About this blog

Ramblings, thoughts, facts and opinions about political things - starting point council tenant participation with my land-lord Camden council and council tenant reps plus other housing issues, and whatever.

Friday, 10 March 2017


According to the NHS website HERE Well being  is:

" Feeling happy is a part of mental well being. But it’s far from the whole.
Feelings of contentment, enjoyment, confidence and engagement with the world are all a part of mental well being.
 Self-esteem and self-confidence are, too.
So is a feeling that you can do the things you want to do. And so are good relationships, which bring joy to you and those around you."

The thing is that when one been disconnected from people (all, some, most) but then reaches a point in their life existence  for connection with the right people, the earth, nature, other beings, the universe it does come with its problems  as well as its benefits.

Opening up can start with taking in the beauty around you like the trees, flowers, etc, like looking up to the sky on a clear night and seeing the stars, the moon, or in the day the sun, and feeling, seeing them as the wondrous things they are. Learning that everything is connected, or has the potential of being connected. Learning how the human brain works, atoms, particles, etc, exploring the mind, the soul, trying to function as a whole instead of fractured parts.

I'm not going mad, i'm really not, just moving to a different frequency (i think) to try and make this existence bearable. Its a slow process and some times it feels like one step forward, 3 steps back, but its happening.

Being connected means seeing/knowing/feeling others pain. Feeling others joy. Knowing its all one. Its spiritual, intangible. At times I can feel myself lifting up towards the light and i feel my heart fire up and my brain fire up but then the pain drags me back down again.

I had a glorious mighty experience. It was also a mighty painful one. Still is. It had a profound affect on me. I need good sleep. I have various battles to fight. 

I will probably change my mind later on and take this post down as I'm really tired and need to sleep and don't  know what point i'm trying make. I'm sure i started of with a point in mind but ive lost it now or maybe i have made the point and don't realise it yet.

13 March 2017
sometimes its like the pain doesn't can't really belong to me. not sure the ups are really mine either.

Thank you for being open but ...... Shall I close myself up again?

Some NHS services should come with a health warning I reckon.

14 March 2017
Am feeling the warm glow inside of me this evening - but its a struggle to keep hold of it continuously but I'm trying.

17 March 2017
Am trying a new technique: replacing the pain feeling with the warm glow feeling. It seems to have worked a bit this late eve but was hard - or maybe it was the magic dust that I came across that did it - who knows.

18 March 2017
Came down a bit (crashed) from the warm glow and sleep isn't too good. Need good sleep.

19 March 2017
Am sure that at least some of the pain I feel in my neck and shoulders and which I was receiving NHS treatment for (but wasn't able to continue with), is to do with stress, anxiety etc.

22 March 2017
Pain in my right shoulder is fierce today. What doesn't kill ya makes you stronger [in some ways] apparently.

The Battle has shifted onto a higher level.

With love.

27 March 2017
Have been finding it harder and harder to go outside even to the front gate without feeling strange inside, without anxiety over what I'm not really sure about. Its like I feel vulnerable to something I can't yet work out and I want to go back inside but inside isn't safe not entirely.

I know I haven't gone back inside myself as before and closed up but instead of feeling like I am blending into the outside [being invisible maybe] I am so very aware of being held in a body [container]  that won't loosen its grip on me not even a bit to let me expand as I need to.

30 march 2017
am a bit lifted at present and think I may at some point go find a [little] hill and go sit down on it and meditate [for a few minutes] - not forgetting to hug an old [wise?]  tree on my way down. But I might not even have to go out just imagine it in my mind.

1 April 2017
I feel as if I was given something magical but then it was snatched away from me and has caused a deep painful wound in my soul. I need to mend. I am alive existing. I will find a way.

am like a water fountain that keeps switching on and off. i feel dehydrated. im turning into a sun dried prune. ffs. and if I go out in the sun I might just combust as well. sleep. sleep. sleep. I laugh. Is this a test?

With love.

2 April 2017
Tears for Fears. Tears for Love.
I think I'm processing things better than I used to. I don't have the usual self loathing thoughts [though I know they are there lurking, rising but falling back]. The blame. The weakness. Shifting. They are no use to me anymore. I will heal. Believe. Patience.

