in some ways. the pain, the tears, the joy, the warmth. The music, the journey, my brain firing up shifting daily, trying to process things, trying to make sense of things. My mind thinking thinking thinking. Overload. Systems malfunction.
 i laugh. We are but programs. but who the fcuk are the programmers? neutralise them on sight.

4 July 2017
Yesterday on Twitter the NHS [mainly the Healthwatch groups] were tweeting with  the hashtag #itstartswithyou . Apparently sharing your story can make a difference to 'heal' the NHS where things ain't working.

 I'd like to believe my story about my experience with Connect Health has made a difference to 'Heal the NHS' but I don't and I shall say why: firstly CH can't even admit things, secondly, the Camden CCG [admin] couldn't even be bothered to ask me to clarify things or anything before effectively discarding what I said. They really have no idea about how to effectively communicate with and involve patients. Conflicted interests.

Will patients who share their stories receive any actual feedback on the difference they allegedly make? So far no one wants to clarify anything, ask me do I have any idea's on how to improve things, nothing, so please excuse me for being cynical if I think the hashtag is just playing lip service and nothing will change.

9 July 2017
I had a look through the timeline of Andrew Walton [CH chair of board of directors] twitter account - its a public, open account and no I'm not stalking him or anyone else I was interested in what he had to say to get a better feel for how CH operates for my PHSO complaint -  and low and below I came across a tweet from 8 Dec 2016
"Learning about revolution in &understanding how it affects those in MSK pathways.Mental & physical are not mutually exclusive!" Understanding- Really?

CH doing some good things for charities, which is nice of them, and I guess helps to build up the image the overlords want to project - even nominated [didn't win] for a partnership working award with the NHS - in Camden of all places.

I still get images in my mind of standing in front of physio and looking into physios eyes and seeing how tense they looked, the dilated pupils, the way physio could barely speak, move, it only lasted a second or so before I had to look away, as I was also affected, overwhelmed, confused- its like it haunts me. Other stuff, it haunts me. Feels like a trauma in some ways.

I'm still hanging on in there I haven't a choice not to. Love always - but does it have to be so brutal?

17 July 2017
Had first of 2 part assessment with TAP  and was stunned to find out that on top of the 8-10 weeks waiting list [from referral to assessment] after that comes the 6-7 month waiting list for actual treatment. I'm not sure I can 'hang on in there' for so long without professional treatment. These last 5/6 months have been so hard and I'm not sure I am strong enough to wait  6-7 further months [plus 3weeks till next assessment]

Its another test ain't it?

19 July 2017
I'm not afraid now bring it on, test away.

The gift that was given keeps coming back to me I can feel it.  Thank you. Will it guide me? Will I guide it?

23 July 2017
Felt very down earlier today, thinking and feeling a lot about the intimacy problem I have. I have at times wanted to not be alive - because it still feels like I'm not living just existing and the pain is really too much, too deep at times and I feel like it will never end, it will always be like this and I don't want this.

Thinking about what it is that I think makes me feel so disconnected at times and probably in general to people, some who I know and 'should' feel more of a connection with, a deeper connection, instead of the ache inside of me, an ache for something more, better, deeper, spiritual. 

Through out all of this I have sometimes wondered why the 'falling in love' happened, in the circumstances and the person involved and all I knew was that for some reason not entirely clear to me, it happened for a reason, that it was some sort of message, that maybe I was now ready to take heed of, to be able to face the feelings it brought up, to come through them without doing myself further harm physically or emotionally. Its been a very hard and painful lesson and will I suspect continue to be until - who knows.

I saw what loving/love actually meant  - but though I wanted it, I couldn't do that part in practice. The love feeling[ powerful, deep, scary] broke my defences down and out come the past, the present and the future and the pain. I cried and cried and cried and cried some more like I had never cried before. Pain, pain and pain, feeling like I would fall apart into thousands of pieces and never be able to put myself back together again.

Failing in love doesn't mean in practice wanting to or being able to love.

The below articles make sense to me. 

The Very Important Reason Why We Choose To Love People Who Cannot Love Us Back

Love isn't something that just happens to you. You make a conscious decision when you choose to love.  HERE

I also have someone on twitter who some months back started to remind me of physio and I used to at times get badly triggered but I hang on in there trying to see and understand the wider picture. I am compelled to watch, listen, feel, sense, think. Person reached out to me but then denied it and then I reached out in general and person did it again and now things have stalled. I don't know where this is going - nowhere maybe, maybe mutual help and understanding.

Will meditate later- sometimes it feels like its helping and some amazing things happen, then i am back in the quicksand, stuck, sinking down again and this time its going to drag me under. Ah, reading up on quicksand and how to get out of it HERE. Slowly wriggling your legs around to let the water loosen the sand is the way to get out of the sand apparently.