I weep again.  Am I being cleansed, unblocked? My questioning mind. Always. It is what it is.


back again.....
I was listening to some relaxing celtic music on utube HERE - 
it helped a bit for a little while - i was imagining at first being at the seaside, not many people about, a warm slighly breezy day, i was alone, and that was okay. I looked out to the sea and looked around to take more of it in, and I lifted up off the ground and I could rise higher. Its not quite perfected though, I need to control it. I went to the cliff edge, lifted, I went to look at volanco, a vast river, forrest, mountains, lakes, wildlife in natural habit, birds, I was in the sky when snow fell, when lightening struck, when the wind was fierce, when the rain poured down. Magnetic shield around me. My friends. Thank you. I forgot to look up at the sun.

I was on the earth and I looked at the creatures who lived within it and I thanked them. I went down into the earth, deep down, through its natural resources and I came to the centre - 'metal/iron' - i kissed it. I love you. I must go up now.

I rise up through the earth and surface and its nightime and I look up and I see so many stars, overwhelming. So many. I rise up and I remember the magnetic shield around the earth and I think how can I be rising, floating up  when gravity is supposed to keep me down. Then I remembered I just can. I didn't  get up to far though as I got distracted. For a little while I felt such joy, saw such beauty I weep.

I think i'm starting to freak myself out a bit.

emotions, sometimes its like I don't really want to let them go, the pain. as if I do I will be letting go of something I am afraid to let go off.  Damned if I do damned if i don't?  My eyes are opened with a glow of brightness.

Really i'm not going mad [i keep telling myself]

I nearly forgot the moon, respect always.

3 March 2017
I can't sleep for more than a few hours without waking up. I need good sleep. I weep again. am trying not to feel hate, anger, not to feel the scream in my head destroy what is left of me.

I feel sad.

But you are human, not a supernatural all powerful god.but I am. I am. eck wasn't it the royals who had the slogan "I am" in their invector games.

Lord of the rings. Good v bad. Why am talking such bs? because im expunging this poison from my body, mind, spirit. Nuclear waste.radioactive waste.  Know thy enemy. sleep.

4 April 2017
feel deflated today and don't have enough energy to do much. Feel like my body keeps going to sleep while i'm awake. would like to start swimming again one day. Why are some things so difficult to do, seemingly easy things on the face of it, such hurdles to get over, or around depending on how you look at it.

I feel I don't have enough time left - that life has passed me by [or i let it pass me by] - what if this really is the only existence we have? but I won't care/know when I die, so why do I care whilst living? afraid of living and afraid of dying. feel disconnected again on some levels.

6 April 2017
Didn't feel too bad for a while yesterday but later deflated quite a bit. Am sleeping a lot now but sleep still interrupted. Fell asleep at one point listening to radio - subject was genes and sleep disorders or something like that.

7 April 2017
Fight or flight - both. Lots of tears and acknowledging uncomfortable thoughts that need to be processed properly - apologies to anyone caught in the crossfire between my conscious and unconscious state.  Some things seem to take a while to filter through, for me to really see understand them.

was ok for a few hours earlier today then mini brake down again [the pain, the tears] i wish I could go 1 whole day without the pain hurting so much it reduces me to tears.  even every other day would be progress. My neck and shoulders are playing me up today. I  feel weak but I know I am stronger than before. Believe.

Think I need to meditate again [can't do it everyday takes so much energy and have to be in right frame of mind] especially the trip I had the other day. I will get there. I will get there.

Does my pain repel you?  Is it your pain? the universe?

I started writing this sort of stuff and on this website because I am tired of hiding, of feeling ashamed of the difficulties I have, what I feel, what pains me,  what holds me back. The pain dominates. I have to ascend. I love you.

9 April 2017
wish i would stfu and stop writing this bs on here making a show of myself.  buck up your ideas, pull yourself together as some would say. Sometimes I can't read this stuff without feeling repelled or repulsed. Do xxxx off.

You know when some of the feelings/thoughts you have that you still find you are too ashamed  afraid to say to anyone else. Nothing bad about doing harm to anyone or anything like that just being human things. When at times you feel lonely and long to connect with the right being/s and be able to build on it. Or maybe the feeling is about a longing to properly connect with oneself and the universe in general but not feeling that you are. Patience. But there's not enough time. Patience.

When you have to keep people, even friends and family at a distance because you can't not do so. Maybe they aren't the right people to properly connect with or maybe you have a phobia of getting too close to any being.  To be free from oneself.  Rewind and start again.

From Camden with love.

12 April 2017
Saw GP today who was very supportive, which I appreciate a lot.

14 April 2017
put on the relaxation music and lay down and went for a journey inside my mind. It wasn't as intense as the last one - haven't been able to do deep [for me it is - small steps] meditation that often.

I saw things I needed to realise before I can ascend past the earths magnetic rings. I saw I had to get past my fear of heights. I also saw that the built up city I live in is like a barrier around me that stops the higher frequencies from freely flowing through. I need space. The open countryside, the sea, lakes, mountains, open unobstructed space.

I am in the ocean and I see the biggest creature on earth - the blue whale, magnificent in its sheer size, I am beside it I see into its eyes. We are one. I see the tiniest of ocean creatures, we are one. Thank you my friends. Know I love you.

I am on the top of the Post Office tower and I look out and I see more of whats around me. Don't look down, look ahead and above. Don't look down and see height, see a floor, a secure floor. The top of the tower opens up to look out side. I hesitate. Believe. I am afraid. Believe. I step out of the tower and its a floor. Its secure.

But what do i do now?

I go down and look at the creatures who live in the skies, on the wind, eagles, other birds. Creatures who live in the trees, on mountains. I see the creatures who live on the earths surface and it is the human creatures that disappoint and hurt me, who cause so much pain, why is that so? There are good humans but so much damage is done.

I go down through the earth and I get to the core. At first there is nothing just a space and after a little wait I hear it speaking to me. I am you and you are me. I am afraid, don't be. I love you and you love me. Yes. Know it. I smile. Thank you.

I swirl around like a switched on power drill [on reflection it probably was a bit slower swirl] and I rise back up through the earth and arrive on the surface.

Journey ends for now. Not sure where I am going. I feel fear. Thats ok.
Am sleeping for longer periods now. But it might change again, just have to wait and see.

15 April 2017
The feeling of fighting for my life is surfacing again, like I'm drowning in rough waters in the middle of nowhere, and keep coming up for air to take into my lungs.

I know how to swim, not brilliantly though, but I need to find something to hold onto or I will go under for sure. I will conquer up a swimming ring to put around me and hold me steady[ish] until the fog clears and I can really see where I am.

Not got me yet.

With love.

17 April 2017
Felling quite anxious today but I know what it may be about.
Without tempting fate, I have managed to go 2 whole days without the water works. I have struggled a lot with loosening the grip a bit.

Am feeling spiritual today. I see not what was snatched [so cruelly it seemed] from me but what was given - and I still have it. It was a gift. Thank you. With love.

18 April 2017
have had a piece of the tune from the Waltz of the Roses HERE playing in my head on and off since I woke up. I had to listen to it again. It is most beautiful, caressing piece. Felt like a violin bow was literally playing the tune on my heart and I could picture it in my mind.  Very deep tune. Takes my breath away ..... then I deflated.

Wonders where I go from here.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't here, that I no longer existed, that I never had existed. What was the point in my birth? Having to search for reasons for this existence when it should be known from the start - I think. 

I'm not suicidal, just questioning the reasons for my existence on this planet, an existential crisis.

Where do you go after your nervous system has broken down a bit and brought out so much pain at times thought you would fully  breakdown, but you just can't let that happen, you won't let that happen.

When not long before this you are triggered so close to breaking point it frightens the bejesus out of you and have to 'reach out man' and contact mental health crisis team who provided some support which i am grateful for, but it wasn't on going. I was discarded discharged without being informed. Do they think people don't find it hard enough at times to 'reach out', admit their problems, their difficulties that stops them from functioning properly? Seems that in patients are also having to battle with the problem of not enough help being provided by the NHS.

It could have been a lot worse I think and I am thankful for the support I appear to be currently receiving from GP and Camden councils housing officer. It may all have an illusion playing tricks with my mind though.

I thought back to the days when I couldn't speak at all about what was going on. I was mute, I really couldn't get words out, didn't know the words, didn't know what was happening other then I had to escape from this existence, that I had to pull away, retreat.

Where do you go? 

With love always.

21 April 2017
Anyway, thank goodness there are many good people still around and that love really does have healing powers. Its a mighty force.

I'm tired must get some sleep soon.

23 April 2017
Other peoples love - and pain - attracts and repels  - sometimes at the same time or there about I think.

I have been trying for a while to do the stopping/silencing my thoughts mediation thing- gaining control over them, but its very difficult to do - for me at least. I think I have progressed a teeny tiny bit though in that I have noticed that there are 2 areas in my mind/brain where the thoughts come from - what feels like the front and back and that at least the first set of thoughts that come I am able to stop/silence them for a wee tiny bit longer then before.