28 July 2017 
How to Love: Legendary Zen Buddhist Teacher Thich Nhat Hanh on Mastering the Art of “Interbeing” HERE

“To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love.”

 I am learning and one day and forever, if not in person then in spirit. 

30 July 2017
The ICO HERE are taking their time replying to my email for an update on my Subject Access case, I sent another one after no reply after waiting 2 weeks,will  wait another 2 weeks and send another email - maybe third time lucky. 6 months left still plenty of time.

1 August 2017
Connect Heath make a bold claim advertising themselves as the No1 MSK [health care] provider in the UK - and so good to staff apparently. Not so great with patients at times - covering up for staff when things go wrong may be a perk of the job - good to staff so come work for us [on behalf of our glorious NHS].  The in- house MSK provision at the Royal Free hospital in Pond street, Hampstead, NW3 is going well - much better then I experienced with CH.

3 August 2017
Was thinking today about the HCPC Regulator HERE  - the option is there for me to contact them up to five years from time of the events. Health care professionals who are regulated by this body have to renew their registration every two years. Continuing professional development and your registration  HERE

9 August 2017
Something has changed. Its been 7 months now and I have been thinking whether I am still in love with XX and I'm no longer sure that I am. Maybe its because I haven't been feeling a great deal of late, which I'm not really comfortable with, but maybe its a transition stage and I just have to wait it out and see what comes after it [if anything].  I have become okay with letting some people go from my life if that is what is destined and maybe XX is one of them.  It is what it is.

11 Aug 2017
whilst meditating to Shamanic meditation music I used my hands again placed over various pain points in my neck and shoulders, and then my fingers pressing into and massaging the sides of my neck feeling the pain, the tension in certain points, as well as my shoulders, and I thought again of XX  who physically touched me only once, with 2 fingers, in a pain point in my left shoulder, before 'jumping' away, with a look on face that said - 'ah there it is', but didn't look me in the eyes as I looked at XX as if to say 'what the fcuk' as I felt the sharp pain where XX had poked me.  I remember thinking it was strange, XX was strange/different. Kindred spirits of sorts.

I think XX was afraid to further touch me, afraid to look at me. Sometimess I think XX is a healer of some sorts [thats what they do don't they - heal - well not totally without input from person being 'healed'] but anyway in my more spiritual times I did and do see XX as a healer. That I was broken down - for me to either put to use my inner resolve or die. Its one way of looking at it I suppose. Do or die, its as simple as that. Not sure why I chose to do instead of to die. It was a choice even though I felt I had no choice. Attract and then Repel. I could have done with this 20 years ago but maybe it wasn't the right time.

I'm not running away with myself thinking I can do anything now, far from it, its a slow and on going journey and much I am leaving up to destiny, because what else is there to leave it up to? Sometimes its nice, pleasant other times horrible beyond belief. With Love.

12 August 2017
The thoughts and feelings that keep coming back at me about giving up and letting this go can fook the fcuk off and stop bothering me. Sometimes it feels like 2 powerful forces battling with each other for dominance inside of me. 

I was uncertain for a short while, but the love is still there. I can't let go of it or it won't let go of me. It shall become whatever it is fated to become.

14 Aug 2017
Earlier I felt triggered whilst waiting for physio at rfh, - I don't know exactly what brought this on but I remember at one point feeling really strange[has happened a few times] like I was going to break down again, lose all control of my emotions and just scream and scream and scream- the thoughts that XX has really fcked me up came into my mind. I managed to 'get a grip' before physio came out to get me.

I felt like I was grieving again, the pain, the loss, the tears - just when I thought I may have been letting go and moving on - the flat period. Emotions eh. Changing, back and forth. Its okay though because they will change again and again and again ..... until one day I will be 'healed'  - haha. 'Theres nothing wrong, its all in my head' ain't it?

Anyway, I expect I will be okay later after I've had a bit more sleep. Next appointment will be the last one.

Not much better - feel like a caged animal who needs to roam free. very bad night lots of pain and lots of tears.

My pain is your pain, your pain is mine.

17 August 2017
as time goes by ...... the painful memories still remain in my body. I think I'm not processing things as well as I should be, but I can only do what I can do without professional/expert guidance. I will have do further research online and try to find more effective ways.  I have neglected my mind/brain  for so many years it may take some time to get a handle on how to utilise them properly. The possibilities. So excites me but I am inpatient, when I know I need to patient. Sometimes I feel the light shining through my eyes, into my mind, yet I don't quite know what I am seeing.

Laugh out loud. Thank you. With love.

21 Aug 2017
I'm off to meditate again - I don't know if I am doing it the right way as its the case of learning and adjusting/changing as I go along if need be. I'll listen again to the guided meditation about floating amongst the stars and see what happens. Sometimes something happens other times nothing.

With love always.

Crazy thing happened.

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