I did notice though and it reminded me of a story I read about a man who went to live in a remote jungle with a few people - to experience their 'world' I suppose and to find the meaning of awakening - or something like that and do the stopping of thoughts thing. Well he concluded there was nothing there. Nothing.

I thought about this again as twice I had been in nothingness state for a small amount of time - and thought - its about first experiencing the nothingness and its disappointment then knowing that you have to wait for the nothingness to communicate with you. Maybe its a very long wait for some, maybe not so long for others.

26 April 2017
I'm not sure meditation is supposed to make me cry but it does at times as I battle with trying to let go of the pain, the hurt, feels like there is so much of it inside me. Where are the happy feelings, the contentment feelings? I can only remember feeling happy on a few past occasions for a  few fleeting moments - where I actually thought "I feel happy".

I am probably my worst enemy in many ways. I never believed I had the strength, the know how to live instead of existing.

Yesterday as I was cycling down a nearby leafy street, I looked around at the trees, and I soaked them up and I felt good for a little while. I found myself telling the trees I loved them. Another time when I was cycling down a road where the autumn leaves where on the ground and a gust of wind blew the leaves up and around me as I cycled. It was magical.

Why is it so hard to hold onto the magical?

I've got the magical back - don't know how long it will last thought. I need to discipline myself a lot more as I have become very sluggish in many ways. I can do it. I can do it.

1 May 2017
Bad day yesterday - not much energy, lots of crying. feeling a great need for a meaningful connection, feeling needy which I hate. What do you not understand?

Feeling I have no control over the pain, the tears - up and down round and round. At least though the anti depressants seem to control the depression to a large degree, though it does seep through at times. They don't help with the anxiety, the obsessive [not total obsessive] thinking, the pain, the tears, the fear. This has been going on now for 4 months,and I'm feeling annoyed with myself for not being strong enough to have moved on from this. Can I have lots of strong drugs please? Can I have a different existence please?

2 May 2017
I am trying a new technique for dealing with my negative emotions: instead of wanting the pain to go away, telling it to go away, I am now trying to accept unconditionally what ever feelings arise and not push them aside. To 'listen' to them with love, without judgement, without putting a name to them, for however long them need to talk. They are me - all one energy. I know I also have to believe in my self, change and believe the narrative in my head that tells me how disgusting, horrible, etc etc etc I am - challenge it always. This is a journey in which I am learning, realising, awakening. I am impatient at times.

If this doesn't work after a period of time I will find something else.
With love.

chemical bonds or spiritual bonds? is it all down to chemicals i wonder.

Nature and nurture all the same thing - chemical reactions? maybe we can change the chemical reactions by using our minds?  wow what a thought. Has there been studies? am I stoned and does it really matter?

6 may 2017
I had to agree to have one of cats [sister/twin of remaining cat 6 y/o] put to sleep yesterday - vet couldn't save her, they tried over a number of days but couldn't find out the cause of why she was so poorly - they think she may have been poisoned when outside. Love you always sweetheart xxx.

                              Bonny [sitting up] and Jack when kittens

the pain is fierce tonight.

9 May 2017
Have been feeling a bit more lifted, high but not too high. My senses are heightened and I feel the love. It keeps coming back to me like it can't not filling my whole being and no amount of pain is going to stop it.  The connection I felt I had lost with some others changed into the connection with myself. We are taught we only have have 5 senses: smell, sight, taste, hearing, touch but we are not taught that many other senses flows from them, or along side them. Wow I really must go sit on a hill in the sun and mediate. I might  combust though.

10 May 2017
Find that my moods don't stay constant for more than 2 days. In some way its like living with lots of different beings, but they are all one.

I was making connections, I could feel them, thought they where positive, then wallop - the hadron collider thing happens and its wtf is this. Why did this happen, why has it caused so much pain. It feels like there will be no further connecting. Is this the end of the line? I hope not.

My brain, my mind, my soul, my existence, my whole being stares at me in the face, up close - looking into my eyes, daring me to stare back and really look, see, understand what is inside.

The reason I keep equating what happened, to atoms, and charged particles etc to is because it is what happened. Surely I can't be the only person in whole world that has had this experience? Hello earth, am I really a creature from outer space? I come in peace, but have 'stolen' this human body for experimental purposes but I don't know what state I will leave it in.

12 may 2017
I miss my little furry one. Sometimes I'd wonder which of the 2 would go first - now I know but wish I didn't.

Will chase psych referral up soon which the Tavistock and Portman - assessment at GP practice.

not so long ago I had a strange feeling inside  [I think it was my heart] or that area, had actually moved/shifted like it had tried to leave my body but couldn't.

I've felt lonely on and off today. Its a discomforting feeling even if it only lasts a  few seconds at a time. Thankfully its not a problem as such as I don't feel it most days but it may be tied into needing to feel connected to [some] other people and fear of intimacy. I keep forgetting not to put labels on feelings as good or bad and just accept them without judgement. But how can i really do that?

Chemicals, hormones. I need good sleep. I sometimes have re-occurring themed dreams that i remember most of, that I need to figure out what they mean but i can't. I don't have feelings and sensations in my dreams. I wish I could understand them and control them and feel I am actually alive in them. Control control control. Life but not as we know it.

But we can't control everything.

Getting tired of all this mental health awareness malarky - its like by bringing it to the fore of public awareness = things/people are going to change for the better and we are all going to be 'healed' and live fluffy lives or something. BS. But one has to pretend to try and make it through the day.

Happy, smiley people = don't ya just 'hate' them?

Anyway, positive thoughts, positive feelings, positive energy and healing.

Bring on the robots I'm getting fed up with all this emotional stuff.

back again
lots of intense feelings and tears. I was triggered - delayed reaction. will sleep soon. having trouble making sense of some things that I feel I need to make sense of. I have to make sense of. Is that rational? Sometimes I think I know. Other times I don't know. sleep.

With love from Camden.

13 May 2017
feel like I am going backwards again instead of forward - lots of intense feelings again - its like they are attacking me, stabbing at me, daring/willing me to break under their force. Testing me.

On a positive note, I do have days where I feel lifted, more confident, able etc and I have to keep remembering those days and build on them and know/believe I can overcome this and recover from it. I do have a degree of  support around me. That helps.

16 May 2016
 I came a cross a website called Emotional Processing HERE, set up by  the Clinical Research Unit, part of the NHS and Bournemouth University, Dorset.

18 May 2017
Will have to go down GP Practice next week if I don't hear back from the Tavi who i emailed about my referral.

Twitter can be really depressing at times. Various people in pain trying to get help or justice, supporters, all trying to make something happen - to 'kill the beasts', somehow. Thinking that i wish I could help them but I can't do much.  Other people doing really horrible things to others, children, babies, animals. Inflicting pain. The Scream. Think I'm still going backwards and I don't know how to stop it.Twitter makes me laugh as well which is a positive plus who can live without the cute animal pic's/video's cheering them up?

I'm fighting for my life again, fighting against the brutal pain and the feelings of wanting to cut my skin with a blade and see the blood trickle out and the stinging sensation afterwards. Its not about bringing about my death[suicide] but bringing some relief. But I won't ever do it again. I can't do it again. Losing this battle isn't an option for me. I roar.  fcuk you. Spread the word I'm coming out so you better get this party started.

Attract, come closer. Repel, don't look at me. stop looking at me.

The tears. They are mine. This is me. This is what I know.

Its what others know.
Regulate those emotions. Can't have them taking control.

20 May 2017
Received word from the Tavi - referral from GP accepted and waiting time is approx 8-10 weeks for assessment.

lots of tears today.  love from Camden.

22 May 2017
have been thinking about Belief and 'Magic' - wanting to believe in a particular thing or things but not wanting to believe if not obtainable sort of thing, because i don't want to waste my thoughts, energy, feelings for years and years on a dream and die knowing it was just a wasted dream. Faith in something that continuously tests you and is not obtainable.

I want to believe in magic I really do but I fear the disappointment it would bring. Its fear again always getting in the way. I have to let go of a lot of my fears - but they are part of me and its like i don't want to let them go. Its changing them into positives and keeping them changed. Creating illusions from dis-illusions.

26 May 2017
I've not really taken in the Manchester arena bombing that happened on 22 May 2017 resulting in around 22 dead and many injured apparently by a suicide bomber who was a Muslim fanatic. Not sure what to believe anymore when it comes to acts of terrorism and other stuff to do with government and wars so I mainly watch from the sidelines, listen to views from lots of different people and try and keep calm.

I hope the conservatives don't win again when we have the general election on 8 June 2017. I've had enough of them now.

27 May 2017
I realized that my confidence and self esteem had/s taken a bit of a bashing - not that it was that great in some area's to start with but I'm working on it - small steps.

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